The Press of Small Hours

....a train lowing

What does it mean, to low?

in a star-plucked field,

This is pretty, but it means very little, besides perhaps "separated from fate". But judging by the fact that you are using traintracks, destiny is playing it's part. Then again, (I'm rambling, I'm aware) -- Is the field to the side of destiny? Is it an escape? Is this isolation?

cold
having uncoiled, the dark ratcheted-in.

Cold is uncoiling, dark is ratcheted-in -- I love the opposing images. Because of times, I'm expecting more opposites or similiar mechanicisms to follow.

....and I'm descending,
.........gear for gear,
into the engine of silence.

I'm unsure as to whether "descend" is the right word. You descend into an engine? Usually silence is not structured, and is simple. By giving it layers, I'd like more elaboration on the gears of silence.

and static of aloneness, the dark speaking
....in tongues.

Dark seems almost alluring in this poem, and the narrator is blatantly confused.

Before morning,
my limbs will have become light-strewn, fire-blown,
flowered with nebulous gasses:
rent into colors,
....the idea of light
before it explodes with meaning.

Day is dreaded. Night is cherished. Yet you depict it as pratically celestial -- this makes me view the narrator as one who must be concealed by darkness.

.........with its doll face and old eyes,
is brittle and still as a bated breath.

I loved the majority of the poem, but giving the small press of cherished hours - or anxious ones - "old eyes"... it looses it's allure, and I'm not sure if a favor the image. In fact, I don't know why you used it.

Kudos. I liked it. Wonderful imagery.
I don't think the format aided it any, though. It doesn't hurt, but it most certainly doesn't make anything better by dressing up the words and making them dance. Let them do it on their own.

This was really nice. You did a tell thing which I usually don't like but it really turned out to help the poem. I could see the things you were telling about and the lines were brilliantly written and you also had a great range of vocabulary that I could actually understand. lol (JK) I also noticed that the way you layed out the lines.. it helped the poem to flow more beautifully, made it easier to say. I always enjoy reading your poetry.

Keep at it!
-Rieda

bonafide--


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. "lowing" means to make a sound like a cow, to moo.

I don't know; I tend to think of silence as mechanistic, inhuman, unnatural. "descend" should be read, perhaps, as "down-shifting," as one might do with a manual transmission.

Why would I say "and the night / with its doll face and old eyes"? I suppose the idea here is that evening, darkness, is beautiful ("doll face") and comforting ("old eyes")--doll face and old eyes should, in theory, be working together, but may not be.


At any rate, repetition, thanks for taking the time to read and respond!


Rieda:


Same to you!


Cheers,
Brad

Excellent, the best of yours I've read yet. I loved the format and the atmosphere, especially in the first two stanzas.

There were a couple parts I didn't think quite fit:

So it is,
I forage for a new suit of skin, a translation

I didn't think "So it is" sounded right here - it seemed too formal, too dark and depressed.

flowered with nebulous gasses:

Same here. It doesn't fit with the impression I get of the narrator up until that point. The narrator seems older, less egotistical, less self-centered and more humbled than in some of your other poems that I've read, but this seems to come from a cynical, nervously-tense, self-absorbed person. The narrator in this poem is a romantic in the way he describes the setting at the beginning. He is willing to show his weaknesses to his audience, able to put himself at their mercy, and he isn't looking for more power. I love this narrator - he makes a connection with the reader, shows empathy to them and asks for some in return. But I don't think those two lines fit with his character.

Anyway, it's a terrific poem, I loved the imagery and the appeal to all senses, and the overall effect was great. As I said, the first two stanzas are my favorites - I think they're the best examples of poetry I've read on this site so far.