Kingdom Fall (tenative title)

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My hands are sweaty. Nothing, I mean nothing, says nervous like sweaty hands. And it’s an outward sign, too – no hiding this one. Too bad I need all the confidence I can get. See, something a bit funny – and I don’t mean ha-ha funny, either – happened at school today.

oday is going to be a good day. First day back at school after a long Winter Break. New classes, new books, new notebooks, new pencils! And I have a date. With Melinda Dent, no less. I am on top of the world. And no Alex Wessen to bully me in class! There’s no way he made it to second semester Calculus.



“Hey, Mel,” Issac called, “we still on for tonight?” The girl in question winked in what she thought was a sexy manner. The boy turned a red darker than his shaggy hair.

“Yeah, we’re on, Zac.” The boy cringed at the nickname. “And no, I won’t call you anything but Zac.” She smiled, “It’s cute.” She flipped her dark hair back, turning to her friends. She looked back only once, to watch the boy who had squashed himself between a desk and a wall, trying to imitate the stances of the other boys in the class.

He caught her watching. She winked, and returned her attention to the front of the room again. .

“I know what you’re doing, Mel.”

“I don’t recall asking you, Missy.”

“It’s Kayla,” the girl spat, “and don’t think you’ll get away with it.” She raised her hand, “Ms. Davidson –“

“Stop!” Mel hissed, “What’re you trying to do? Get us expelled first day back from break?”

The girl glared at Mel, and turned her attention back to the front of the classroom.

Briiing!

The boy leapt out of his seat, almost knocking over his desk.

“Fuck it! Watch where you’re going, punk!” Alex Wessen somehow managed to pass first semester Algebra, then.

Issac mumbled something that sounded vaguely apologetic, and scrambled out the door.

“Honestly, you’d think his pants were on fire, or something, the way he ran outta here.”

“Or like his mommy called him.”

“You could be nice, you know.”

“Oh?” Mel sneered after a moment’s pause, “What would you know about it, Missy?”

“I know you’re being horrible.”

“And you’re a naïve little brat,” Jayle added, Mel’s friend.

“Touché.”

“Yet you’re the one who criticizes us?” Taylor looked at the giant stack of books Kayla had clutched to her chest. She reached out and tipped the books out of Kayla’s arms, which landed with a loud thud on the floor. Kayla glared at them, drawing her arm back to strike –

“As touching as this lovely spat may be, you four are now late to second period, and are disrupting my class.” Ms. Davidson looked up at the four girls, a frown visible on her face.

“Kayla, I hope you understand this sort of behavior is not tolerated at this school. As for you three,” her eyes drifted from Jayle’s honey-colored eyes and matching hair to Taylor, her twin in all but blood, and Mel, the sore-thumbed ring-leader. “You three know better. As such, I will see the three of you promptly at three after school today. Are we clear? It’s been one too many incidents from you this year, I’m afraid.”

She handed Kayla a pass to her next class, and pointed silently to the door.


Kayla brushed past the others, eyes darting in every direction, head down.

“Not going to talk to us, Missy?”

She walked faster, ignoring Jayle’s jibe.

The three girls stood in a half-circle watching silently as the new girl rounded a corner, and went out of sight.

“Oh, this isn’t the last of us, miss Kayla, don’t you worry.”




Gah, the formatting went wacky on me, sorry 'bout that. First prose in a long time, and for my creative writing class. Rip apart at will, please. I'm going to workshop this in a week or so, and I'd like it to be better before then, if possible.

Thanks, guys!
Last edited by Meshugenah on Thu Feb 01, 2007 4:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

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Yay! I can use a bunch of musical knowledge I have in the back of my mind for the critique and you would understand it!

Imagine, if you will, a wind ensemble that is full of tubas and piccolos doing upbeats and down beats. This is what your story resembles to me. :P

...ouch.

No, but really! It has rhythm, which is good, but because the instruments in question can only do a simple line, they're rushing completely and squashing the entire story.

The morale of the story? Slow down.

You have the barest of the bare here. That is, you have dialogue. You don't really have any description, let alone character. Though I don't mind being transported in the middle of the scene, I have no idea what the scene looks like or who the people are. And not even that... I don't have a good picture of who's in the scene.

Since Kayla is evidently important, describe her straight off. Since Mel is obviously full of herself, describe her appearance. Also, who's around them?

By giving descriptions of the setting, you'll give us more information about the dialogue and give us a better idea of both the story and the characters.

Also... does your teacher want short stories or a novel? Right now, it looks like it's going to be a novel since it has no real conclusion. :P

Anyway, yay! Write more! Or at least edit...
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Thanks, Snoinkus.

I'm going to work on that, see what I come up with. Actually, I think I'm beginning to see exactly what I can do with this -- it'll be a long-ish short story, from the looks of it, now. Now, to decide how I want to do description!
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

I <3 Rydia




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Gender Female
Points 890
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I don't like how you repeatedly say the whoever "in question". Also, add more detail to the story! I can't even understand what's going on! Who are the characters? What are they doing? Why are they mean? Etc. Mostly, make sure your reader knows what is happening. Right now (to me anyways) it sounds like a jumbled up, random story. Detail will help. :) Also, is the cussing necessary? I really don't like it. But that's jsut me. :p Writergirl
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