Incognito

*This desperately needs some polishing. The goal is to respond to the word "Incognito" in descriptive prose. I gave myself a time limit to jot down what I could come up with. Now I need some help deciding what to keep and what to cut.*

She adorns her face with color and design because that’s what she feels the world is missing. She dresses the part and plays the role. That’s all she knows how to do. The world is her stage and we are the players, unaware of the games she plays. Her favorite game is pretend.

She doesn’t mask herself to hide anymore, she simply does it out of habit. Her own identity was lost ages ago so she steals bits and pieces from things that make this reality shine and she molds them like clay, shaping a mask that seems comfortable to wear. Seems she enjoys this constant falsehood. Seems she can tattoo her own skin. And who cares if the ink spills from time to time? Who cares if these colors blend and these patterns change? She can shed this skin over the weekend and start anew. This canvas is brilliant, stretching as far as she should choose. She’s spun herself this delicate existence out of the finest silks. She’s fabricated this world to better suit her desires. She may very well be the only line on the script but that’s the way she likes it. She writes this play as she goes, substituting it for a life she has no purpose living.

What people don’t see of her is the part of her that simply isn’t there. She’s forgotten the rules of this game. She has taken on too many roles. Now her very name serves as simply another part.

I was meaning to look in on this...

For you whining so much, I enjoyed this! It was very ominous, and I liked how it felt like we were looking in on "she."

My BIGGEST complaint is the repetition of the word she. Try to find a way to variate that, or this will die. lol.

She may very well be the only line on the script but that’s the way she likes it.

I really liked this line. I actually liked a lot of the lines, the whole pull in of acting.

I didn't really like the ending though. I think you could have pulled it together better. maybe it was that fact that you said "very name"? I think you should go for a bigger "boom" or at least as much of a boom as something like this could give. Surprise us with something. Perhaps show us something from the REAL world that isn't hidden behind She's curtain of acting. What does the real world see of her?

I really do like it. I don't think I'd thrash it about to much, there is something magical about it.

I actually liked the repetition of 'she'. It gave the text its own unique style, in my opinion.

That was a very short text, but I liked it. I know, a stupis critique but what else is there two write?!

-elein

P.S. I have no idea why... -But that was just... Uhm, amazing? Geez, I have to find SOME drawback... shakes head*

I was just thinking about the word "in cognito" this morning. o_O So of course, I had to read this.

I like the first paragraph a lot. It somehow seemed to me that the rhythm of the words gave it a poetry-ish feel.

I agree with Claudette, though, that a bit more surpirse to the ending could make it even better.

Ach... Forgive me the drawn-out delay on getting to this, Rose. I hope it's not irrelevant at this point. !_!

She adorns her face with color and design because that’s what she feels the world is missing. She dresses the part and plays the role. That’s all she knows [s]how to do[/s]. The world is her stage and we are the players,

I think, with the brevity, it comes down to some similar questions you might ask if it were poetry rather than prose. You've only so much space - which is the theme that needs to come through, which is the strongest thread?

I like the first sentence for its forthrightness. Is she dressing a 'part' then, to put some drama, some point, into life? And if so - is she really going 'incongnito'? Literally, yes, I suppose - 'unknown'. (The dressing the part, the flamboyance of 'stage' to 'life' may be something to follow/emphasise. It would be the contrast, between faux-drama, importance of acted events, and the seeming fruitlessness of every-day existence.)

I would strike 'how to do' - 'tis redundant.

unaware of the games she plays. Her favorite game is pretend.

Is there a keener way of putting 'unaware...'? The short sentences are good punctuations. But they can get repetitious especially under the stress of 'game' too often?

She doesn’t mask herself to hide anymore, she simply does it out of habit. Her own identity was lost ages ago so she steals bits and pieces from things that make this reality shine and she molds them like clay, shaping a mask that seems comfortable to wear.

Deft there - lovely; and the long sentence is a good rhythmic break from the short ones of before.

You may want to toy with the final few words (italicised) - though that might just be me. ^_^' As it is, I get the feeling they might be made more pointed.

Seems she enjoys this constant falsehood. Seems she can tattoo her own skin.

The break in structure/tone here is almost too sudden. I love the blase 'seems' without the formal use of a pronoun. But in contrast to the staccato first bit, and the rest, all beginning 'correctly' it feels off-balance.

She can shed this skin over the weekend and start anew. This canvas is brilliant, stretching as far as she should choose. She’s spun herself this delicate existence out of the finest silks. She’s fabricated this world to better suit her desires. She may very well be the only line on the script but that’s the way she likes it. She writes this play as she goes, substituting it for a life she has no purpose living.

Repetition of 'she' strikes me as painfully ironic - fittingly - she, she, she - yet who is she? No one. Intentional? It fits. ^_^

What people don’t see of her is the part of her that simply isn’t there. She’s forgotten the rules of this game. She has taken on too many roles. Now her very name serves as simply another part.

Ah...finish seems out-of-place. Not only does it tell more and say what's been said, it seems to lose the thread somewhat. You jump from 'she' to 'people'.

What if you broke it up, almost reflect in structure what you're saying, and tell less?

Like so:

What people don’t see of her is the part of her that simply isn’t there. Rules forgotten. It was a constantly shifting game. Too many roles [ another way of describing this...? how does it wipe away her? ]. Even her name[s] serve[s] as merely another part.

Only some suggestions. With the 'role' theme throughout, I wonder if you could break it up with interjections, fragments - so that with (as an example) three paragraphs, you transitioned by Act I, Act II - etc. in which case the final paragraph could be set off against? I get an image of her face like the falling curtain. When the show closes, she's an empty stage, a drawn curtain.

Anyhow, with all of that said, you already have an excellent sense of descriptive prose. You seem to see it well, and so paint it for a reader. ^_^ I hope you still have time to toy with it. I'm sorry again for the interval of time between request and critique.

IMP

Wonderful piece, no criticism from me. I love how you made hiding one's true self into an art form with all the artistic medium metaphors.