Alagore chapter one

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something I've been playing with over the last... 3 years if my maths is correct. Tell me what you think ;)

One

As he inhaled the bitter-sweet air only smelt while sailing atop the beautiful blue ocean, Roger Greenfield knew he was one with the sea. He belonged on the S.S. Marie-anne as it sailed into uncharted waters in a hope to strike a wealthy land. Then his crew, led by Captain Greenfield, Roger's father, would dock, head to the nearest pub and drink the night away with big breasted floozies. But they had to reach land first, so the ship continued on it's voyage while the crew nested comfortably aboard it's fine wooden structure. Roger was the only one moving about, for the others lay in their hammocks beneath with their whisky flasks and tall tales. But for Roger the ocean was a much fancier sight than drunken crew mates. He stood at the bow, staring downward at the sea. Several playful silver dolphins were swimming alongside the boat, having the merriest time. Roger smiled as he witnessed such a friendly sight.

But within the time of a blink, the dolphins had vanished. The sky was darkening and the sea followed suit. Roger knew what was coming, he could smell it in the air. Light droplets began pouring upon the Marie-anne, and he ran below deck to warn the others. But the storm was a fierce one and she worsened with tremendous speed. Harsh winds and fearful waves had struck before he had made his way to the cabins, and he was knocked back several metres as the boat tipped forward. He rolled so fast, and with such force, he went straight over the edge.

He hit the water with an enormous splash that momentarily paralised his body. Roger was knocked unconcious and his limp body sank deeer and deeper into the ocean. He seemed to fall for an awefully long time, until the sinking stopped.

Roger awoke abruptly to find himself recieving a passionate kiss from an unknown beauty. He also felt a rush of water to his mouth. He unlocked his lips from the kiss, turned his head and vomited sea water all over the white sand of the beach. By the time the water stopped flowing from his throat, he turned his attention upward, where the kisser had been. But she had already disappeared. Roger sat up and searched around desperately for some sign of her, but all he saw was a scaly pink tail diving into the ocean.
"Unbelieveable!" He breathed, straing at the section of sea the tail had just inhabited. "A bloody mermaid!"

"Unbeliebeable!" screamed a female voice as she threw a weed into a smoking cauldren. "I told her to stay away from humans!" She reached across and grabbed a jar containing a mysterious pink ooze. She hurled it in the cauldren and waved her hands over it.
"They are my business, not hers! She has the fishies!"
Erupting from the cauldren was a purple steam which engulfed the room. The female laughed wickedly as from within the heart of the dark room suddenly glowed two sly purple eyes, accompanied by the voice, now harsher and a slight bit more sultry than before, which said:
"I will show her what I do with those who get in my way!"




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As he inhaled the bitter-sweet air only smelt while sailing atop the beautiful blue ocean, Roger Greenfield knew he was one with the sea. He belonged on the S.S. Marie-anne as it sailed into uncharted waters in a hope to strike a wealthy land. Then his crew, led by Captain Greenfield, Roger's father, would dock, head to the nearest pub and drink the night away with big breasted floozies. But they had to reach land first, so the ship continued on it's voyage while the crew nested comfortably aboard it's fine wooden structure. Roger was the only one moving about, for the others lay in their hammocks beneath with their whisky flasks and tall tales. But for Roger the ocean was a much fancier sight than drunken crew mates. He stood at the bow, staring downward at the sea. Several playful silver dolphins were swimming alongside the boat, having the merriest time. Roger smiled as he witnessed such a friendly sight.


This is messy. You are going ahead of yourself and falling into the trap of over describing everything and adding too much in a sentence.

The first sentence - it was less that to be desired for. You use "as", its a horrible, boring word that needs to be dissected out of every piece of writing.

Definition of smelt:

# small cold-water silvery fish; migrate between salt and fresh water
# small trout-like silvery marine or freshwater food fishes of cold northern waters
# extract (metals) by heating


But within the time of a blink, the dolphins had vanished. The sky was darkening and the sea followed suit. Roger knew what was coming, he could smell it in the air. Light droplets began pouring upon the Marie-anne, and he ran below deck to warn the others. But the storm was a fierce one and she worsened with tremendous speed. Harsh winds and fearful waves had struck before he had made his way to the cabins, and he was knocked back several metres as the boat tipped forward. He rolled so fast, and with such force, he went straight over the edge.


time of a blink - what on earth are you talking about. Again useless description is used, slice it all out and talk about characters only. The only think that needs saving from this paragraph is "He went straight over the edge." because thats the only interesting bit.

He hit the water with an enormous splash that momentarily paralised his body. Roger was knocked unconcious and his limp body sank deeer and deeper into the ocean. He seemed to fall for an awefully long time, until the sinking stopped.


Your spelling is awful, in this paragraph and throughout the piece. Spell check your work in Word or online.
----

Ok - the story. You have made a mess here really, its very chaotic. You arnt pacing things out so the reader is confused. THe confusion is added to when you are using bad grammar and purple bits of description.

this scene could have been 2000 words long, if you know how to write. But it seems you are a beginner. I recommend you reading some work here, posting comments like I have done - read articles here and at http://hollylisle.com and write more and more. You will become more skilled as you do these things.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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um, can i just say that it appears that people are really picky on my spelling and they think words like "colour" and "favourite" are spelt wrong. they arent. in english speaking countries other than america, that is how they are spelt. so stop trying to correct me on that cos its driving me insane!!!




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LL, I think, um...how can I say this tactfully?

He hit the water with an enormous splash that momentarily paralised his body. Roger was knocked unconcious and his limp body sank deeer and deeper into the ocean. He seemed to fall for an awefully long time, until the sinking stopped.


In that one quote alone, the following words are mis-spelled (British OR American spelling):

paralised (paralyzed)
unconcious (unconscious)
awefully (awfully)

and there was also "deeer" instead of deeper, LOL.

So I dont think it's the extra "u" that's the problem. Sorry.

Basically, what I'd like to see here is better formatting and more focus. Trim down the story so there are fewer huge blocks of text and more readable paragraphs. Tidy up your prose - focus your descriptions and keep them short and meaningful. Unfortunately I really couldnt finish reading it because of the way it's set out right now. It was very confusing and I completely lost the thread a couple of times. So yeah, it could definitely benefit from an overhaul at this stage.

Will comment more later if you tidy it up a bit :)

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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its not just in this though. everything i write people critisise the spelling even when i spell check and its cos of the u's. i know this has spelling mistakes and ive basically given it up as a hopeless case. GWRAH!! COLOUR HAS A U IDIOTS!!




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Are they giving you a hard time? They're just trying to help. Calm down (I'm not here to comment on the "u" or anything) and cut some slack on the descriptions. Sometimes descriptions make the story so much better and sometimes they drain a good story of its interesting qualities. So spell color "colour" and favorite "favourite,"
you just need to work on how you use the words. Spelling can be an issue later.
I am a child of the Night, who listens and questions all options before choosing my next turn in this endless path we call life. After all, "How can one say they understand the light if they have yet to experiance the dark?" -Starrfire Price




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No one has mentioned "colour" or "favourite"

Me and bubblewrapped took some time out of our lives to write a review of your story. It would be nice to be thanked instead of throwing a tantrum and wailing about something we didnt even try and correct.

If you had the patience or mind power you would have looked at my mini-profile. "Blighty" - Britain. You will notice that I am English, I spell things correctly. However you do not.

So read the reviews and take the time to change it. If you continue I shall contact the mods, gratitude goes along way. I could have been ten times more harsh in my review but I wasn't. Next time I see your work, Ill just ignore it.

Regards,
Adam
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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Let's keep it cool guys.
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Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
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