Survivor

We lay there
Your arms around me
Skin so soft
Body so warm
But you're no survivor

It almost feels good
Knowing I can
Pleasure you like that
But I know he can too
And he's no survivor

His apartment; isn't it nice
His bedroom more so?
I wouldn't know
I don't cheat
Cheaters don't survive

Cheating is weak
You told me so yourself
So why do this
To me
If only the strong survive?

You love me?
That can't be so
True love finds its way naturally
True love doesn't cheat
True love will always survive

If you'd slapped me in the face
It would have hurt less
But I will go on
You won't hold me back
Becuase I am a survivor

This poem didn't strike me as anything special. At most, I feel it would amount to a rap song, but without rhyme. It seems to have an element of song-like rhythm in some parts, but past that, I don't see it going anywhere. My only suggestion is to put some punctuation in here so that it seems like less like a list of random sexually *cough* suggestive phrases.

Colleen

The subject matter is fleeting. What are you writing about? It's really hard to say. the first two stanzas seem like one thing, then the rest of the poem, something else entirely.

Try to create a common ground, a unity, a flow between all of the stanzas so we can actually know what you are talking about.

And, like Cadmium said, punctuation! Here, I even have an article: Poetry & Punctuation

Hope this helped. Why not find something more solid to write about? As a test run.

When I read this, I couldn't help bu think of the Destiny's Child song, "Survivor". Using that phrase, "I'm a survivor" is a bad idea since it is overused so much. Instead of being obvious about what cheating is, try to bring out the emotion the persona is feeling ... even try expressing the physical pain ... or how he found out. Or SHOW the audience how he acts as a result. I liked where you were going with the whole "isn't his bedroom nice?" thing because it is original. Originality is key.

I wouldnt change anything about it because it shows that no matter what happens you can still pull through. Despite what might be a huge blow, the man moves on because his life isn't over.

Sometimes people fall in love with someone. And when that someone leaves, you are left all alone. Some crawl back to their parents, some stop dating, some even commit suicide. But for someone to courageously pick up the tattered pieces of their life is truly amazing. I only wish that I could do that.

What happened in your life for you to write that?

I does pull through as a poem, but It can be better. I couldn't help unless I change the whole thing. PM me if you want help though, i'll try.

I don't think this works. if you're going to create a poem that works around the topic of cheating, then the poem has to evoke some sort of emotion in the reader. it didn't evoke anything within me that made me feel for the person in question.

the regularity made the poem too mechanical to read, especially with the repetitive last lines of each verse. the words used were simple, and the structure was also basic. i didn't enjoy this as a powerful piece of poetry.

A couple of issues straight off: use the spell checker. It may not be right all the time, but at least you would know how to spell "apartment."

Next of all, don't use nouns as verbs. "Pleasure" is not a verb. To give pleasure to is also known as "please."

With that said!

The reason why this poem doesn't seem to work is because you don't explain why cheating instantly means not surviving. This doesn't really make sense to me. People cheat all the time, but they survive. It's not a life or death situation, mostly. So when you say this, "Cheaters don't survive" it doesn't make sense, not to the readers, and it makes them ask the question: "Survive what?"

To improve the poem, I would suggest giving us a reason why cheaters don't survive. Since that is the premise of your poem, you might as well bother to explain it instead of avoiding the question. And no, it doesn't have to be a very lengthy description, but it has to be there.

Hope that helps!

I did agree with Snoink. It was a bit confusing but I tried to clean it up. Hopefully it's better.

Siam,


This is prose with linebreaks, and really, really bad prose, at that.

More suitable locations for idle musings on cheating and its consequences on survival include:

(1) a journal;
(2) the trash.


Best,
Brad

I didn't like how you continued the survivor parts. I didn't really get what was really happening until the end of the poem and that was only because I read it from most of your reviews. Try to have more description, less telling. Something about a survivor should have more feeling. And is your main character in this....currently sleeping with the cheater? Would he?