draft of prologue CRITIQUES NEEDED!!

Prologue

Skye Jeffory had to sit in the Melbrooke Mental Hospital waiting room for what could easily seem like an hour but, based on the constant glances up at the clock on the adjacent wall, it had only been twenty-five minutes. And for those twenty-five minutes she had increased in anxiousness and her hands were sweating uncontrollably so she was constantly wiping them on her blue washed out jeans. When her hands weren't sliding across her thighs, they were clutching a novel. The hard back cover had the word "Hunter" printed in gold above a picture of a caucasian redhead girl sitting impassively on her bed, holding a nail file to her shin. Beneath that, also in gold print, was the name "Ski Jeffory". It wasn't a typo, it was intentional. Skye thought it would give Hunter a smile when she read the name. Skye smiled slightly as she read "ski". That was what Hunter called her, because when they were younger, Hunter thought that was how to say Skye, and had called her Ski ever since.

A door swinging shut from further down the hallway broke Skye's trail of thought. She looked up promptly to see a nurse in a traditional white nurse's apron walking toward her. The nurse seemed middle-aged, about forty, but had the kindness of a woman of eighty. She reminded Skye of Hunter's mother before she passed away. As the nurse approached Skye, she said the words Skye was longing to hear.
"You can see her now."

The nurse led Skye down the white corridor toward a room Skye always thought of as the Hello Room. When her Uncle Carl was booked into Melbrook Institution, when Skye was eight and went to visit him, she called it the Hello Room. Skye suspected, as she always had, that her Uncle Carl was still within the walls of Melbrook, but she couldn't be certain for she had lost all contact with him many years ago.
"Uh, excuse me?" Skye asked the nurse as the continued to walk toward the Hello Room. "Is Carl Lukesly still here?"
Without turning around, the nurse replied.
"Why yes, he is. Poor dears condition is worsening. Most likely because he hasn't had any visitors lately."
Skye felt guilty when the nurse told her that. She knew for a fact Carl hadn't had any visitors since Skye was twelve.
"I must remind myself to pay him a visit." She said.
"Yes." agreed the nurse. "I'm sure it will do him the world of good."
At that very moment they reached the door of the Hello Room and the nurse produced a set of keys from her side pocket. She selected a specific key and used it to unlock the door. When the door was open, the nurse led Skye into the room.

The Hello Room hadn't changed since Skye's last visit seven years ago. The walls were still painted cream white, the floors were still white lino with dark stains people made when they, Skye amused herself by thinking, rushed out. She knew she would not add tho the marks because if there was one person Skye could trust with her life, it was her best friend Hunter. And although she currently took residence in a mental institution, Skye could still trust Hunter more than anyone else in the world. The nurse ushered Skye toward a seat on one side of a white table. Skye cringed at the lack of colour in the white room, but didn't hesitate to sit down on the maroon chair, which was the only source of colour in the room other than Skye's yellow turtle-neck jumper. Yellow was Hunter's favourite colour, which is why Skye wore the jumper.
"Wait here." Said the nurse as she walked out another door and was absent for quite a while. Skye turned her attention down to the book she clutched. She turned the cover over to revealing a page which read:
This book is dedicated to my best friend
Hunter Thompson
Who still hasn't found her rainbow.

The nurse returned, with her came two men in white shirts and black pants and shoes. Skye rolled her eyes at the added white to the already over the top white room, but her eyes locked mack to the doorway just in time to see what she had been anxious to see. Following the two men, and followed by another, dressed in white to co ordinate with the rest of the decor and looking uncomfortable doing so, was Hunter. Skye's eyes lit up and when Hunter noticed Skye sitting in the Hello Room, the joy filled her eyes too. One of the white shirt men, that Skye assumed was security, offered Hunter a seat on the other maroon chair on the opposite side of the table. Hunter dropped onto the seat with a slight hint of attitude, like a student about to face yet another interrogation from the principal. That was Hunter for you. She had a little attitude at the best of times. Skye smiled with relief that her best friend was showing some life after two years of being trapped in Melbrook Nut House. The two girls just stared at each other for quite some time, each reliving childhood memories in their minds. Knowing their time together was limited, Skye snapped out of her memory trance and decided to cut to the chase.
"I got my book published." She said, holding the novel up to her chest for Hunter to see.
"Ski Jeffory?" Hunter laughed. "Cute."
"I'm glad you think so." Skye commented. "I did it for you."
Hunter smiled.
"You didn't have to." she said.
"Yes I did." Skye insisted. "I wrote the whole book for you."
"More like about me." Hunter teased.
"Well, both really." Skye laughed. She slid the book across the table until it sat in front of Hunter, enticing her to read it.
"Read it." Ordered Skye. "I want you to."
Without hesitation, Hunter opened the cover and read the message on the first page.
"... Hasn't found her rainbow." Hunter smiled. "You still remember that?"
"Of course I did." Skye said, smiling. "It's the most romantic thing you've ever said."
Laughing, Hunter turned the page and began to read chapter one.

It's good. I like how the character is kind of like you (writer). I don't know what I think of the story, but the way you had this laid out, I was a bit confused on what the main story was. Like, where you were headed. It's interesting though. I like how you're making it about the book. That's a cool idea. Writergirl

Quote:
The nurse seemed middle-aged, about forty, but had the kindness of a woman of eighty.
Just wanted to say that not all eighty year old women are kind, and that you do not have to be one to be that.

You also seem to use Skye a bit too much at tines. Use synonyms.

Okay, so that were all the mistakes I could find. Uhm, I feel kind of weird hehe (good for you!)

Basically, I liked your story. In my opinion it was interesting and had a flow. I can;t really define what I didn't like in your story; maybe those spaces between paragraphs just annoyed me? However, that is just my personall opinion and if you think that that souldn't be changed, do not change it.

Also: Use foratting, (Spaces between every paragraph and dialogue) It is just easier to read.

Keep up the good work,

-elein

i always thought eighty year old women were nice because they were trying to go to heaven... well, guess im wrong AS USUAL

ohh come on! surely i can get more critiques that that!!!!

Well: Lucy, don't beg for critiques or "bump"

The nurse led Skye down the white corridor toward a room Skye always thought of as the Hello Room. When her Uncle Carl was booked into Melbrook Institution, when Skye was eight and went to visit him, she called it the Hello Room.

You said the same thing twice here, so cut one out.

You also say "skye" a lot. try saying "she" instead.

Skye asked the nurse as the continued to walk toward the Hello Room.

they

"I'm sure it will do him the world of good."

the phrase is "a world of good" not the

white to the alreayd over the top white room

typo. You should go over your work a few times before posting.

It was cute, but I have some problems with it. It sounds more like a chapter one than a prologue, unless the book its self IS the book "hunter" (which my bit it)

Also, my other problem is, why is hunter in the mental institution? You are only fourteen, so I don't know how much you know about this kind of stuff. You don't get put in mental institutions for just anything. You might want to do some research into this stuff. Because I know young people sometimes think you can go to mental hospitals for just about anything; not true. A lot of times therapy and drugs will curb several mental disorders. Then there are some that won't fix.

The ending was cute.

Oh, one more thing: you have explanitory instead of 'explanatory' in you subjet description.

-elein

oh ok lol

Mmmm... fresh meat.

Skye Jeffory had to sit in the Melbrooke Mental Hospital waiting room for what could easily seem like an hour but, based on the constant glances up at the clock on the adjacent wall, it had only been twenty-five minutes.

Haha. No. It's not quite a run on sentence, but it's remarkably close. Chop it up. You want a catchy opening, not one that looks like you don't know how to use periods.

And for those twenty-five minutes she had increased in anxiousness and her hands were sweating uncontrollably so she was constantly wiping them on her blue washed out jeans.

I KNOW she's nervous, but keep the sentences shorter!

Instead of saying, "she had increased in anxiousness" you can say, "her anxiety increased." Plus, you can break up the sentence so that it says, "She wiped her sweaty hands on her washed-out jeans and fidgeted." Or something.

And I read everything else too. A couple of more comments:

• You don't have to make every sentence short, but you do have to keep it concise. What is the purpose of this sentence? If you make it a habit of asking yourself that, it'll be easier.
  
• Use spellcheck and edit your work! I found tons of typos in this piece. As someone who edits and critiques a lot, I can tell you that I avoid pieces that are heavily laced with typos. This will help you get more critiques and stuff. ANOTHER thing that will help you get more critiques is spacing out every paragraph. So you'll notice how each of my paragraphs are all nice and prettily spaced, no? Do this and it'll be easier to read online.
  
• It doesn't make sense to me that she wouldn't visit Carl sooner. If she wanted to see him, then she probably would find a way to see him. I would prefer that she's avoiding him for some reason.
  
• This may just be me being picky, but I've done some research on mental hospitals, and unless you got a lot of money, you don't get to stay there very long. Many people just have therapy instead of staying there. So yeah. Something to think about.
  
  
• When describing other people, don't rely on clichéd expressions or stereotypes. It detracts from the writing. Describe the nurse with a kind face, but don't use any stereotypes. This goes for all descriptions.
  
• Know about Dialogue Grammar.

Laughing, Hunter turned the page and began to read chapter one.

If you go into Skye's novel for the next chapter, as you're hinting here, then be careful. I would rather you make this prologue into a first chapter, if you plan to jump back to Hunter and Skye a lot.

Oh well. I guess I'll have to see what happens next?

Anyway, hope that helps!