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Eyes of Elves

EstelPax · 2006-12-30T21:03:22Z

Glancing apprehensively at her sister, Jania Warriorstar sighs and begins to trudge back to Forest Glenn. Where have you guys been calls a male voice. “Gathering fire wood,Raoul.” Jania, replies to a tall broad shouldered elf with golden blond hair and bronze colored eyes. Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other, interrupts an elf with black hair, tall but narrower shouldered and eyes the color of a fading sunset. As soon as you stop making eyes at Iella, Corran. To Raoul's and Jania's immense pleasure, Corran and Iella both turn a bright red. "Aly ,Corran calls to a tall petite looking girl with chocolate brown hair and green eyes set in a face with sad lines. "What did you do, Corran?” “Nothing,Aly.” “Then why you are so eager to help, she replies smiling. Because then he can get out of saying anything that will embarrass him.” “ As if,Jania.” Aly rolls her eyes knowingly "Raoul, can you put away the wood?"“ No problem, Aly.” “ Iella, can you help me with the protection spells?’ Sure, Corran. "Jania, can you help me with supper? Sure,Aly.” An hour passes and everybody gathers in the living room. "Dinner's ready.” "Thanks,Aly.” Raoul and Jania sit across from each other begin to talk of Celandine's war while Corran and Iella sit at the heads Aly sits next to Jania. "Jania will you come on a walk with me?” Yes,Raoul she answers s quietly.Aly sighs thinking of her own love ,Keiran Spellsword. "Iella , would you like to spar?” Sure,’ Ran. "Raoul,why must we suffer like this?” "Lady Cimorine."“ I don't want your past I just want you!” If she finds you, I rather die... Sh, sh hush my lovely ,Jania. "Raoul, who is lady Cimorene?” "I don't know, but she has agents searching for me." “Corran, ready to spar?” "Sure, Ie.” Glancing at Iella nervously and taking her hands in his.” Iella Warriorstarspell, jewl of Amara, will you marry me?" "What?” "Yes!” Taking Iella into his arm and kissing her, Corran wonder if his brother's proposal is going as good as his. It was. "Jania, will you and I be together always?” Her eyes widening in disbelief Jania simply nods her reply. Taking Jania in his arms and smiling his thanks Raoul begins to walk back to Forest Glen.

Pyxis

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 48

Sun Apr 01, 2007 4:57 pm

Pyxis says... · Sun Apr 01, 2007 4:57 pm

It's okay.

The grammar is bad. SPACE please! It gave me a headache to read beacause of that.

Also, it has a lot a punctuation issues. If you read it over and edit it, it would be much better.

The main idea is good, though.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.

~William Shakespeare

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EstelPax

Gender

Points 590

Reviews 67

Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:09 am

EstelPax says... · Mon Apr 02, 2007 2:09 am

Thank You ,I haven't had anyone crutique it in a long time.
Alanna

Hope for Peace

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Twit

Supporter

Gender

Points 1979

Reviews 1176

Mon Apr 02, 2007 9:45 am

Twit says... · Mon Apr 02, 2007 9:45 am

PLEASE DO THE GRAMMER AND SPACING THAT EVERYONE HAS COMMENTED ON!!!!!

Please?

I mean, I didn't even read all of it, because it was so squashed together, and the little bit that I DID read had typos and grammer mistakes in. What it didn't have was spacing!
Edit this, and then I'll give a nice long crit. :wink:

-Shadow

"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir

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stupidiot92

Gender

Points 1040

Reviews 83

Sat Apr 14, 2007 1:37 am

stupidiot92 says... · Sat Apr 14, 2007 1:37 am

This is a little confusing to read. If you put a whole line in between paragraphs it would be a lor more pleasing to the eye. Also the stuff i caught has already been said. There were a few typos here and there otherwise it was good.

It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die

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shady and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws
— Atticus

Eyes of Elves

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