Eyes of Elves

Glancing apprehensively at her sister, Jania Warriorstar sighs and begins to trudge back to Forest Glenn.
Where have you guys been calls a male voice. “Gathering fire wood,Raoul.” Jania, replies to a tall broad shouldered elf with golden blond hair and bronze colored eyes. Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other, interrupts an elf with black hair, tall but narrower shouldered and eyes the color of a fading sunset. As soon as you stop making eyes at Iella, Corran. To Raoul's and Jania's immense pleasure, Corran and Iella both turn a bright red. "Aly ,Corran calls to a tall petite looking girl with chocolate brown hair and green eyes set in a face with sad lines. "What did you do, Corran?” “Nothing,Aly.” “Then why you are so eager to help, she replies smiling. Because then he can get out of saying anything that will embarrass him.” “ As if,Jania.” Aly rolls her eyes knowingly
"Raoul, can you put away the wood?"“ No problem, Aly.” “ Iella, can you help me with the protection spells?’ Sure, Corran. "Jania, can you help me with supper? Sure,Aly.” An hour passes and everybody gathers in the living room. "Dinner's ready.” "Thanks,Aly.” Raoul and Jania sit across from each other begin to talk of Celandine's war while Corran and Iella sit at the heads Aly sits next to Jania.
"Jania will you come on a walk with me?” Yes,Raoul she answers s quietly.Aly sighs thinking of her own love ,Keiran Spellsword. "Iella , would you like to spar?” Sure,’ Ran.
"Raoul,why must we suffer like this?” "Lady Cimorine."“ I don't want your past I just want you!” If she finds you, I rather die... Sh, sh hush my lovely ,Jania.
"Raoul, who is lady Cimorene?” "I don't know, but she has agents searching for me."
“Corran, ready to spar?” "Sure, Ie.” Glancing at Iella nervously and taking her hands in his.” Iella Warriorstarspell, jewl of Amara, will you marry me?"
"What?” "Yes!” Taking Iella into his arm and kissing her, Corran wonder if his brother's proposal is going as good as his. It was.
"Jania, will you and I be together always?” Her eyes widening in disbelief Jania simply nods her reply. Taking Jania in his arms and smiling his thanks Raoul begins to walk back to Forest Glen.

Sounds like my kind of book!

One point-



-Where have you guys calls a male voice."Gathering fire wood,Raoul."-

-Where have you guys- makes no sense and isnt in speech marks- ws it a typo

-Do you meen "where have you guys gone?


Other than that good book

You're missing quite a few commas and quotation marks. Try adding some descriptions of things other than their hair and eye colors.

Goodness gracious! Girl, where is your grammar?

*raises a critical eyebrow*

Here we go...*deep breath*

Read this SLOWLY out loud to yourself and MAKE SURE to pay close attention to SPACING! Try and catch your mistakes. Just remember to SPACE! SPACE SPACE SPACE!

*sighs and falls back onto couch*

Oy, Alanna, if you intend to post serious pieces and get serious feedback, at least do your readers the common courtesy of proofreading your work before you post it, yeah? A few spelling and punctuation mistakes are to be expected, of course - it happens. But this is... riddled with such mistakes. You aren't even paying attention to your spacing - something that misspriss mentioned and you probably want to revise.

The story was, for its part, a good beginning. But the poor grammar detracts from it heavily.

Please forgive the brevity of the comment, but I seem to lack much else to add. o0



(Critted for the CCF)

Sounds good. You can't go wrong with elves. You need to fix some typos, I think, because I couldn't make out some of it. You should keep with it; it sounds good. Could be a little more description, I'd kinda like to see drawings of these beings.

Um, what misspriss said. The missing spaces is the first thing that jumps out at me here. I can tell you know where they should be, as you don't always miss them out.

So I'm going to give you some advance, and it's the best advance you'll ever get for spelling and grammar: proof read you work before submitting it.

And now onto the real crit:


‘Tall for her species with sapphire blue hair and gray eyes Jania is every inch a warrior as is her sister Iella Warriorstarspell.’

- We don’t need to know this. At least, not yet.

- I always find it odd that people describe the eye colour of their characters, simply because it’s such a minor aspect of them. I think it may be because that’s how we’re talk to writing descriptions of characters in school - include their hair colour, eye colour and height (I know I certainly used to just describe those three things when describing a character).

- Don’t group everything about a person’s description together like this. The reader will quite likely forget much of it if you do so.


‘Where have you guys calls a male voice."Gathering fire wood,Raoul."‘

- Missing speech marks.

- Missing a word after ‘guys’ - I suspect it’s ‘gone’.

- When a new person is speaking it goes in a new line.


‘With Golden blond hair and navy blue eyes Raoul is quite a sight.’

- As above. Description is not needed. Right now, your character’s personalities and actions are more important than how they look.

- ‘Golden’ = ‘golden’ (no capital letter)


‘Are guys going to stop making eyes at each other interrupts Corran.’

- Missing speech marks again.


‘Tall with jet black hair and indigo eyes one could never tell that he's a powerful sorcerer.’

- And the description thing again.

- Remember, eye colour is not an important part of how a person looks. Most people have far more distinguishing features (here’s a task for you: how would you recognise your friends in a large crowd? Certainly not by their eye colour. What features of theirs would help you recognise them?).


‘Jania, help me with supper? Sure,Aly.’

- Missing speech marks.

- New people speaking on a new line.


‘A elf with chocolate brown hair and grass green eyes nods and leads the way.’

- Guess what ?


Hope this helps you . Try revising this and posting the updated version .

Keep on writing ^_^.

I suggest you read out this aloud in order to correct mistakes.

And also - why a paragraph? It is impossible to get any sort of essence of character or world if we are only looking at a single paragraph.

Thanks!!!!

It is a bit hard to give a comment on such a short piece of writing I liked the idea, but I think that you wrote this piece in a bit of a rush... Also, please use formating before posting

Quote:
A nervous tremor runs through the air,a young elf feels it.
I think that you should change that sentence somehow. Also, a space after the comma would be welcome.

Quote:
Tall for her species with sapphire blue hair and gray eyes Jania is every inch a warrior as is her sister Iella Warriorstarspell.
This one =/=

Quote:
Where have you guys calls a male voice
I do not understand this part. -Use the " sign, and please fomat your texts. It is then easier to read xD

quote:
With Golden blond hair and navy blue eyes Raoul is quite a sight.
Golden with small letters.

quote:
Again, I do not understand the sentence. Did you
miss 'you' there?

quote:
Tall with jet black hair and indigo eyes one could never tell that he's a powerful sorcerer.
Please reread this sentence...

quote:
" Raoul, you can put away the wood. No problem,Aly." Iella,can you hep me with the protection spells? Sure,Corran.
Jania, help me with supper? Sure,Aly.
A elf with chocolate brown hair and grass green eyes nods and leads the way.
At this point I am TOTALLY lost. Really. I do not kow who says what, who is who.

For such a short bit of writing I found a LOT of mistakes... Did you even reread this?

One more comment: With such a short piece of writing, it's hard to write a critique... Maybe you should post more of the story?

Just edited it!!!!!!!
-Lanna

You just edited it, you say?? Maybe it didn't submit properly, 'cause it's exactly the same. If you're going to put stuff up for crits, please make sure that we can read it. As it is, I can't tell where one person stops speaking and another starts. Spaces, spaces, spaces, you have none of them between sentences. It's all one big jumble as it is. There should be a new line for every different person speaking, as well.

Also, how are we supposed to crit something so short? It's nigh on impossible! Please help your follow readers, and proof-read your work!

Other than that, this *could* have potential. I say *could* because there is not enough of the story to see what's going on.

Keep writing, but edit this first!!

Ps. I have some pieces that need crits, and I'd appreciate it if you took a look. I'm so desperate I've taken to begging on every post I do!

I'm sure you're totally sick of everyone telling you this, but please correct the grammatical errors. It's hard for me to focus on the quality of the actual writing when I keep getting distracted by grammar mistakes.

Anyway, this is pretty well-written... It looks like you have a good beginning, but as others have mentioned it's hard to tell from just one paragraph. I'd like to see more... I'm curious about "Celandine's war."

So, correct grammatical errors and typos and such, and perhaps make it more descriptive; I wasn't getting a very clear image of the characters in my head. Then you will have an intriguing beginning to your novel. ^_^

Keep writing!

Thank you head to the editing room right now!