Chionophobia #2 /P

Removed.

I love the way Kyle was introduced because it was so in character that it seemed to flow. Like, he got his way. The introduction was also rather inviting. This introduction... not so much. Come on. Before, you had sex. Now you have a storm?

This might not be so bad, except that it pales in comparison. So, automatically Kyle gets the interest and Jonathon gets ignored.

So... what you might think of doing is bringing out Jonathon's character a little bit more through some event. I know he's a quieter character and you want to exaggerate this, but only to some extent! I think it might be better if he was interrupted more... or something. I don't know... but you want to show him off interacting with people, or at least give a better idea of the setting so it appears that he is in a doctor's office, so therefore he is hiding from the rest of civilization while drinking wine and staring out at the storm.

Guh... not making sense.

So basically, show off more of his character and less of the storm by other characters (i.e. he is hiding from other people or enjoying a quiet moment alone... make that absolutely clear).

And wow... interesting patient, lol.

I disagree. I think that this introduction provides a good foil for that of the sweaty previous installment. This doctor fellow sort of makes me think of House, although that could just be your avatar...
The dialogue in this one wasn't that realistic, though. I mean, the things that Miss Rosenstrauch says are funny, but I couldn't create the little picture in my head, of her movements and body language. I'd like it if you described her a little more, and showed more of the awkward interaction between the two of them. What is their relationship? Is he some sort of special breast-doctor? Is he her new doctor? It seems like they've never met before, but that she had an appointment to see him. Consult, that's what it was.
The whole teen girl thing wasn't all that believable, really. It was very House-esque, but medical dramas aren't quite as good when they're written down and don't have Hugh Laurie.

I'd also like to see the office and surroundings described more.

She gave a curt nod and returned to her desk down the hall.

Jonathon looked over his schedule before walking out to his office mailbox and retrieving some patient files.

I don't know where these things are. Tell me what the carpet in the hallway looks like or something. I couldn't create a visual.
Also, it might sound better to say "...walking out to his office mailbox to retrieve some patient files." Wait, why is he walking out to his mailbox? Why are they in the mailbox and why doesn't Joanne bring them to him in the first place?

Some other minor issues:

Jonathon Graham pushed open his office door, left his light off.

This is a comma splice and it's awkward, especially as the first sentence. It would be easier to say "and left his light off." Or "the light" as opposed to "his".

She used to love watching his bright blue eyes dance as he spoke, but now, as the days and weeks drug on, his eyes had seemingly flushed their color away.

Drug? I didn't know it was a legitimate form of "to drag". Try "dragged"?

She took her seat and struggled to turn off her cell phone.

Struggled can certainly be used to describe the process of turning off one's cellphone, but it made me think that she was actually physically struggling. Also, the ditzy type of girl you seem to be describing wouldn't usually have trouble turning off a phone; most of them seem to spend a great deal of time attached to their phones.

Jonathon cleared his throat and smiled. “Well, Miss…Rosenstrauch, I’m sure you’ll be fine.” He stared at her partially exposed thigh, mouth ever so slightly agape.

“It’s just that…” she put her ring finger in her mouth, looked off to the right as if in thought. “Hmph.”

Jonathon nodded. “I understand that—” his voice was suddenly hoarse—“I understand that—”.

I didn't follow what was going on here. They're talking, she feels awkward talking to a handsome doctor, and then she just kind of stares off into space?

I really liked the descriptions of the storm.

Outside, morning storms marched in from the ocean.

Love that line!

Chionophobia...storm? Winter? Oooh, foreshadowing.

Colleen

Snoink:


Thanks for your time and consideration. Since we already discussed this, I'll omit it from here.


Colleen:


Also thanks for reading and responding. Sadly, the patient is a knock-on-wood replica of one of the clients I've had to deal with--the dialogue probably seemed unrealistic precisely because it was real. *shudder*

The issue of drug v. dragged. I wrestled with myself on that issue as well. I ended up going with drug (obviously) for the pun, even if it isn't obvious yet.

The office is introduced in subsequent parts, but it becomes irrelevant later. I hope, despite your negative findings here, you'll continue reading.



Thanks you two,
Brad

This does sound quite a bit like House...

Quick suggestion though:

I thought the patient was hilarious, but usually people who pay a lot of money for a simple consultaion have to be pretty convinced there's something wrong. You've got to get into the hypochondriac state of mind.

I don't doubt that this was based on real events, but...nonetheless, some options to help make it sound more believable:

1) A VERY FRANK ENTRANCE: Yeah, she's got guts to be sixteen and get a breast augmentation/talk to a male doctor about it later. A girl with that amount of...er...boldness would probably be either nervous or very matter of fact.

Perhaps something like: "Uhm, hi, Dr. Graham" or "Dr. Graham, I need to discuss something with you" would work out better.

And if you're trying to play out the humor (which, if you're not, you've completely failed and should never write again ), go with the latter. Ever seen 'Clueless'? Yup, that's a girl who knows absolutely nothing but is totally convinced that she knows everything.

A character like that might work out better than the mindless ditz as far as believability goes.

2) A REASON FOR GOING, STATED AT THE BEGINNING: Why is it important that the augmentation is hush-hush? Why is it important that she even had the surgery in the first place (and is concerned when something goes wrong)? There's a myriad to choose from- pageant queen, aspiring Playboy bunny, etc.- but will also help soothe the 'This doesn't sound real' readers.

I did really like this though- people really can be whackjobs, huh? Certainly a very awkward conversation, in any case.

And a good doctor character, too.

It was a trait Jonathon hated in women, unless they were beautiful.

With such a humorous remark as this, I'm expecting something about the girl. Was she beautiful enough/too ugly to get away with/not get away with the trait?

Only like when I run.

I think 'like' should be surrounded by commas. Oh, and the use of tits outside of dialog just doesn't seem right for the story, but perhaps thats just me.

I don't have as much compliment for #2 as I did for #1. I liked #1 more, this was just funny and lots of dialog. Not to say it was bad, of course not. It wasn't. But I liked #1 more.

This was not as good as the first installment.

Yet it was still very enjoyable to read.

I enjoyed this just as well as the first actually. Well done. You introduced your characters very well.

lmao wow okay so umm... yeah
that was awsome!
on to number 3!