Chionophobia #1 /P

Removed.

It was beautiful to read.

It was erotic but it wasn't...erotica. Which is good. I couldn't spot any stumbles in the writing, and the actual story behind it is good too.

I think I liked the dialog the best, and the way you showed us the characters. I liked it a LOT, Brad, really did. It was graceful, does that make any sense? It was graceful. Short, mostly dialog, but it had a lot more behind it than just what was shown to us, which is always good.

You didn't beat around the bush with the adult content, no creepy euphemisms, but you didn't get so far into it that I wanted to gag myself with a spoon and die. I was glad about that.

When can I expect to see another really good story from you? I'd love to read more.

Claudette:


Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. This is actually part of the much larger Chionophobia story I am working on, which I will post more of a little later on. I'm glad you enjoyed this opening, though, and I will make haste in posting the next portions for your consumption. ^_^


Best,
Brad

Ah, goodness, Brad.

I'll second Clau on dialogue being the best; it cleared up some questions I had initially, and really brought out characters, instead of relying on description, which was wonderful to read.

I hate to be repetatitive again, but not beating around the bush with the adult content made it all the stronger. I've seen some pieces with sex done so awkwardly, usually making a huge deal out of it, when really, it's best treated as something that happens, especially in what we've seen of this thus far. In this case, it's not a one-time occurrence, it's more a fact, and treating it as such, just another event that shapes a life, well, it makes my ears happy to not bleed.

Now! The beginning I had to read twice to make sure I knew what was going on. I'll just quote a couple the section below, but I think I must've read it too fast the first time, but if you look, it's something of a non sequitur. This section in particular: They laughed. Kyle recognized this laugh, its grossly demeaning falsity. After his father passed away and it was revealed he had an affair with his cousin, Kyle's mother was only capable of these awkward, fleeting laughs. They filled a room with the worst kind of despair: an icy reminder that something was gone.

See, at first, I thought it was his mother. Yeah, I know. I will warn you that I'm extremely tired and my brain isn't processing quite right, but I think I still would've read that and been "WTF?" for lack of better description.

So yes, I love your prose, and I like sinking my teeth into it. But what's this I hear about more?

Oh yes! One item I'm going to keep looking at with this is how you characterize each character, and their huminity (is that even a word? Not humanity, but.. oh I think you catch my drift). I think it was BiW that struck me as off there, so I'll be keeping it in mind, so ya know

Good work, as always, Brad.

Her exposed back—bereaved from the duty of making love—heaved, frightening Kyle in the way young boys are frightened of seeing porn for the first time.

I thought this description seemed out of place. Maybe you can tweak it again?

She loved the way he always looked preoccupied—from his classroom to here in bed—always as if in deep thought.

I would like it better if you didn't mention the classroom just yet. Instead, you can expand here...

“Me.” He said this blankly, expressionless. “How badly you must want me—your future splayed out before you. Julia, let me ask—”

So I would probably put:

“Me.” He said this blankly, expressionless. “How badly you must want me—your future splayed out before you. [Then I would put more description here. Shortness of dialogue is good, but a little more explanation might be really nice! ^_^] Julia, let me ask—”

“Oh…” he seemed unphased, “right. Well, you want your life, and I—”

I think it would be better as:

“Oh.” He seemed unphased. “Right. Well, you want your life, and I—”

I mean, it'll work the way it is, but I like the jerkiness of this way better.

She whimpered, leaning into his shoulder—a last attempt at pity. The door nearly buckled under the force of whatever it was Gracie’s roommate was using as a batter ram. Gracie looked up at Kyle, on her face: a plastered devilish grin, sparkling eyes. She licked his earlobe.

At this moment, you're making her seem like a very evil character with not much humanity, which isn't really good. I think a brief description on how she looks afraid might be nice here.

Still! Good start! I love how Kyle is introduced.

I agree with everything else that has been said

“Me either.”

Shouldnt this be "me neither" ???

Good story.

I didn't find it truly striking or new, but it was well-written and the dialogue was above average. I did have a problem with this sentence:

After his father passed away and it was revealed he had an affair with his cousin, Kyle’s mother was only capable of these awkward, fleeting laughs.
Ehh. It's too descriptive, I suppose. It didn't match the tone of the rest. It was one sentence of back story. It's a little too short and not really relevant (perhaps it is relevant, but I haven't read the rest of this Chionophobia series). It's describing just how this laugh makes him feel, but...it would be better off rephrased or dead.

It made me look up "chionophobia". Fear of snow?

I look forward to reading the other part of the story. "We're just getting started..." How creepy and suspenseful.

Colleen

>=O

And where am I? Hmmm?


...what? you said make it as worthless as your comment, right?



Nah, JK. Great dialogue, and, erm....description. Great approach to the scene, will keep track of it as you post it

Like cradium said, it was well-written. And it flowed very well. Not necessarily sure I found it strikingly provocative as most of your other works, but it was still enjoyable. Most certainly not boring, I liked the plot.

I thought this is the best piece I've read from the society so far though i have not read that many.
The only piece that felt out of place was

"Kyle recognized this laugh, its grossly demeaning falsity. After his father passed away and it was revealed he had an affair with his cousin, Kyle’s mother was only capable of these awkward, fleeting laughs. They filled a room with the worst kind of despair: an icy reminder that something was gone."

However all the rest was brilliant and that bit was still well written just out of place.

I got around to reading the first two chapters, Brad, but I don't have time to crit them. Sorry. I'll try to do that when I have more time.

One thing I am curious about is the title of the piece.

I googled it - "fear of snow" it will be interesting to see how this develops into the title, or the title cold be a metaphor.

Interesting.

Wow that was great! I felt like I was reading a real novel and you did absolutely excellent. I can't wait to read more. A poet in author's clothes? I think not!