Remember June

Remember those hot June nights
camped up on the house rooftop
under the ink black sky,
and a canopy of cherry trees,
stars like dust through the seams.
We had a passion for playing with fire,
embers burning in our eyes.
Just you and me,
the moon our only witness.


*My first attempt at a freeverse poem.

I haven't much to say about the words (yet) but you seem to have forgotten that punctuation exists.

Don't forget that key element. Otherwise it's difficult for me to read what you have here, you know? I'll come back and critique more thoroughly when I know how to read it

Punctuation is to poetry as a key is to a map. It helps you to read it, and show you where to go. (Lame analogy, sorry...)

Ach. I know. But I'm not sure how to punctuate poetry. Almost as if I have to be a musician to do so.

I put some in there. Did the best I could. But I'm not sure if that's how I want it still...I don't know if I did it right.

Miss POKE

I really, really, REALLY liked that. GREAT imagery... I loved the lines "a canopy of cherry trees", and "the moon our only witness."

The only thing I didn't understand was this line:

stars like dust through the clear

I don't really get where you mean... maybe because the words "dust" and "clear" sort of... contradict each other??? I don't know if I'm making any sense here... lol.

Oh, can I punctuate it! A few different ways? I'm a musician! Or at least I pretend to be at school for band... But remember, not everything needs to be punctuated! Or maybe pick at it with out anything done to it, and point out awkward phrases, first? yes.


remembering those hot june nights << leave "june" uncapitalized since nothing else is in caps, ok?
camped up on the house rooftop << get rid out "house" me thinks, and make it "camping" also. it fits better that way, doesn't it?
under the ink black sky << gar.. this line just feels awkward to me. "inky" maybe?
a canopy of cherry trees
stars like dust through the clear << period here, actually...
we had a passion for playing with fire
embers burning in our eyes << put a dash here (--, or a long single line if you do this in word)
just you and me << agreed, period here.
the moon our only witness

So! it looks something like this (sorry if I play too much, it's a habit! Just ignore anything that deviates too much from what you want.

remembering those hot June nights
camping on the rooftop
under the ink black sky.
a canopy of cherry trees,
stars like dust through the clear.
we had a passion for playing with fire,
embers burning in our eyes --
just you and me.
the moon our only witness.

How do you like that? I could play with it more, but I think I'll leave that to you.

Happy editing!

How do you punctuate poetry?

The secret, I think (although I know very little about it, really) is to read it. And then see where your natural pauses are, where you want to emphasize words and phrases, and punctuate accordingly. And yeah, being a musician helps. Seriously. There is a connection between poetry and music, LMAO.

And now! The critique.

I really have a problem with the first section (i.e. before the first full stop). Why? Because you're listing things. Plus, there's like, no proper grammatical structure (not that I can talk heheh).

When you start with "remembering", you forget to close the sentence; it just keeps going on, remembering hot June nights camped on the rooftop, under the sky, the cherry tree, stars like the dust etc. My problem with all that is that there is no point to all of this. I mean, when you start with a verb, you need to eventually bring a subject into the sentence, otherwise it just trails off and feels all uncomfortable. Um. To freaks like me, anyway LOL.

Basically, I like the tone and I like the flow, but there needs to be a sense of who is talking. At the moment, it's just stuff which could be happening to someone, somewhere, but you dont feel like telling us if they are, and then the "we" is kind of random, you know?

That being said, of course it's not necessary to always have an I or a You in poetry. It's just, here, it is necessary because of the way your poem is structured. I would advise changing it to this:

remembering those hot June nights,
camped up on the house rooftop
under the black ink sky,
I can see the cherry trees...etc.

Also, try not to say too much in the one sentence (even if it is broken up over different lines). If you read that as prose, it would be one massive run-on LOL. Trim it back a bit perhaps

Otherwise, a nice little piece of whimsy, particularly for a first attempt at free verse. Kudos ^_^

Cheers,
~bubbles