Grudge (Not The Movie)

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When situations such as this arose, which they often did, Matisyn had learned the invaluable charm of patience. The best idea was to keep his mouth shut. Hold his tongue, as Rose would put it. With his step-mother, Morene, attempting to find a flaw in his pre-rehearsed story, her annoying stare and her unwavering prerogative to catch him in an act, he fell into a collected stature and coolly answered her questions without radiating a hint of acrimony.

Eventually she’d give up, having no other choice. Of course she knew more than was comfortable but where was her proof? Without proof he would remain crimeless.

This was an illusion he had cast for months now. Before he started seeing Kat, it didn’t matter how he treated his father’s wife; at least he didn’t find her or his father to be a threat to his natural lifestyle. But once Kat came into his world he gained a sense of resolve.

Kat was the eldest niece of the infamous Sid Vortex, the head of the Vortex tree. The name held an inevitable malicious spirit within his household. Though the Vortex family was too influential to trifle with, there was a clear distaste lingering thick in his father’s heart. The family ruled whatever they chose to, simply because they could. This included especially those who were taken by the curse. Those who were infected with the disease of the blood, such as the Krüshtoff family.

Ironically Sid’s own late sister, Charlotte, had mothered him into this world. This was something his father either could not or did not dare aim to deny.

Though Kat was only affiliated with the Vortex family by marriage, her presence was unwelcome and her existence was vulnerable if his father ever found Matisyn with her. Even his suspicion was a threat and it was best not to provoke.

When Morene finally put her meaningless accusations to a rest, Matisyn was finally allowed to retreat to his bedchambers for the night. It was there his cloak of reserve fell and he exploded with unrevealed rage. He hit the wall at his bedside and cursed. How long would he manage to keep this up?

His twin brother shared the oversized bedroom with him. He only looked up from his notebook momentarily and then disregarded the thought. Daryis’s lips were already stained with bittersweet merlot wine he kept well hidden and handy. His headphones were on with every intention to evade the feud in the other room. He knew of Matisyn’s dilemma but preferred to interrogate only when spoken to directly; at least in this case.

Matisyn would much rather carry his own weight than get his brother involved. Besides, Daryis would only cause trouble for him. He managed to reveal more than needed at times. Though considerably gifted with words, Daryis was not reliable with Matisyn’s crisis.

Matisyn expected things to fall apart. It was the natural order of things. The question was when they would and what could he bring to his advantage until then.

He fell across his bed, his mind racing. He proposed the idea of “running away” to Kat more than once. The proposal was shot down with a label of suicide. There was no “running away”. Not from Sid. Certainly not with his niece.

When faced with Sid, death seemed merciful. Though Sid wasn’t his enemy, needless to say, he held no favorites and he had no reputation to be forgiving.

He fumbled in his coat pocket, producing a pack of cigarettes. A smoke would calm him down. He shook his head, knowing this would be his sixth today. Kat would not have been pleased.

He exhaled thick curls of smoke, beginning to ease.

Then his phone buzzed from the inside of his coat pocket.

“Hello?” He answered, his voice sharp. He had a very strong habit of intimidating others when he was agitated.

“Hey, everything okay?” The voice at the other end asked.

Kat.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. What’s going on?”

“Rose wants you over for dinner. Can you make it?”

How predictable that he would be invited to dine with the enemy.

“What time?”

“Well, can you get here now? I haven’t seen you in awhile.”

Matisyn couldn’t withhold a sigh. “Give me ten.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Kat, I’m fine. Can we not talk about this now?”

A pause.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit then.” Click.

Matisyn turned off the cell phone and tossed it on the sofa at the other end of the room.

“We’re going to dinner,” he announced.

“Why we?”

“Because I said so. Let’s go.”

“I never said I was going.”

But that didn’t seem to matter because Matisyn was already out the door and Daryis was following behind him.

*This desperately needs some help from the outside.
*Daryis has a shared costody bond with ConformandObey_ItsFun
Last edited by rosethorn on Sun Dec 24, 2006 11:55 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Without proof he would remain crimeless.


I think 'crimeless' should be changed to 'blameless' -- whether there's proof or not, he still committed a crime.

Kat was the eldest niece of the infamous Sid Vortex, the head of the Vortex tree. The Vortex name held an inevitable malicious spirit within his household. Though the Vortex family was too influential to trifle with, there was a clear distaste lingering thick in his father’s heart. The Vortex family ruled whatever they chose to, simply because they could.


You say Vortex way too many times here; it gets irritating/repetitive. Find a way too lessen use of that word.

The question was when they would and what could he bring to his advantage until then.


Awkward sentence. I suggest revising it.

Apart from that, it was good. You didn't give very much to go on, but it is interesting. Good writing, well done.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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This was interesting! I like the tone of it, and the way things are explained... One thing I felt was kinda missing was something more about Kat. I think it'd help to hear a little about what she's like, and what makes Matisyn like her... Just a thought!
Last edited by Lilyy03 on Sun Dec 24, 2006 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello Rosethorn!

When situations such as this arose, which they often did, he had learned the invaluable charm of patience. The best idea was to keep his mouth shut. Hold his tongue, as Rose would put it.
Great! An excellent way to draw us in. :D It made me anxious to see--what was happening--what's so trying?--(who's Rose?...coincidentally, are you going to introduce her? You mention her right away, I assumed I would meet her quickly.)--who's the character?

It's a little off-balance to delay revealing a main character's name so long. He, who should be the most important character, is named last--even after Rose, whoever she is. Last but not least? Maybe. I think it's fine not to have his name right at the beginning sentence--even the first three or four--but it would be nice not to wait six paragraphs before finding out who he is.

Then...the first sentence set me up for the "situation". Okay, you have a lot of conflict for Matisyn, and you tell us a lot about it. But look at this: you've set up a great opportunity, with your opening, to show us his character. Why not show us the interrogation with his step-mother? We can see for ourselves, maybe, the tension between them, her suspicion...etc...Also, dialog adds another dimension to a character, takes up less space, and requires less patience for the reader (at least...for me. :wink:).

Nice diction as well.

He only looked up from his notebook momentarily and then disregarded the thought. Daryis's lips were already stained with bittersweet merlot wine he kept well hidden and handy. His headphones were on with every intention to evade the feud in the other room. He knew of Matisyn's dilemma but preferred to interrogate only when spoken to directly; at least in this case.
...they have some issues in their family, I guess. This tells a lot about the situation. Good job--and nice diction: "stained".

The proposal was shot down with a label of suicide. There was no "running away." Not from Sid. Certainly not with his niece.
Very interesting. Loved the way you split the last sentences. Sid must be intimidating. I'm not sure about "label" of suicide. I know what you're saying, but it doesn't seem quite right.

Beware of outright telling everything. I think all you need to add is some dialog, and it would take it to the next level.

Good job! :D

~Jacquie~
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EDITED.

Added some dialogue but something doesn't feel right about it. I'm always nervous about giving characters like this voice because I'm not always confident about playing the role of a "tough guy".

Also, I recognized the need to name my character sooner. Done.

Your thoughts are appreciated. :D

Miss POKE



Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead