Forgotten Stars

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Well, I guess I'm on a short story spree ha ha. Anyways, here is another one. I will finish editing 'Brothers', but I wanted to get this one posted because I like it a lot too. I'll appreciate all critiques!

~Aero

Forgotten Stars

Danny stopped in front of the white-washed wall, reading the big block letters inscribed neatly in the center, “IN HONOR OF THOSE MEMBERS OF THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN THE SERVICE OF THEIR COUNTRY,” and there beneath it lay eighty-three golden stars, twinkling brightly at him.

He stared at those stars, carefully giving each its due. This is what we get, he thought, this is what we get. A man gives his life for his country and this is what he gets. A star with no name, nothing. A star on a blank wall that will eternally remain a secret.

“Hi there, Danny Boy. What’re you doing?” Jack walked up behind him.

Danny paused, “I’m thinking.”

“Thinking, eh? Anything in particular you’re thinking about?”

Danny turned away from the wall to face Jack. He opened his mouth and paused, thinking about whether he wanted to ask the question he’d been wondering since that day he’d started training at The Farm. Then, looking straight into Jack’s eyes he asked, “Do you ever wonder if it’s worth it?”

Jack didn’t answer for a second, pondering how to answer the question. It wasn’t an easy one, and was one Jack had asked himself many times before when he’d first became an operations officer. It was probably the toughest question any officer could ever ask himself or any of his comrades, but he finally decided on the answer he’d given every rookie that had asked him this very question, “It is.”

Danny was stunned. How could the answer be that simple? Then, he dared to ask, “How do you know?”

Jack smiled, “You know, that’s a tough one. Everyone has to find their own meaning in this job. Most it’s for love of country, some for family, some for adventure. I’ve found mine, and you need to find yours.”

Their beepers suddenly went off and Jack whispered, “It’s time.” He left Danny staring at the stars.

***

The night was barren of any comfort to give Jack as he crept amidst the clustered apartment buildings. He kept to the shadows, watching the drivers ignorantly pass him along the road. Each second he walked was precious not only to him but to a much larger cause. A cause that represented the giving of safety and comfort to millions of people, millions of people that slept comfortably in their homes under the assumption that everything was fine. While in truth, only three men knew this assumption to be wrong. Jack was one of these.

He knew the drop point was close, but not nearly close enough for his liking. A mile to most would seem short but to a CIA Officer it seemed like an eternity. He glanced back again, masking the fear that welled up deep within him. No one was following.

The alley loomed into view on his right and he walked, seemingly careless, into it and quickly broke into a sprint. “Second right,” he continued to tell himself as he ran past mountains of crates and garbage, lying against the brick walls. Glancing behind, he watched a shadow flicker. Perspiration began to drip from his brow as he passed the first turnoff.

He kept going, running through the alleys he’d carefully memorized for the past four months in preparation for this very night. The city’s urban area was a maze of towering brick giants, surrounded by streets winding and turning every which way. He looked back at the shadows again. Another flicker.

Mentally reprimanding himself, he cursed for possibly allowing someone to follow him. Now he had to check to see if the possibility was a reality. Ducking his head, he quickly ran past a pool of light, cascading down from a door lamp and turned at the buildings edge to stop immediately. Making doubly sure his shadow wasn’t revealed in the light, he waited.

Seconds crept by and nothing happened. Jack began to relax, but then heard a step. And another. He turned his attention to the pool of light. Nothing happened. The gentle hum of the door lamp was deafening as Jack waited. Then, a shadow flickered across the light, quickly disappearing. Jack smiled to himself. Smart man, he thought, disappearing before the light. But not smart enough. Jack commenced his escape once again, dismissing the follower cockily, knowing the alley the follower took would lead to a dead end.

Creeping along, he finally reached the open area between him and the outskirts. The outskirts was a dense forest that was ultimately impassable and luckily for him untraceable. He reached the road and quickly ran across to hide amongst some bushes. The open area lay before his eyes now, stretching between the bushes and the forest for at least one hundred yards. One hundred yards free and clear, he thought to himself.

Reaching into his coat, he tapped a silver dollar reassuringly and then grabbed a ballpoint pen. He unscrewed the tip to reveal a laser point and quickly began to send a signal at the assigned rock just inside the forest. If he could’ve seen through the dark, he would’ve seen Danny’s hand poke out and signal the rock in front of Jack’s bushes with his own pen. Jack took a good look around after seeing the response to his signal and then began his sprint across the field.

He could see Danny now, shaking his head and smiling behind the rock, waiting for him. This would be Jack’s last operation and well, Jack had to admit he was happy about it and allowed himself to smile in return.

“Halt!” A Russian voice called out. The sound of a light clicked and Jack stopped in the middle of the field, eyes widening. White light blasted against his back and he watched Danny duck behind the rock again.

Jack knew what was coming. He had prepared for this his entire career, and just when he thought he’d escaped them, his worst fears had caught up with him. Slowly raising his hands, he reached inside his coat and Danny watched the silver dollar flutter to the ground. Jack stomped on it, smiling, and turned to face his fears.

***

Danny stopped in front of the Memorial Wall staring at the bright new star. There were now eighty-four. He fingered the silver dollar that the CIA Director had given him. They'd extracted the microdot of information from the middle and the director had personally handed it to him and said, "I thought you might like to have this." Danny turned it over and smiled, staring at the inscribed message. “It's worth it, Danny Boy.”
Last edited by aeroman on Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




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I like it, as I said. The beginning especially is well done. One thing that bugged me throughout though - too many commas! You're always using commas before speech when a full stop would give better effect. So you might want to work on that.

Jack didn’t answer for a second, pondering how to answer the question. It wasn’t an easy one, and was one Jack had asked himself many times before when he’d first became an operations officer. It was probably the toughest question any officer could ever ask himself or any of his comrades, but he finally decided on the answer he’d given every rookie that had asked him this very question, “It is.”

This bit would have been better if it were shorter, I think, and more straightforward. Danny is shocked at the simplicity of the answer; the reader, however, is bogged down with your explanation of Jack's philosophy. This is unnecessary, IMHO. Something like:

Jack didnt hesitate. This was the toughest question any officer could ask himself, but he'd made his decision long ago.

"It is," he said.

Then, he dared to ask,

This bit isnt necessary either, IMHO. We know from Danny's shock that he's startled; I dont think we need to hear about him "daring" to ask.

The night was barren of any comfort to give Jack as he crept amidst the clustered apartment buildings. He kept to the shadows, watching the drivers ignorantly pass him along the road. Each second he walked was precious not only to him but to a much larger cause. A cause that represented the giving of safety and comfort to millions of people, millions of people that slept comfortably in their homes under the assumption that everything was fine. While in truth, only three men knew this assumption to be wrong. Jack was one of these.

Some of these sentences are awkward, and somewhat passive. It sounds like you're ... circling a subject and then approaching from the wrong direction, lol. Just come out and say it: The night was comfortless. Or, Jack found no comfort in the barren night. He kept to the shadows, watching the oblivious drivers pass by (BTW, "ignorant" is the wrong word -- it has connotations of extreme stupidity which seem out of place here).

This paragraph skips too suddenly to the next; I think you should phase them in a bit more somehow. The subjects seem a bit unrelated.

A couple of major things I think you should work on:

1. POV. Your narration is very Eye-of-God - kind of, he did this, he felt that, etc. You need to stop describing what they do and feel so precisely, and start allowing the actions and surroundings to speak for themselves. Instead of "Jack began to relax, but then heard a step" for example, something like, "Leaning back against the dark building, Jack let out his breath in a rush. He was safe. He was about to move again when the footsteps resumed behind him, and he crouched low, his heart thundering again. Stupid! He'd just about been caught!"

2. Characters. I am only getting a faint sense of either Jack or Danny's character. If I were you, I'd try to get inside their heads a bit. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? WHY are they thinking/feeling this? And I dont just mean, "He feels scared because he's being followed" -- that's fairly obvious. I'd go deeper; more like, "He feels scared, because he's being followed, and he thinks the follower is an enemy, and he's getting that tingly feeling between his shoulder blades again, which reminds him of when he was a kid, and how his big brother crept up on him in the dark and scared him witless" type of thing. Also, what significance does the silver dollar have for Jack? Could you build on this in some way, to make the ending more poignant? What exactly is the relationship between Jack and Danny, aside from rookie/old hand? I think we need a teensy bit more exposition here. Which brings us to...

3. Length. Short story or no short story, I reckon this could use some fleshing out. In particular, the Jack bit. At the moment, it's kind of confused, as though you're trying to shove too much info into too small a space. Pace yourself. Spread it out a bit and get a bit more description in there. I need to be grounded in place and time, and at the moment, all we have is a nebulous night, possibly in Russia somewhere, which has a forest in it. This isnt much! LOL.

It is a great little story though, and with a bit more polishing I reckon it will be really awesome. I particularly like the line "Jack smiled, and turned to face his fears." Superb.

Look forward to reading more, Chocolate Person.

Cheers,
~bubbles
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I think Bubbles has covered it all really and im not the best at Criting, being hopeless at grammer and spelling doesnt help my cause much. Like she said i think it has the makings of something really amazing but needs a bit more grit to it.
I love the significance, or insignificance as the case seems to be of the stars. its really hard hitting, after doing what they did for the country life boils down to a star. Harsh reality.
great work, sorry i couldnt be more help :elephant:
hanz
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