fix it

Boxed in
Locked out
My heart is racing
I hear a shout
My brain in doubt
As I stand out
Of this crowd
All around
Because I am meant to stay out

This belongs in the poetry department.

*Moved to Other Poetry*

First of all, "ment" should be "meant." Just a little spelling thing, that's all.

This seems like you're trying to hard for the rhyme and not enough for the poem. Throw away the rhyming aspect for just a moment and focus instead on what your heart tells you. How does it want to express itself?

You're talking about loneliness, so you're going to want to talk about what specific event makes you feel shut out and so on. Make us see the picture instead of just telling us you feel shut out. Otherwise, we don't connect very well to the poem.

Hope that helped!

This definetly sparks something but it doesn't hit strong enough because the rhyming is so incredibly forced.

You've got the right focus as far as the message goes but you're drowning it out by trying to fit it into such a tight box.

Relax the rhyming and allow the message to flow a bit more and you surely might have something here.

As always,

Miss POKE

Yeh, a peom doesn't have to rhyme, and by making it do that you are ruining the whole meaning of the poem. Relax a little and just the the poetry flow.

Another little thing is your spelling and grammar. They could be adjusted a little to make it more readable. On some of the sentences you have capital letters at the beginning, but not on all of them, is this intentional?

Hope it helps!

RR*

For me, one of the most stressed parts is My brain in doubt. But the "Boxed in, Locked out, seems fine to me.