The Grampians

A K of bushland
Blackened by fire
New growth bloom where the old growth fall

The Kangaroo tails
A wonder of the bush
Take years to grow a metre tall

Tumbling water
At the heart
The mighty Mackenzie Fall

A remarkable picture
I have blu-tacked
To my bedroom wall

I'm stuck in the city
But in my blood
The Grampians, for me call

Victorian Hills
The Grampians
In my heart, stand tall.

I didn't completely understand this poem, but this is what I have to offer:

A K of bushland
Blackened by fire
New growth bloom where the old growth fall

Put K in quotes..."K". Make growth plural..."growths". Make fall into fell.

The Kangaroo tails
A wonder of the bush
Take years to grow a metre tall

Tails...take years to grow a metre tall? And why is Kangaroo capitalized?

Tumbling water
At the heart
The mighty Mackenzie Fall

Perhaps "At the heart OF/The might Mackenzie Fall"

A remarkable picture
I have blu-tacked
To my bedroom wall

So the three stanzas above are a description of this picture in your bedroom or is it something else entirely? Or are you just looking for more "all" rhymes?

I'm stuck in the city
But in my blood
The Grampians, for me call

I don't know what Grampians are. And I know you have to have the "all" rhyme at the end...but it's really awkward phrasing.

Victorian Hills
The Grampians
In my heart, stand tall.

What do Victorian Hills have to do with the rest of the stanza? I don't know what you're making allusions to.

In general: The stanzas are too short and too few, and they don't have punctuation except for that one period at the very end. Try...not having so many line breaks. Maybe add more stanzas and give this poem a meaning. Right now it seems to be a bunch of images from Australia, which, although pleasing, don't seem connected. If you connect things, explain more, and perhaps make this piece a bit longer, it has potential. Keep writing.

-Colleen

If i made fall into fell, it wouldnt rhyme. Kangaroo Tail is a plant, and it takes years to grow. i cant say the heart of the might ... etc because the falls are in the heart of the grampians, which, if you read the title is what the whole poem is about. The Victoria Hills bit is there because that is what the grampians are, hills in victoria. Maybe if you were just a little bit more optimistic, you might under stand those little bits. But thanks for the punctuation advice. I'll rewrite the peom and see what happens.

Hey LL! Nice to see some of your work at last

I second most of what cadmium said about consistency - the stanzas arent very well connected, so I'd work on making the images flow if I were you. I would also advise you not to get hung up on rhyming words, because rhyming poetry (while pretty) is more difficult than it looks and, to be honest, cramps your style. You have some lovely strong images which arent being fully expressed because you're too anxious to keep to the rhyme scheme. IMHO, the rhyme is fairly unnoticeable and as such adds very little to the poem except for a bit of constraint and some rather questionable sentences ("for me call" for example). I'd love to see what you could do if you dropped the traces and just let loose!

One more thing; I would also recommend changing (a) your sentence structure and (b) the beginning of each verse so that they're not so similar. Too much of the same sort of thing dulls the mind, even when each sentence introduces new ideas etc. At the moment, I think this needs a bit more flow and a bit more sparkle, but with an overall spit and polish (and perhaps removal of rhyme) I reckon you'll have an awesome poem here ^_^ Kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles

This is all pretty confusing! I'm not saying it's bad, just that it doesn't really make sense. But I'm sure with a bit of editing and some more critiques it could be fine!

Hope it helps!

RR*

This was kinda confusing. Make sure all of your tenses are correct. Good effort though. Keep writing and you'll go far.


Jearjioe

I also did not understand this poem, and by the end almost had to force myself to complete it. As previously mentioned, the stanza are too short and too few. The rhyme scheme, although I can clearly see what it is, is lost when it is interrupted by the stumbling words inbetween. When I was reading it, I didn't even notice a rhyme scheme at all--it took to much effort to understand the lines inbetween...there is just not much rhythm.

Most poems have the intent of making the reader think--however, this thinking usual consists of something profound, not the reader trying to make sense of the poem itself. Your ideas here need to be expressed a little more clearly, I think. Try having another person read this allowed to you and tell you what they think the poem is about, and I think you will understand what I mean.

Happy Editing!
aMego

I understood this poem but it seemed like two different poems put togther. The first two verses you discuss the kangaroo tails.

For the second two you move onto your subject: THe Grampians.

They don't seem connected really in terms of poetic license.

keep in mind guys that i posted this straight after writing it, so of course its going to be crappy

Your english isnt correct in alot of places, but I like it that way. It sounds more interesting if you read it outloud. It drew me in, and made me imagine more deeply. Nice work, especially the improv.