Hurricane

Hurricane

Winds blow
cars roll
trees fall
Cows fly


Windows shatter
buildings crumble
hearts break
Children cry


Waters rise
bridges sway
lives collapse
People die

Um. OK.

My biggest reaction on reading this poem was, "so what?"

Seriously - it's not like I dont care that people die in hurricanes, and all, but this poem more or less left me cold. Sorry!

That being said, I did like the way you set up the rhyme scheme so that the last lines rhymed -- it gave your ending a bit of extra oomph, which is always good Unfortunately, I think most of this poem was wasted in lines that were too short, and more or less stated the obvious.

After all, I *know* that the wind blows, cars roll, trees fall and all the rest of it in a hurricane. It's rather hard to miss when a cow flies past your window, LMAO. Seriously though, what I think your major problem is here is that you dont explore the hurricane; you just report it. The poem reads like a list - this happens, this happens, this happens, and this happens. There is no emotion here!

What you need to do is think of the poem as attempting to communicate the experience of a hurricane to someone who (a) has never experienced a hurricane and (b) is blind and deaf. What does it *feel* like? How does the air go with all that wind? Is there humidity? Can you feel the air pressure? Does it sting? Is it damp? How, exactly, does the world react to a hurricane -- what does a hurricane *do*? Does it slap the ground? Ravage the sky? What? I want to feel this hurricane as though it just broke through my window and smacked me in the face.

Or, to put it bluntly, show me, dont tell me. But I'm sure you've heard that one before, LOL.

Anyway, I think you need to go deeper with this one.

Cheers,
~bubbles

PS: Welcome to YWS!

This is an accurate description of a hurricane. But, it's braf. You are saying all these things that happen in a hurricane, but you aren't showing us how they happen. There isn't really enough imagery here to pull a reader in and make them want to read it again. It's short, and in the end boring. It needs more substance, I think. Without it, it's just a list of possible effects of a hurricane.

Happy Editing.
aMego

=( I get your points, and totally didnt realize it, I feel like I was blind... thank you

Note: I have experienced a hurricane, actually just went through hurricane #3

Mr. Everyone --

Nobody's disputing that. But since your experience is so close, your memory of it should be pretty vivid. ry and put some of that in your poem. What does it feel like to go through a hurricane?

I, for one, would be really interested to find out

Cheers,
~bubbles

I'll work on it and let you know, I'll put up an essay in a couple days about it.

Also the live collaspse line would be better lives lost i think that all i can think of.

I liked that poem, but it just seems a little empty. Thats all. But I have to write 2 replies so I will

and now to write a second post I agree with bubblewrapped (in the nicest way possible), but when I first read the poem, i got the sense it was like mine, something you just think of and you write it in a scrapbook. Lol. Something... something...
I'd love to read this poem when you rewrite it with ore description and more of a body, so it isnt so empty and hollow.

Mr. Everyone,


The absence of poetry, metaphorical lapses conjure a linear narrative of small means. Voice runs on and finds itself describing items, as opposed to the embodiment of a vision or experience.

Too much telling through out.

Prose has a way of depriving the reader of dreamstate. Your pen needs to take more pains along its journey. Here, the hit and run accident seems too matter of fact.


Take care,
Brad

This definitely needs stronger imagery. I can only imagine what a terrifying experience going through a hurricane must have been. Try to make the reader feel that terror.

This has potential, see where you can take it.I'd really like to see a revised version of this poem.

Keep writing!