p2 unfinished bissness

"SO sorry Kia I have tooken your life away but it was your time".
"Who are you?" "Well the angel of high Casttello". "My name is Beth Im so sorry I did'nt mean to take you but it was your time Kia".
soon the angel dissapered I closed my eyes for it was no dream for a real dream would be truley be fake this was no dream for that I could only wish. My chest filled up again I was dead and will could not see me I had to sent him a message hopefully he would get it. But I was'nt completly sure he did 'nt kill me but he would'nt I knew him.The ring he had given me it was on the floor the church was burnt so they could not do an ottopsiy nobody cared I was dead and that was that my wedding dress was long and sleveless and stapless.But what conted was my love for will and who ever did this would some how pay!!!!!!

This is not poetry dear.

Please read the rules before posting any further.

-moved-

Hi there! I see we meet again! Nice to see you're using some more punctuation in this one and some more formatting. Kudos! Still, you might want to think about fleshing this out some more - I still dont really know what is happening, who it's happening to, where we are, when we are, and so on. I mean, I *know*, but what's happening here is the reader (i.e. me) has to play detective and piece together your (sorry) ramblings to make a story in their own head, and figure it out that way.

And this isnt good. Next thing you know they'll be off writing their own story instead of reading yours! What you want to do is guide the reader through your own vision of the story. So, to do this you need structure. **nods** Uh huh. Right now, this is kind of like something which just happened to occur during speed-writing and it hasnt been edited properly. If I were you, I'd write out a summary of the plot, and then try and work out what happens when and where and to whom, and then you can write in a more orderly way, 'k?

Please PM me if you need any crits or tips or anything, I'll be happy to help in any way I can

As always,
Cheers,
~bubbles