Moon

I feel like something is missing. As many crits as possible please, I am very open-minded about this one. Editing suggestions in as we go along

I’ve never felt as warm
As I do now
And never been so warmed
Than underneath your
Bouncing, hyperactive light
That glows like a hot, gleaming moon
And full like my smile that only shows out here.
You bathe me and these surroundings in silky calm.
I run through trees to get out of forests
Because the boughs obstruct my vision
Though when I lift my arms right up
I can reach you
(I can touch the moon when no-one else comes close)
And your luminous fingertips melt leaves between us
On the ground, they are melting like my insides
Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,
Everything slowly melds together
Because I have licked, kissed and held the moon
Until a part of me has become you.

I really like how this was written. I like how it all seems to build up to one climax, and I like your original descriptions of things.


I’ve never felt so warm
Than now

This doesn't seem to flow that well. Maybe 'as' might fit better than 'than'. Then you'd have to add 'I do' inbetween. Just a suggestion.

Than underneath your
Bouncing, hyperactive light
That glows like a hot, gleaming moon

I really like your language here.

And your luminous fingertips melt leaves between us
On the ground, they are melting like my insides
Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,
Everything slowly melds together
Because I have licked, kissed and held the moon
Until a part of me has become you.

I also really enjoy your wording and your language here.


You say you think something is missing, but I'm not sure if I completely agree with you. I do sense what you think might be missing, but I think it works well with it - if you hadn't have said anything I would have thought the missing thing was intended.

Does that make sense?

I’ve never felt as warm
As I do now

First, this isn't very good. It's a cliche, and just a turn-off as an opener.

And never been so warmed

Secondly, you repeat it immediately afterward. So, in essense, I think the entire thing would be better without the first two lines.

Than underneath your
Bouncing, hyperactive light
[s]That [/s]glow(ing) like a hot, gleaming moon
And full like my smile [s]that only shows out here. [/s]

Full as my as smile, perhaps. The rest of it is useless. If this was my own, I'd incorporate something to do with the pearly whiteness of both moon and smile, even the mysteriousness. There's a million things you could use to your advantage here.

You bathe me [s]and these surroundings [/s]in silky calm.
I run through trees to get out of forests
Because the boughs obstruct my vision
[s]Though when[/s] I lift my arms right up
( and) [s]I[/s] can reach you
(I can touch the moon when no-one else comes close)
[s]And [/s]your luminous fingertips melt leaves between us
On the ground, they are melting like my insides
Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,

Stomach and liver are a bit unromantic.

Everything slowly melds together
Because I have licked, kissed and held the moon
Until a part of me has become you.

Nicely done. Just cut out the useless, bulky words.

I’ve never felt as warm
As I do now
And never been so warmed
Than underneath your
Bouncing, hyperactive light

I'm not much for the last line above, it's very hard to get out--just too many hard sounds, kind of screws up the flow.

That glows like a hot, gleaming moon
And full like my smile that only shows out here.
You bathe me and these surroundings in silky calm.
I run through trees to get out of forests

I also had a problem with this line. I'm not really sure why, it's just not appealing to me.

Because the boughs obstruct my vision
Though when I lift my arms right up
I can reach you
(I can touch the moon when no-one else comes close)
And your luminous fingertips melt leaves between us
On the ground, they are melting like my insides
Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,

The line above is killer. Here, I imagine a man down on one knee holding a ring and proposing to his girlfriend saying "Honey, when I'm with you my intestines, stomach, lungs, and liver molds together and I am at peace." Then, I image her calling him an idiot and taking off. The analogy is just not very appealing at all.

I kind of have to agree with you that there is something missing, though I have no idea what it is either so I'm not much help haha. I agree that it is a little too wordy, but maybe it also lacks "pretty" imagery? Like...feel good, beautiful, calm, soft imagery?

Well, I hope this at least helped a little!
Meg

[quote]Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,

The line above is killer. Here, I imagine a man down on one knee holding a ring and proposing to his girlfriend saying "Honey, when I'm with you my intestines, stomach, lungs, and liver molds together and I am at peace." Then, I image her calling him an idiot and taking off. The analogy is just not very appealing at all.[quote/]

I completely agree with this statement. Over all it was written very well, and I too liked your discriptions.

[quote](I can touch the moon when no-one else comes close)[quote/]

Love it. Perhaps, maybe there is something missing. It may be more emotion or the way the words flow together. I'm not really sure.

I’ve never felt as warm
As I do now

Cliche yes, but add -- onto the end of it. so it would read I've never felt as warm --
As I do now.

Sorry...I just had to put that in before I forgot. NOTE THE FULL STOP. (I'm not at my most diplomatic when tired)

And never been so warmed
Than underneath your

Make that
I've never been so warmed
Than underneath your

It would make a bit more sence...Sorry, you awake people would probably disagree with me, hey, -i'd- probably disagree with me once I woke up again so it's no biggie. It's just little things that I've picked on...not major things but...it helps.

~Chibi[/i][/quote]

You're right, I reckon there's something missing too. And that seems to me to be emotion. I mean, it's *there*, but it's not getting full expression for some reason. I think it's like, we cant see the wood for all the trees; that is, we can't hear your real voice because there are all these words in the way.

OK, I dont know what I'm talking about either.

Moving on...

I’ve never felt as warm
As I do now
And never been so warmed
[s]Than underneath[/s] as I am beneath your
Bouncing, hyperactive light
That glows like a hot, gleaming moon
And full like my smile that only shows out here.

1. Capitals. Nothing annoys me more in poetry than unnecessary capitalisation.

2. Punctuation could seriously make this a whole lot better.

I've never felt as warm
as I do now -
and never been so warmed...etc.

3. What's wrong with this picture? IMHO, "bouncing hyperactive light" is seriously...off. The rest of your poem is soft and romantic. Why is this line so harsh?

4. Last line...not so much. I think it adds nothing, really.

You bathe me [s]and these surroundings[/s] in silky calm.
I run through trees to get out of forests
Because the boughs obstruct my vision
Though when I lift my arms right up
I can reach you
(I can touch the moon when no-one else comes close)

1. Suggestion: you bathe the world in silky calm

2. "Though" does not seem to fit after forests and boughs (which themselves seem out of place -- where is the connection?). If I were you, I'd go with "and".

3. Love the line in brackets.

And your luminous fingertips melt leaves between us
On the ground, they are melting like my insides
Intestines and stomach and lungs and liver,
Everything slowly melds together
Because I have licked, kissed and held the moon
Until a part of me has become you.

1. Love the luminous fingertips. But where is your punctuation?!

2. Insides melting are one thing (and a bit cliche, might I add) but please, dont list them!

3. Not sure "licked" works either -- a bit too out of context, IMHO.

4. Ending could use a bit more spunk. It's pretty cliche too; see if you can come up with something more original to match the rest of the poem.

Cheers,
~bubbles