Busybodies

I stand here and watch the busybodies.
Electric doors, street vendors,
warm exhaust fumes choke the passersby.
Mistletoe boughs climb street poles
and Santa’s bell rings lightly. I stand
and watch the busybodies,
never knowing why they didn’t
stand and watch with me.

Hmm.

This is one of those poems that seems so familiar, yet it still makes you think about the perspective.

While I think poems about watching others is overdone, I still like them. It makes me stop worrying about my own life, and reminds me to observe the world and expand my knowledge.

For some reason, line 4 reminded me of "Jingle Bells" lyrics, haha. I like it, though.

I'm trying to decide - should "choke" in line 3 be "choking" instead? Normally, if you have a fragment like that, you list each item as an observation instead of an action... It makes sense in my head, lol! Put "I see" in front of each item, for instance, and decide for yourself. I don't mean put "I see" actually in the poem - I really love fragments - but just read it in your head, like, "I see electric doors, I see street vendors, I see warm exhaust fumes choke (or choking) the passersby." I'm not sure - poetry is a little tougher to judge grammatically.

I'm also trying to decide whether or not this should be two stanzas. Obviously, there could be a nice break in line 5, between "lightly" and "I stand," as it is a natural break in the idea. However, it's sort of a cliche stanza on it's own, yet the entire block of the poem seems too much...

I'm not sure. I think that maybe if you try for more unusual imagery, really find the point of each observation (especially the ending), it would be a more powerful poem. As it is, I'm afraid I'd have to consider it only mediocre. Interesting idea, yet overdone, and not displayed in a very exciting way.

I want to challenge you to look for the unusual. You know what can be really fun and useful? You know those poetry magnet things, where they have little words on them and you can rearrange them? Get some obscure topic (my teacher has a physics set) and put random words together. You'll come up with some really interesting phrases. For instance, someone in my class came up with, "Why did the sun grow cold?" Granted, I think that's been done already, too, but there are many crazy combinations out there. Look at an object, then zoom in on it, and focus on one tiny detail of it. Don't describe the rest of it to us - just use that tiny detail. It can carry a lot of impact, trust me.

Good luck!

Trident:


You write about the magic of everyday life without believing in said magic.

At the end of the day, I'm left wondering what you're trying to do with this. There's little to differentiate it from the flood of descriptions that supposedly reflect life rushing by us. Why would you think anyone would find this particular piece fascinating? It demonstrates the same flaws your last post did.

A reasonable strategy might be to try something different with your next posting.


Take care,
Brad

Well, I dont know. I guess most of it has been said already. In one sense, I liked this - the tone is nice and whimsical, and suits my mood. But as a poem, it is somehow dissatisfying. Perhaps you could try to go a bit deeper next time.

Trident,
I think you should add to this. Simply write more stanzas. This left me on a cliff, it ended abruptly with no real ending.

The tone is good and the lines are well written, but something is missing, the point your trying to make isn't clear to me. If that point becomes clear to the reader, this poem will become more menaingfull.



Jearjioe