Oh sweet sir

here I am once again,
singing out of tune
dancing without rythym
painting without paint
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth
oh sweet sir may I interest you
my sweet oblivion, Im in orbit
the narcotics are mezmerizing
why cry I havn't lost anything
slowly dying feels great
maybe you should get out of me
Im done with you
maybe I should wake up from this sweet release
or maybe just a few seconds more

I cant imagine why nobody has reviewed this -- I quite like it! Perhaps you could change the title, though? It isnt very...promising, LOL. Anyways - to the crit!

here I am once again,
singing out of tune
dancing without rythym
painting without paint
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth

I think you go on a bit much here. By the fourth line, you've made your point. Choose which "x without y" lines you like best and cut out the others. Too much repetition dulls the senses. I'd recommend keeping the 6th line, though, as it leads nicely into the next part.

oh sweet sir may I interest you [in]
my sweet oblivion, Im in orbit

I love this bit. Seriously. But throughout the poem, I think you need to tighten up with your punctuation. For instance, it's "I'm" and there needs to be a full stop after the last line of the "x without y" section, and there needs to be one after "my sweet oblivion". I'm not sure about the repetition of "sweet" here, but it seems to work for the moment.

the narcotics are mezmerizing
why cry I havn't lost anything
slowly dying feels great
maybe you should get out of me
Im done with you
maybe I should wake up from this sweet release
or maybe just a few seconds more

This bit is a little confusing; needs punctuation and a bit more order to make better sense. Full stop or ellipses at the end (your choice LOL) might give the last line a bit more impact. It sounds like it should have jazz, but it falls flat through no punctuation or emphasis. Work on that.

Overall, a very interesting poem. I'll look forward to seeing some more of your work.

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hmm...Godame it Bubbles! you stole all the points! *sulks*

But aye, punctuation, spelling and popping one half into a new verse would make it a bit easier to read, I think. But then, I'm never sure how to spell 'rhythm' so...do ask me. (rhythem, rythem,rhythemn...I give up)

here I am once again,
singing out of tune
dancing without rythym
painting without paint
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth

I'd write it

here I am once again,
singing out of tune(;/,)
dancing without rythym(;/,)
painting without paint<---remove this line, it's a bit much I'd think...
flying without wings
kissing the non existant youth.

Just those couple things, either one of ';' or a ',' would go a long way...and he second half after that, I would make a new stanza. But that's just me. Oh and capitalisation of your lines...unless you want to make an emphasis on the -lack- of said event that is.

I -loved- this part

oh sweet sir may I interest you
my sweet oblivion, Im in orbit

Although, make the first line a question and it would be even better. But as Bubbles has said, your choice ^_^

~Chibi