Eraser Shavings

Don't even bother..

Maggots fed the hollows in my heart,
writhing to the strumming acoustics
that resonate from your melody. Bereft
of those late nights, those drunk second-rate
nights, I grapple for the darkness within.
I feel tears slopped up by the parasites,
they seep and surge and every feeling is purged
as they sink through layers of my skin.

Misery mudpie smears my lips. Gutting myself,
I make my meal on tape worms and sick
wishes to get out of this place. Lessons learned,
scars don't erase.

I liked this. They rhythm was unusual but smooth and fast moving, and each line seemed well-balanced. The imagery was awesome (in a revolting kind of way, LOL) and maintained without having to twist the wording or the meaning of the poem. Kudos. I do think that the rhythm comes apart a bit in a couple of lines though:

Bereft
of those late nights, those drunk (I keep wanting to say "drunken" here. Do you think this will work?) second-rate
nights, I grapple for the darkness within.
I feel tears slopped up by the parasites,
they seep and [s]they[/s] (I think this should be removed and "purged" brought up to this line, otherwise its too disjointed IMHO) surge and every feeling is
purged as they sink through my layers of skin.

Not sure about "my layers of skin" either --- I would personally prefer it to read "through the layers of my skin" because it's more natural and the way it is now I had to do a double-take before I understood the syntax. Perhaps a bit of tweaking? Otherwise though, well-expressed and generally awesome

Cheers,
~bubbles

There are certain parts of this poem that I really do enjoy. For example, "scars don't erase", only 3 words but they hold a lot of meaning. The poem was rather depressing, and the first thing that came into my head after reading it was "Down, down, down."

However, after saying that, the rhythm flowed well, and it was one of the few poems that made me stop and think.

It didnt seem deep enough. You could have made it all ironic by making the maggots and parasites move elegantly etc... But you didnt. It was rather simple and depressing as Izzy said.

It was ok.

Basically, I second everything bubbles said. I do like the imagery; you do a great job at describing the feelings, but I also need something a little more concrete to hold on to. These are some very abstract ideas.

I really did enjoy the rhythm, especially "Bereft/ of those late nights, those drunk second-rate/ nights, I grapple for the darkness within."

Was it intended to rhyme? Within-skin and place-erase? If so, I like it, the first part, the one about maggots, doesn't seem to rhyme with anything, like it's some long lead-up to the within rhyme. If not, I like it anyway, but I have the feeling that unintentional rhyme won't happen twice in one poem.


Colleen

I love it, it's so dark and raw the energy is amazing