Iv deleted this text coz like bubble wrapped said...not good to post your name, and also it WAS a school assignment, my stuff isnt that good but i am only just 12!
Last edited by xlilxzox on Thu Dec 07, 2006 6:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I do want to point out to you that if that is your real name then it's inadvisable to post it online like that. Otherwise, I'm afraid there really isnt much going for this poem. It's great for a school assignment or something, only - no offense - I'm not really interested in reading a poem that tells me about you. Shows me, yes, gives me something to interact with and everything...but this is really just..um. Boring. Sorry. You are making no attempt to engage your reader. You need to try to convince me I understand you, can care about your likes and dislikes. Perhaps you could use a few more images and metaphors to explain and deepen this portrait of you? Oh, and *why* are you calling your dad a fool?? See my comments re: your last post. Most of what I said there goes for this one too.
Yeah. Well, bubbles said almost all of it. This really-no offence-of no intrest to the reader. If this is what you need to write to introduce yourself in YWS, then it's fine but... your poetry has gotta be more, well, entertaining. Anyway, although you kind of lost me at "...people know all my hopes...", but I'm still gonna critique ya.
Even School is good, until you get dets,
No. Sence. At. All. That is kind of a pathetic atempt to ryhme. Also, debts is spelled "debts".
Yeah. This is what you do. Yo do select all, delete, and start typing again. I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh, but this poem just got under my skin. Yo don't need to ryhm to have a poem. The ryhming you did in this poem was kind of insane! When you rhyme, you completely demolish any point you were trying to make. Either don't ryhme, or get a ryhming dictionslarh
If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a wisher, a lier, a magic bean buyer. If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, For we have some flax-golden tales to spin Come In! Come In!~Shel Silverstein
This was okay. Kind of a fun read, I guess... as a lighthearted poem,this is fine, but good poetry needs meaning and imagery and metaphors and all that good stuff, which this lacked. I'm not trying to be unneccasarily harsh, just honest.
Also, you might want to run spellcheck on this, I noticed several typos/spelling mistakes.
Welcome to YWS, and keep writing! ^_^
"I myself am composed entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."- Augusten Burroughs
"Iv deleted this text coz like bubble wrapped said...not good to post your name, and also it WAS a school assignment, my stuff isnt that good but i am only just 12!"
*cringes* ok, i might ditch capitals most of the time, but as a general rule i try to keep my posts in english.
just some advice: if you do ever put your real name on something online (which obviously you shouldn't) don't go back and confirm it's your real name. and don't write 'coz'. it reminds me of the hooches and makes me want to throw up.
"Nothing I could write would be as shocking and offensive as censorship itself." -Deb Caletti
I've edited lizard's post so your name (and poem!) is hidden. So now everybody should be happy!
And school stuff, as a rule, generally sucks. It's just a fact of life.
Since the poem is deleted then I'm going to lock this. ^_^;;
[locked | Snoink]
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
