Before I Rip your Clothes off

You come to me in search of passion.
I run through slideshow clips, flashing
screaming rain, bleeding ballerinas and
opera-war on the backs of your retinas.
Blinking them away, these dashing
memories glaze your skin pallid and
inside, your thrashing at the bit to be
with me, to start latching to my destiny but I -
I stick my nose deep in folds of fabric
and begin to weep.

Since when did regularity seep into
the ticks of my watch, when did I take to
keeping secrets and schedule? On the love notes,
you scrawl your epithet in blue-black pen,
"monochrome-men" and you summaries my
infamous tongue settings into lackluster dictums
as such : "I love you" and "Gorgeous in aptitude".

Law books and pornography line the walls of
my atrium heart, casting shadows on love so
damp and distraught. I had great expectations for
late-night speculations, where we would discuss
Socrates and bloody knees,
but I discover that you only will exist to please,
and passion's in the underlying pain.

Hm. Not up to your usual standards, xantham gum. It seems rather...predictable. You might want to vary things a bit IMHO!

You come to me in search of passion.
I run through slideshow clips, flashing
screaming rain, bleeding ballerinas and
opera-war on the backs of your retinas.

OK, two things. "bleeding ballerinas" is kind of...blah. I think I've read so much about bleeding this and bloody that that blood has just totally lost its shock value. So - something different maybe? And secondly - retinas. Is there a more irritating word in the english language? Maybe I'm just being picky but it sounds to me like you're using retinas instead of eyes just because it sounds (forgive me) poncier. And it spoils the entire stanza for me. LOL.

Blinking them away, these dashing
memories glaze your skin pallid and
inside, your thrashing at the bit to be
with me, to start latching to my destiny but I -
I stick my nose deep in folds of fabric
and begin to weep.

"Thrashing at the bit"? Um. Sorry but thrashing...? Unless you're going for harshness and a kind of hooked-fish image here, "champing" might be a better word.

Since when did regularity seep into
the ticks of my watch, when did I take to
keeping secrets and schedule? On the love notes,
you scrawl your epithet in blue-black pen,
"monochrome-men" and you summaries my
infamous tongue settings into lackluster dictums
as such : "I love you" and "Gorgeous in aptitude".

Mmm. I like your rhythm in this stanza but it lacks interest for me; you have some fantastic imagery only none of it means anything to an outsider. In other words, I dont really get it. I feel that with a lot of your poems actually - that they're more of an inside joke kind of thing. But hey - ultimately we all write for ourselves eh?

Law books and pornography line the walls of
my atrium heart, casting shadows on love so
damp and distraught. I had great expectations for
late-night speculations, where we would discuss
Socrates and bloody knees,
but I discover that you only will exist to please,
and passion's in the underlying pain.

This stanza is great. It just doesnt seem to fit. I mean, the topic fits, but your rhythm has changed - it's a lot more upbeat - and there are some sly almost-rhymes in there which make it seem different in tone. Not sure if this is deliberate? But anyway. The only line I really dislike is the one about Socrates; the rhyme seems too close and it doesnt match the rest of the verse. Otherwise, I think this is my favourite stanza.

Overall, the poem didnt really do much for me. But I'm feeling grouchy today so maybe it's my own problem LOL. Will look forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers,
~bubbles

The First Stanza: I don't really feel that this starts off the poem with a bang. Though the images are, of course, fascinating, they're not really enough to make me want to read more. The "thrashing at the bit" line also annoys me. It seems to be at odds with the more "cultured" images of a couple lines before (ballerinas, opera) and then it's just like...horses? *you're thrashing

The Second Stanza: Fabulous rhythmn here. It's the perfect balance between practically nothing in the first stanza and almost too-tight rhyming in the last. Would it be possible to maintain this thoughout the whole poem? *summarize

The Third Stanza: See pretty much everything bubbles said.