Pirates: Chapter One.

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Pirates:
Chapter One.


I rounded the next corner, my feet making such a loud sound as I ran, and kept on running, desperate to get away. I hated how it was, how I was never listened to, and I just had to get away from everything, my father most of all. He had been awul again, brushing me off when all I wanted was to talk to him. I knew he had responsibilities - that came with having such an important job - but it still did not feel right. I slowed a little, and stopped, leaning against the wall and the marble pillar on one side of me. Clutching at the vines that spiralled around the pillar with one hand, I wiped away my tears with the other, making my sleeve wet. I didn’t care about that though; I was too hurt and confused to care about a little dirt.

Glancing around, I was glad to see that no one was around, though perhaps a little surprised. Usually, my father had guards positioned in the garden, in case of thieves. I moved before anyone could appear and see that I was crying, hoping against hope that I would not run into anyone on the way. Crossing the main courtyard was a task in itself; any one of those statues could be a man stood still and silent, and that was often the way with guards. I tried to walk at a normal speed, and to resist the urge to run, though I wanted nothing more than to be away from this place, away from the statues, and the guards, and my father. Him most of all.

Finally, I reached the door I was looking for, a thick oak one, set at one end of the courtyard. For once, it was unlocked, and I supposed my father had forgotten to lock it the last time he had visited. I hesitated for a moment. What if he was in there now? It could hardly be somewhere to hide if he was in there as well. I knew he was upstairs though, dealing with someone important in his office. Someone important enough to take precedance over me. Sure he would not be in the display room at this hour, and such a short time after rejecting me, I pulled the door open, stepping into the cover of darkness. Fumbling for a light, I found a candle in the alcove next to the door, and some matches nearby. We had lights, of course - Father insisted that we pay for them - but often using the electricity in one place would turn it off somewhere else, and my father had insisted that we be careful with how much we used. I had received a good telling off after I ended up causing his computer to crash while he was in the middle of composing an important document. I was not quite sure how it was my fault though... surely, if he had written it by hand, then there was no way that he could lose his work so easily. He had not seen reason though, and I had avoided him for days.

Lighting the candle only took seconds, and the flame flickered and danced in the most beautiful way, lighting up the part of the room that I was in. Looking at the artifacts that my father had collected over the years almost always made me feel better; it was the most beautiful retreat, and away from everyone else. It was only made better when there was a full moon outside, and the whole room was bathed in a silver light that showed everything off so beautifully.

I stepped in further, and looked for my favourite object, a tall grandfather clock that had been in the family for centuries, though I did not know how old it really was. I did not know my history well enough to recall which era it was from, which country it was found in, or which king or queen was on the throne at the time. More than not knowing, I simply did not care. All I cared about was its simple beauty, the way that the wood was so smooth and shiny, even after all of this time, and the patterns that were carved into it. Mostly, it was smooth, but as I ran my hands over it, I could find grooves and pieces that jutted out in spirals and curves. The pendulum inside did not work anymore, so it did not tell the time. It had been fifteen minutes past two when it stopped working, according to the hands on the clock face, though of course, anyone could change those if they so wished.

Next to the old grandfather clock, was something more recent, perhaps only a few hundred years old. A jukebox, I thought it was called, and this one worked using electricity. We had used it once, tested it to see what it would do, and the oddest sound came from the machine, some sort of music. That was what I thought it was at least, but it was hard to tell. Music like that was certainly not played in our house in these times. I had barely heard that much music though, except for when my father played on the piano sometimes to calm his nerves. He had tried to teach me, but I had never been that interested, and I could never quite get the hang of using two hands at once. There was my father again; no matter how hard I tried, he always seemed to return to my thoughts. I shook him away again, and started walking through the collection again.

Suddenly, I heard a noise, voices coming from the next room. I tensed, wondering who could be down here at this time. I had been sure my father would not come down here, and it surely would not be any of the servants. I thought perhaps one of the guards... but what reason would they have? Shivering in the dark, I blew out the candle flame, and put both the candle and its holder on one side, next to an old compass and a keyboard of some sort. The voices were low, hushed, as though the people in the next room did not want to be heard. I inched closer to the doorway, pressed against the wall, and tried to hear what they were saying.

“It’s got to be here somewhere...” a voice whispered, “Had any luck over there?”

“Nah, he must have it well hidden somewhere. I can’t believe all of this junk isn’t cagegorised better though.”

“It’s not junk,” the first voice said, “Do you know how long it took to-”

The voices grew quieter, so that I could no longer make out what they said then disappeared altogether. I supposed they had gone into the next room, but just in case, I kept low as I went through the doorway, hoping they wouldn’t see me. I had to find out who these people were; I could think of no one brave enough to come into my father’s grounds uninvited, but if they were trespassing, then they must be here to steal something of his. I held my skirts so that they did not brush the floor quite so loudly, and knees bent slightly, I crept towards the voices. Hidden behind one of the many desks in the room, I heard a noise suddenly, right beside me. Through the table legs, I could see a pair of trousers tucked into dark leather boots. I stiffened, dared not breathe, lest I was heard. I did not know quite how I had been able to get so close to the man without hearing him first, but I thought perhaps I should just be grateful that he had not heard me either.

“I’ve found it!” a voice hissed, from the other side of the room, and the boots in front of me moved, walking towards the voice. Finally, I felt like I could breathe again, but I knew I had to get closer, desperate to find out what it was that they wanted so badly from Father’s collection.

“The cabinet’s locked up tight... any chance you can pick the lock?”

There was a faint scraping sound, and I guessed that it was them trying to get the lock open, though I hadn’t a clue what they were using. I inched closer, trying to make my way there by crawling under the table, though it was certainly a struggle, as I had to hold my skirts in such a way that enabled me to move without tripping over.

“Bloody thing won’t open,” one of the men muttered, then cursed loudly. “Seems to want to cut me open too.”

There was a moment of silence, so that when I heard the loud crash from where they were standing, I could not help but put both hands over my ears. I had yelled without thinking, startled by the noise, and I immediately regretted it. A different set of boots walked quickly towards me, a face soon appearing to go with the boots, peering under the table. I barely saw him before he grabbed at my arm and pulled me out from my hiding place. He looked strange to me, a red scarf wrapped around his head, his hair uncombed and sticking out at the sides.

“Who are you?” he asked, “and what are you doing here?”

I cowered as he glared at me, though of course, I knew that I was in the right. Then I realised; this was my house, my lands, and they were trespassing! Alright, so technically speaking, this all belonged to my father, but they weren’t to know that. I regained courage suddenly, and stood up straight, trying to look as menacing as I possibly could.

“What am I doing here?!” I said, “What are you doing here? This is breaking and entering, and-”

I broke off as I saw what he held in one hand, a dagger, long and ever so sharp. I remembered how much it hurt when I cut my hand using scissors once, and I hated to think of the damage that dagger could do. He saw me looking at it, and gestured with the thing, trying to frighten me, succeeding.

“Have you got a hold of it yet?” he yelled to the man behind him, “We have to get going.”

“Hang on... Just one more minute.”

“What’s taking you so long?!” The man’s hand was shaking now, though whether with anticipation or fear, I was not sure. I was scared of moving though, scared his shaking hand might accidently slice through my throat.

“It might be trapped,” the other man said, then there was a click and alarm bells started ringing, as shrill as anything I’d ever heard, more so. Immediately, I put my hands over my ears again, and I saw the man in front of me stiffen. “Oh, shit!” The man grabbed at the object inside and I realised what it was that they were after. My father’s most prized possession; no wonder it had been alarmed.

Somehow, I was able to hear my father’s guards as they entered, even above the noise of the alarm bells. I recognised one of them, though I wasn’t sure on his name. Suddenly, I realised why they wore those pistols at their waists, but before I could run over to them, I was grabbed by the man behind me, and pulled roughly towards him, the knife at my throat. All of the breath was knocked out of me, and I heard myself yell.

“What are you doing?” the other man hissed, loud enough to be heard over the alarm, but quiet enough that the guards could not hear.

My captor ignored him, and started shouting commands to the guards in front. “Get out of the way!” he yelled, “Let us go and no one gets hurt.” I supposed he was talking about me. After all, he could not easily hurt any of the guards.

The men at the door hesitated, muttering among themselves. I could feel the breath being squeezed out of my chest as the arm holding me tensed further. I choked, trying to draw in breath, and the man who had set off the alarm looked at me; if I did not know better, I would think him concerned. Both men were worried though, the one I could see a little too wide-eyed to look as though he did this all the time. If I was not being held captive with a knife close enough to feel cold on my skin, I might just have felt sorry for them; as it was though, I wanted nothing more than to survive.

The guards seemed to have come to a decision, and moved out of the way of the door, letting us past. I nearly fell more than once, trying to keep at the right speed, not too fast or I would walk into the knife, but not so slowly that the man walked into me. The two men kept close to one another as we walked past the guards and through the door, possibly so that neither of them could be taken hostage the way I had been.

“When are you going to let me go?” I hissed at my captor, as soon as we were out in the courtyard, “You’re safe now, aren’t you? The guards are in there.” I pointed, trying not to make my raised hand seem too threatening.

“No.” I felt, rather than saw, the man shake his head. “Jack?”

The other man answered him. “What is it?”

“You remember the way back to the boat?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Don’t go too far ahead. Just... just check there isn’t anyone over there at the moment. We don’t want our way blocked.”

The other man, Jack, disappeared, moving silently down the hill towards the coast. He clutched at his hat, as though frightened the wind might blow it off his head as he ran.

“I’m going to put my knife away now,” the unnamed man whispered into my ear, “but make any trouble and it comes right out again, understand?”

I nodded. If I was to be given any chance to escape at all, then this was it. There had to be a way to lull him into thinking that I was going to be obedient though, so that he wouldn’t expect me to do anything. I felt the cold steel leave my skin, and heard the sound of metal on metal as he sheathed it by his waist. The man pulled me further away from the building, and I could finally see what he was looking at; any light on this cold night reflected off tens of pairs of eyes from the archways that led to the courtyard we had just left. The guards were waiting for their chance.

“Dan!” a voice hissed, and I nearly collapsed from the shock of hearing another voice next to me. “Danil, are you there?”

“Get over here,” the man holding me said, “What is it?”

I recognised Jack as he came out of the bushes next to us. “There are guards right down near the boat. I don’t know if Stefan knows about them either. What should we do?”

There was a pause, Danil watching the eyes still, trying to stare them down, perhaps believing they would just go away.

“We take the girl.”

“What?!” I couldn’t help it. The words just escaped.

Jack seemed equally surprised. “Dan, we don’t take hostages. Not unless we have to.”

“Believe me, we have to.” He sighed. “Or do you want Stefan to get caught unawares again? It’s the only way.”

I shook, and struggled against Danil’s grasp. “Look! Can’t you... can’t you just let me go? It’ll be better for you in the long run. There’ll be a much shorter sentence, and-”

“Jack. Tie her wrists.”

The grip tightened as I struggled, and finally I gave up twisting. I turned to Jack, looking into his eyes. “You don’t have to tie me up. You don’t agree with it either, do you?”

“Sorry, lady. Orders are orders.” Jack took a rope from around his wrist - how had I not noticed that before? - and wrapped it securely around my wrists, so that I could not move either of them. I tried seperating them experimentally, but Jack had tied the rope too tight. I sighed, resigned to my fate, and whatever they had planned.

“Where are you taking me then?”

Jack looked at Danil, who looked at me then back at Jack again. “Never mind that now,” he said finally. “We’ve got to get going before any more of them appear.”

I decided not to tell them how many guards we had, and since they never asked, I hardly thought I could feel guilty over it. Either way, my father was the one they should have been worried about, not the guards. Danil took hold of the rope around my wrists and pulled at it, leading me through the bushes. After a few minutes of scrabbling and tripping over hidden rocks and branches on the ground, the trees cleared and the hard earth below opened out on to the stony beach that we owned. There was sand on the other side of the island, but this side, I had to put up with feeling the hard stones through my soft soled shoes, and for once I wished I wore something a little more sturdy.

Danil only hesitated a moment after seeing the men near to the boat, the three of them looking confused, wondering how it had got there. They evidently had not heard of the events uphill yet, or they would have been more alert. As it was, when Jack came into view, two pistols at the ready, neither of them knew what had hit them. Surprisingly, Jack didn’t shoot them. I had expected him to, but perhaps he did not like how they outnumbered the two of them, especially with Danil hanging on to me; he hardly would have been much use in a fight with only one arm free.

“Out of the way,” Jack commanded, gesturing with his arms, both guns pointing in the direction of the guards. “Get out of the way and she lives.”

Both of the guards looked at Jack, surprised at the command he had given, and then at me. I recognised one of them, and remembered how he was, though again, I didn’t remember his name. It was very strange, I thought, that I should have lived all my life in this place, and I still did not know all of the servants’ names. More than strange, it was almost sad. The man was fairly distinctive too, a scar on one cheek; it seemed he was not unfamiliar to fighting.

Danil put the knife as near to my cheek as he could without slicing me open, walking me past the guards and towards the boat. I shot a glance towards the guards, who seemed to be finding it a real effort just standing there. All of a sudden, I realised I was standing right next to the wooden boat, and a face appeared at the top, the owner pushing down a makeshift ladder. Danil looked at me, as though daring me to run, and cut my bonds.

“Get up,” he said, “Now.”

I did as he said. There seemed no point in arguing. Danil still had the knife on him, Jack had those pistols pointed at my father’s men, and God only knew what the man inside the boat could do. I grabbed hold of one of the wooden planks that had been tied together with rope to make the ladder, and pulled myself up so that my foot could balance on one of the lower planks. It was a tricky business in a skirt, and my arms were not the strongest in the world either, which didn’t help.

Danil started to climb up after me, and glancing over at Jack, I saw him slowly back away from the guards, the guns still pointed in their direction. It did not take long to reach the top, even while struggling with my skirts again. A man at the top helped to pull me over the side and on to the deck. He blinked at me.

“Who are you?” he asked. I tried staring him down, readying an answer in my head, when Danil called up to him.

“Get the boat ready to leave!” he yelled, “Don’t worry about Jack. Just get it done. Quickly.”

The man onboard rushed inside, via a door that I hadn’t noticed before. I was just about to say something when I heard a gunshot fire.

“Oh, shit!” Danil said.

I rushed over to the edge of the deck, and peered over the wooden railings to see the familiar looking guard doubled over, clutching at his hand. From the colour his shirt was turning as he clutched at his hand, I guessed there had been a lot of blood. He growled at Jack, who hesitated, his face pale, then turned and sprinted towards us. I almost fell as the boat started to move, but managed to grab at the railings and pull myself up. Glancing down, I could see that Jack had just made it, his boots skimming the top of the water as he hung on to the rope ladder with both hands. Danil reached over the side with one hand, ready to help the other man climb up.

Then realisation hit me. My hands weren’t tied, there was no knife at my throat, but I was still a captive. I half sank to the ground, afraid of watching the island fade away into the distance. I hadn’t realised the winds were so strong, but the sails above me caught every scrap of wind, throwing us further across the ocean. The guards were ants now, smaller than ants, and even my father’s house; the tower, the trees surrounding it, everything; it all started to get smaller and smaller and blurred through my tears.

“Come on,” a voice said behind me, “We’re going inside.”
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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A quick note:

I don't usually use swearing in stories, but I felt it was only put in where necessary. However, if anyone feels that there is excessive swearing at any point, please say.

Also, I barely ever use first person, so if it looks like it would be better written in third, feel free to say so.

Thanks for any comments in advance. :)

Kay
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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It's fantastic the way you start off with action. Your first sentence hooks the reader right off the bat, which is, of course, key.

Glancing around, I was glad to see that no one was around


The repetition of "around" here is a little, well, repetitive. ;)

I also really like how, though you don't use so much imagery it bogs the piece down, I can completely picture the setting in my head, or at least my own version of it. The bits of description you give are balanced really well with action, which makes the mood clear to the reader. Nice work!

had received a good telling off after I ended up causing his computer to crash while he was in the middle of composing an important document.


This is where it threw me, but just for a second. I thought, "Pirates? Computers? What...?" But then I remembered your note about futuristic. So no worries. :P

I was not quite sure how it was my fault though... surely, if he had written it by hand, then there was no way that he could lose his work so easily. He had not seen reason though, and I had avoided him for days.


This part made me grin inwardly, because although I know you probably didn't mean it this way, this reminded me of NaNoWriMo, and people losing their story. As you can see, my mind still hasn't left November...XD

I can’t believe all of this junk isn’t cagegorised better though.”


Typo. :)

I remembered how much it hurt when I cut my hand using scissors once, and I hated to think of the damage that dagger could do.


This passage makes her very human to me, as I would probably think something along those lines: people are out there getting their legs amputated and what not, and I cringe when I get a paper cut. :D

and I saw the man in front of me stiffen. “Oh, shit!”


This seemed awkward...for me, stiffening and swearing don't really go together. I think "stiffen" isn't a strong enough verb here...

if I did not know better, I would think him concerned. Both men were worried though, the one I could see a little too wide-eyed to look as though he did this all the time.


It's wonderful how you even allow the secondary characters to develop through the scene, not just the main characters. I like that. :D

I rushed over to the edge of the deck, and peered over the wooden railings to see the familiar looking guard doubled over, clutching at his hand. From the colour his shirt was turning as he clutched at his hand, I guessed there had been a lot of blood. He growled at Jack, who hesitated, his face pale, then turned and sprinted towards us. I almost fell as the boat started to move, but managed to grab at the railings and pull myself up. Glancing down, I could see that Jack had just made it, his boots skimming the top of the water as he hung on to the rope ladder with both hands. Danil reached over the side with one hand, ready to help the other man climb up.


This paragraph is a little hard to understand--I had to read it twice.

Overall, this was a really enjoyable read. The pacing was excellent. I look forward to reading more! :D
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Thanks, Cass, so much for the comments. :)

Cassandra wrote:
I was not quite sure how it was my fault though... surely, if he had written it by hand, then there was no way that he could lose his work so easily. He had not seen reason though, and I had avoided him for days.


This part made me grin inwardly, because although I know you probably didn't mean it this way, this reminded me of NaNoWriMo, and people losing their story. As you can see, my mind still hasn't left November...XD


Hehe, I don't think I've quite left November either. ;) Possibly the reason why I haven't stopped with the whole writing thing. I'm refusing to rest.

Cassandra wrote:
I rushed over to the edge of the deck, and peered over the wooden railings to see the familiar looking guard doubled over, clutching at his hand. From the colour his shirt was turning as he clutched at his hand, I guessed there had been a lot of blood. He growled at Jack, who hesitated, his face pale, then turned and sprinted towards us. I almost fell as the boat started to move, but managed to grab at the railings and pull myself up. Glancing down, I could see that Jack had just made it, his boots skimming the top of the water as he hung on to the rope ladder with both hands. Danil reached over the side with one hand, ready to help the other man climb up.



This paragraph is a little hard to understand--I had to read it twice.


I think I may have rushed that last part a little. I'll have to work on that so that it's more legible. ;)

Think it'd be better if I put it in present tense? I'm still a little unsure on the tense, and POV issues.
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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I know what you mean about POV and tense--I can never really decide. So far I'm liking it the way you have it, but you may decide to change it later. I wrote some fifty pages of my WIP, then decided to put it in present tense. *shrug* We'll see, I guess. Right? :D

Hehe, I don't think I've quite left November either. Possibly the reason why I haven't stopped with the whole writing thing. I'm refusing to rest.


I wish I had that mindset. On the contrary, I've completely stopped productivity all together! XD
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
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Lol! Well, it seems I can keep to something once I get into a routine, and I didn't sprint with the NaNo; most days I did less than 2k. Did over 4k on the 27th though, just 'cause I was so desperate to finish! ;)

I'm experimenting a lot with tenses at the moment, to see which I like best.
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Long, gorgeous sentences. Had a nice sense of time passed.

There are a few things I could point out as far as paragraphs go:

I rounded the next corner, my feet making such a loud sound as I ran, and kept on running, desperate to get away. I hated how it was, how I was never listened to, and I just had to get away from everything, my father most of all. He had been awul again, brushing me off when all I wanted was to talk to him. I knew he had responsibilities - that came with having such an important job - but it still did not feel right. I slowed a little, and stopped, leaning against the wall and the marble pillar on one side of me. Clutching at the vines that spiralled around the pillar with one hand, I wiped away my tears with the other, making my sleeve wet. I didn’t care about that though; I was too hurt and confused to care about a little dirt.


What I've highlighted in blue could be a new paragraph but I'm not sure if it has to be. I figure since you aren't in the character's thought process anymore and are now in her physical movements, you should make this a new paragraph.

The guards seemed to have come to a decision, and moved out of the way of the door, letting us past.


The above makes your guards look...well...lousy. As guards, their job is to not allow anyone in and if someone does manage to sneak past them, they certainly shouldn't be letting them out, should they? Is there another way to get your pirates out?

My biggest problem with this piece is there was such confusion as to when this is all taking place. You've got computers and electricity and then you've got pirates bearing daggers and a flimsy security system. There should definitely be some clarification about what kind of world this is. Try to resolve on what era this is all taking place in.

She mentions this familiar guard character twice and both times she is strangely calm as she is being held captive. While this seems to be dire for the plot, I didn't find it fitting that she would be so calm about it or even notice the man at all with a dagger held at her. Perhaps the man could say something?

What I liked about this piece is it's fast-paced and action-packed without feeling rushed. I would be interested in reading more of this, especially if the time and world were more clearly defined.

Hope this helps! PM me if you need further assistance and/or critique.


As always,

POKE




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I recognised one of them, and remembered how he was, though again, I didn’t remember his name.


‘how’ = who?

*

I love the idea of an alternate world. You’ve got elements of both past and present (future?) like technology and the style was little reading a historical novel.

I wasn’t sure if the narrator was male or female until I read she picked up her skirt. You could try hinting in the beginning of the chapter because I assumed she was a boy.

You were a little repetitive sometimes, saying something twice and a few of your words were incorrectly spelled.

The girl (wait, she has no name yet or maybe I’ve missed it?) was a little mixed. She was brave enough to go into the room but when she was taken captive she was more of a damsel-in-distress type, you could have had her thinking ahead to what she could do to escape or even how she could probably use Jack to help her. So, you would have to work a bit on what emotions she goes through in that situation, she was a little unrealistic once she got caught.

All in all, I like the piece and hope you continue. I’m not too sure whether it would work better in first or third person. Have you tried writing this in third? Why not post and see what others think?

-- Myth
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Thanks Rose and Myth for the comments. :) Both really helpful.

The guards seemed to have come to a decision, and moved out of the way of the door, letting us past.



The above makes your guards look...well...lousy. As guards, their job is to not allow anyone in and if someone does manage to sneak past them, they certainly shouldn't be letting them out, should they? Is there another way to get your pirates out?


Well, the guards being there is the reason they have to use her as a hostage, so I'm not sure there is... I'll see if I can think of anything though, or any way that can make the guards look better.

My biggest problem with this piece is there was such confusion as to when this is all taking place. You've got computers and electricity and then you've got pirates bearing daggers and a flimsy security system. There should definitely be some clarification about what kind of world this is. Try to resolve on what era this is all taking place in.


It's meant to be in the future, but electricity is mostly gone, sea levels risen etc. so it's quite different from how a lot of people would imagine the future.

She mentions this familiar guard character twice and both times she is strangely calm as she is being held captive. While this seems to be dire for the plot, I didn't find it fitting that she would be so calm about it or even notice the man at all with a dagger held at her. Perhaps the man could say something?


T'is a good idea. I'm possibly taking this part out now, 'cause of how it affected chapter two (I didn't originally plan for that to be in it) but I'll keep in mind what you said.

I wasn’t sure if the narrator was male or female until I read she picked up her skirt. You could try hinting in the beginning of the chapter because I assumed she was a boy.


I never thought of that. Problem is, I'm not too sure how to hint at it when it's in first person... perhaps a piece of dialogue she remembers? But then I don't want her name to appear until chapter two... Any ideas?

The girl (wait, she has no name yet or maybe I’ve missed it?) was a little mixed. She was brave enough to go into the room but when she was taken captive she was more of a damsel-in-distress type, you could have had her thinking ahead to what she could do to escape or even how she could probably use Jack to help her. So, you would have to work a bit on what emotions she goes through in that situation, she was a little unrealistic once she got caught.


Thanks, I didn't realise she was like that, so I'll have to work on how she reacts.

All in all, I like the piece and hope you continue. I’m not too sure whether it would work better in first or third person. Have you tried writing this in third? Why not post and see what others think?


Well, I haven't tried writing it in third, but I might have a go and see how it turns out. I partly chose first because otherwise I tend to switch between POVs which gets annoying.


Am in the process of editing chapter one at the moment, and hopefully chapter two won't take too long to finish. I've taken a while on that 'cause I had to change something in it.

Again, thanks everyone for the comments. :)

Kay
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Chapter One reposted [partly due to Dreamy so only semi-edited - hopefully I haven't missed anything out... Most notable difference for anyone who's already read it is at the end.]


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Pirates:
Chapter One



I rounded the next corner, my feet making such a loud sound as I ran, and kept on running, desperate to get away. I hated how it was, how I was never listened to, and I just had to get away from everything, my father most of all. He had been awul again, brushing me off when all I wanted was to talk to him. I knew he had responsibilities - that came with having such an important job - but it still did not feel right. I slowed a little, and stopped, leaning against the wall and the marble pillar on one side of me. Clutching at the vines that spiralled around the pillar with one hand, I wiped away my tears with the other, making my sleeve wet. I didn't care about that though; I was too hurt and confused to care about a little dirt.

Glancing around, I was glad to see that no one was around, though perhaps a little surprised. Usually, my father had guards positioned in the garden, in case of thieves. I moved before anyone could appear and see that I was crying, hoping against hope that I would not run into anyone on the way. Crossing the main courtyard was a task in itself; any one of those statues could be a man stood still and silent, and that was often the way with guards. I tried to walk at a normal speed, and to resist the urge to run, though I wanted nothing more than to be away from this place, away from the statues, and the guards, and my father. Him most of all.

Finally, I reached the door I was looking for, a thick oak one, set at one end of the courtyard. For once, it was unlocked, and I supposed my father had forgotten to lock it the last time he had visited. I hesitated for a moment. What if he was in there now? It could hardly be somewhere to hide if he was in there as well. I knew he was upstairs though, dealing with someone important in his office. Someone important enough to take precedance over me. Sure he would not be in the display room at this hour, and such a short time after rejecting me, I pulled the door open, stepping into the cover of darkness. Fumbling for a light, I found a candle in the alcove next to the door, and some matches nearby. We had lights, of course - Father insisted that we pay for them - but often using the electricity in one place would turn it off somewhere else, and my father had insisted that we be careful with how much we used. I had received a good telling off after I ended up causing his computer to crash while he was in the middle of composing an important document. I was not quite sure how it was my fault though... surely, if he had written it by hand, then there was no way that he could lose his work so easily. He had not seen reason though, and I had avoided him for days.

Lighting the candle only took seconds, and the flame flickered and danced in the most beautiful way, lighting up the part of the room that I was in. Looking at the artifacts that my father had collected over the years almost always made me feel better; it was the most beautiful retreat, and away from everyone else. It was only made better when there was a full moon outside, and the whole room was bathed in a silver light that showed everything off so beautifully.

I stepped in further, and looked for my favourite object, a tall grandfather clock that had been in the family for centuries, though I did not know how old it really was. I did not know my history well enough to recall which era it was from, which country it was found in, or which king or queen was on the throne at the time. More than not knowing, I simply did not care. All I cared about was its simple beauty, the way that the wood was so smooth and shiny, even after all of this time, and the patterns that were carved into it. Mostly, it was smooth, but as I ran my hands over it, I could find grooves and pieces that jutted out in spirals and curves. The pendulum inside did not work anymore, so it did not tell the time. It had been fifteen minutes past two when it stopped working, according to the hands on the clock face, though of course, anyone could change those if they so wished.

Next to the old grandfather clock, was something more recent, perhaps only a few hundred years old. A jukebox, I thought it was called, and this one worked using electricity. We had used it once, tested it to see what it would do, and the oddest sound came from the machine, some sort of music. That was what I thought it was at least, but it was hard to tell. Music like that was certainly not played in our house in these times. I had barely heard that much music though, except for when my father played on the piano sometimes to calm his nerves. He had tried to teach me, but I had never been that interested, and I could never quite get the hang of using two hands at once. There was my father again; no matter how hard I tried, he always seemed to return to my thoughts. I shook him away again, and started walking through the collection again.

Suddenly, I heard a noise, voices coming from the next room. I tensed, wondering who could be down here at this time. I had been sure my father would not come down here, and it surely would not be any of the servants. I thought perhaps one of the guards... but what reason would they have? Shivering in the dark, I blew out the candle flame, and put both the candle and its holder on one side, next to an old compass and a keyboard of some sort. The voices were low, hushed, as though the people in the next room did not want to be heard. I inched closer to the doorway, pressed against the wall, and tried to hear what they were saying.

"It's got to be here somewhere..." a voice whispered, "Had any luck over there?"

"Nah, he must have it well hidden somewhere. I can't believe all of this junk isn't cagegorised better though."

"It's not junk," the first voice said, "Do you know how long it took to-"

The voices grew quieter, so that I could no longer make out what they said then disappeared altogether. I supposed they had gone into the next room, but just in case, I kept low as I went through the doorway, hoping they wouldn't see me. I had to find out who these people were; I could think of no one brave enough to come into my father's grounds uninvited, but if they were trespassing, then they must be here to steal something of his. I held my skirts so that they did not brush the floor quite so loudly, and knees bent slightly, I crept towards the voices. Hidden behind one of the many desks in the room, I heard a noise suddenly, right beside me. Through the table legs, I could see a pair of trousers tucked into dark leather boots. I stiffened, dared not breathe, lest I was heard. I did not know quite how I had been able to get so close to the man without hearing him first, but I thought perhaps I should just be grateful that he had not heard me either.

"I've found it!" a voice hissed, from the other side of the room, and the boots in front of me moved, walking towards the voice. Finally, I felt like I could breathe again, but I knew I had to get closer, desperate to find out what it was that they wanted so badly from Father's collection.

"The cabinet's locked up tight... any chance you can pick the lock?"

There was a faint scraping sound, and I guessed that it was them trying to get the lock open, though I hadn't a clue what they were using. I inched closer, trying to make my way there by crawling under the table, though it was certainly a struggle, as I had to hold my skirts in such a way that enabled me to move without tripping over.

"Bloody thing won't open," one of the men muttered, then cursed loudly. "Seems to want to cut me open too."

There was a moment of silence, so that when I heard the loud crash from where they were standing, I could not help but put both hands over my ears. I had yelled without thinking, startled by the noise, and I immediately regretted it. A different set of boots walked quickly towards me, a face soon appearing to go with the boots, peering under the table. I barely saw him before he grabbed at my arm and pulled me out from my hiding place. He looked strange to me, a red scarf wrapped around his head, his hair uncombed and sticking out at the sides.

"Who are you?" he asked, "and what are you doing here?"

I cowered as he glared at me, though of course, I knew that I was in the right. Then I realised; this was my house, my lands, and they were trespassing! Alright, so technically speaking, this all belonged to my father, but they weren't to know that. I regained courage suddenly, and stood up straight, trying to look as menacing as I possibly could.

"What am I doing here?!" I said, taking a step forward, "What are you doing here? This is breaking and entering, and-"

I broke off as I saw what he held in one hand, a dagger, long and ever so sharp. I remembered how much it hurt when I cut my hand using scissors once, and I hated to think of the damage that dagger could do. He saw me looking at it, and gestured with the thing, trying to frighten me, succeeding.

"Have you got a hold of it yet?" he yelled to the man behind him, "We have to get going."

"Hang on... Just one more minute."

"What's taking you so long?!" The man's hand was shaking now, though whether with anticipation or fear, I was not sure. I was scared of moving though, scared his shaking hand might accidently slice through my throat. I licked my lips nervously, wary of the two men. Time seemed to be important to them, but if I could just stall them for long enough... perhaps the guards would appear. The men would go to jail - I had already decided they were criminals by this point; they had to be or they wouldn't be sneaking about like that - and with any luck, the man would forget about the knife completely.

"Just give me a minute," the other man muttered, half to himself. I glanced over and saw he was doing something with the wires hanging out of a box on the wall next to the display cabinet. For a minute I wondered what he was doing, then I realised, just before a faint click was heard. Silence for a second, neither man daring to breathe, then the shrill sound of the alarm bells that my father had set up a few months ago. I put my hands to my ears, but nothing could block it out, the sound finding a way through my fingers. I saw the man in front of me stiffen, and the other grab at the object inside.

I never heard my father's guards as they entered, but suddenly there they were; three of them standing just inside the doorway leading to the courtyard. Suddenly, I realised why they wore those pistols at their waists and I shivered. I started to move, but before I could run over to them, I was grabbed by the man behind me, and pulled roughly towards him, the knife at my throat. All of the breath was knocked out of me, and to my embarrassment, I heard myself yell.

"What are you doing?" the other man hissed, loud enough to be heard over the alarm, but quiet enough that I was sure the guards could not hear.

My captor ignored him, and started shouting commands to the guards in front. "Get out of the way!" he yelled, "Let us go and no one gets hurt." I supposed he was talking about me. After all, he could not easily hurt any of the guards.

The men at the door hesitated, muttering among themselves. I could feel the breath being squeezed out of my chest as the arm holding me tensed further. I choked, trying to draw in breath, and the man who had set off the alarm looked at me; if I did not know better, I would think him concerned. Both men were worried though, the one I could see a little too wide-eyed to look as though he did this all the time. If I was not being held captive with a knife close enough to feel cold on my skin, I might just have felt sorry for them; as it was though, I wanted nothing more than to survive.

The guards seemed to have come to a decision, and moved out of the way of the door, letting us past. I nearly fell more than once, trying to keep at the right speed, not too fast or I would walk into the knife, but not so slowly that the man walked into me. The two men kept close to one another as we walked past the guards and through the door, possibly so that neither of them could be taken hostage the way I had been.

"When are you going to let me go?" I hissed at my captor, as soon as we were out in the courtyard, "You're safe now, aren't you? The guards are in there." I pointed, trying not to make my raised hand seem too threatening.

"No." I felt, rather than saw, the man shake his head. "Jack?"

The other man answered him. "What is it?"

"You remember the way back to the boat?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Don't go too far ahead. Just... just check there isn't anyone over there at the moment. We don't want our way blocked."

The other man, Jack, disappeared, moving silently down the hill towards the coast. He clutched at his hat, as though frightened the wind might blow it off his head as he ran.

"I'm going to put my knife away now," the unnamed man whispered into my ear, "but make any trouble and it comes right out again, understand?"

I nodded. If I was to be given any chance to escape at all, then this was it. There had to be a way to lull him into thinking that I was going to be obedient though, so that he wouldn't expect me to do anything. I felt the cold steel leave my skin, and heard the sound of metal on metal as he sheathed it by his waist. The man pulled me further away from the building, and I could finally see what he was looking at; any light on this cold night reflected off tens of pairs of eyes from the archways that led to the courtyard we had just left. The guards were waiting for their chance.

"Dan!" a voice hissed, and I nearly collapsed from the shock of hearing another voice next to me. "Danil, are you there?"

"Get over here," the man holding me said, "What is it?"

I recognised Jack as he came out of the bushes next to us. "There are guards right down near the boat. I don't know if Stefan knows about them either. What should we do?"

There was a pause, Danil watching the eyes still, trying to stare them down, perhaps believing they would just go away.

"We take the girl."

"What?!" I couldn't help it. The words just escaped.

Jack seemed equally surprised. "Dan, we don't take hostages. Not unless we have to."

"Believe me, we have to." He sighed. "Or do you want Stefan to get caught unawares again? It's the only way."

I shook, and struggled against Danil's grasp. "Look! Can't you... can't you just let me go? It'll be better for you in the long run. There'll be a much shorter sentence, and-"

"Jack. Tie her wrists."

The grip tightened as I struggled, and finally I gave up twisting. I turned to Jack, looking into his eyes. "You don't have to tie me up. You don't agree with it either, do you?"

"Sorry, lady. Orders are orders." Jack took a rope from around his wrist - how had I not noticed that before? - and wrapped it securely around my wrists, so that I could not move either of them. I tried seperating them experimentally, but Jack had tied the rope too tight. I sighed, resigned to my fate, and whatever they had planned.

"Where are you taking me then?"

Jack looked at Danil, who looked at me then back at Jack again. "Never mind that now," he said finally. "We've got to get going before any more of them appear."

I decided not to tell them how many guards we had, and since they never asked, I hardly thought I could feel guilty over it. Either way, my father was the one they should have been worried about, not the guards. Danil took hold of the rope around my wrists and pulled at it, leading me through the bushes. After a few minutes of scrabbling and tripping over hidden rocks and branches on the ground, the trees cleared and the hard earth below opened out on to the stony beach that we owned. There was sand on the other side of the island, but this side, I had to put up with feeling the hard stones through my soft soled shoes, and for once I wished I wore something a little more sturdy.

Danil only hesitated a moment after seeing the men near to the boat, the three of them looking confused, wondering how it had got there. They evidently had not heard of the events uphill yet, or they would have been more alert. As it was, when Jack came into view, two pistols at the ready, neither of them knew what had hit them. Surprisingly, Jack didn't shoot them. I had expected him to, but perhaps he did not like how they outnumbered the two of them, especially with Danil hanging on to me; he hardly would have been much use in a fight with only one arm free.

"Out of the way," Jack commanded, gesturing with his arms, both guns pointing in the direction of the guards. "Get out of the way and she lives."

Both of the guards looked at Jack, surprised at the command he had given, and then at me. I recognised one of them, and remembered a little of him, though again, I did not remember his name. It was very strange, I thought, that I should have lived all my life in this place, and I still did not know all of the servants' names. More than strange, it was almost sad. The man was fairly distinctive too, a scar on one cheek; it seemed he was not unfamiliar to fighting.

Danil put the knife as near to my cheek as he could without slicing me open, walking me past the guards and towards the boat. I shot a glance towards the guards, who seemed to be finding it a real effort just standing there. All of a sudden, I realised I was standing right next to the wooden boat, and a face appeared at the top, the owner pushing down a makeshift ladder. Danil looked at me, as though daring me to run, and cut my bonds.

"Get up," he said, "Now."

I did as he said. There seemed no point in arguing. Danil still had the knife on him, Jack had those pistols pointed at my father's men, and God only knew what the man inside the boat could do. I grabbed hold of one of the wooden planks that had been tied together with rope to make the ladder, and pulled myself up so that my foot could balance on one of the lower planks. It was a tricky business in a skirt, and my arms were not the strongest in the world either, which didn't help.

Danil started to climb up after me, and glancing over at Jack, I saw him slowly back away from the guards, the guns still pointed in their direction. It did not take long to reach the top, even while struggling with my skirts again. A man at the top helped to pull me over the side and on to the deck. He blinked at me, but said nothing; even if he had wanted to, he seemed to realise now wasn't a good time, so after giving me an odd look, he turned his attention to Danil.

"Get the boat ready to leave!" Danil called to him, "Don't worry about Jack. Just get it done. Quickly."

The man onboard nodded, and rushed inside, via a door that I hadn't noticed before, which I guessed led down into the ship. Danil appeared properly now, leaping over the railings, and casting a worried glance down at Jack, he made sure he was close enough that I couldn't run. Not that there was anywhere to run, but he obviously wasn't taking any chances.

I sighed as I spotted the knife in his hand again, his knuckles turning white as he gripped its handle. His attention wasn't fully on me though, and I turned my head to try and see what he was looking at. The guards growled at Jack, who hesitated, then turned and sprinted towards us. I almost fell as the boat started to move, but managed to grab at the railings and pull myself up. I leaned over the railings slightly and glancing down, I could see that Jack had just managed to grab hold of the end of the rope ladder, his boots skimming the top of the water as he hung on with both hands. The guards hadn't been slow, but neither was Jack, who let go with one hand, having got his balance, and managed to get one of the pistols in the other hand, aiming it at the guards. They never got any further than the water's edge.

Danil left me for a moment, and reached over the side with one hand, ready to help the other man climb up. I watched as Jack appeared, still clutching onto his hat as he had done before. He let Danil help him up and over the railings, and staggered a little as he stood, though he was much better at balancing than I was, unsteady as the waves rocked the boat back and forth. I closed my eyes tight and leaned over the railings again, the rolling horizon making me dizzy. When I opened them again, everything was so much further away.

Then realisation hit me. My hands weren't tied, there was no knife at my throat, but I was still a captive. I half sank to the floor, and clung onto the railings, afraid of watching the island fade away into the distance. I hadn't realised the winds were so strong, but the sails above me caught every scrap of wind, throwing us further across the ocean. The guards were ants now, smaller than ants, and even my father's house; the tower, the trees surrounding it, everything; it all started to get smaller and smaller and blurred through my tears.

"Come on," a voice said behind me, "We're going inside."
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue.




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*

He had been awul again, brushing me off when all I wanted was to talk to him.


‘awul’ = awful

I knew he had responsibilities - that came with having such an important job - but it still did not feel right. I slowed a little, and stopped, leaning against the wall and the marble pillar on one side of me. Clutching at the vines that spiralled around the pillar with one hand, I wiped away my tears with the other, making my sleeve wet. I didn't care about that though; I was too hurt and confused to care about a little dirt.


I know this is the beginning and a lot of stories I read don’t give too much detail of characters straight away. With this I have a clear vision of her father so well done!

Crossing the main courtyard was a task in itself; any one of those statues could be a man stood still and silent, and that was often the way with guards.


I love this insight of the guards probably hiding behind the statues, it is almost like she expected someone to jump out and catch her.

Someone important enough to take precedance over me.


‘precedance’ = precedence

I had received a good telling off after I ended up causing his computer to crash while he was in the middle of composing an important document. I was not quite sure how it was my fault though... surely, if he had written it by hand, then there was no way that he could lose his work so easily.


This reminds me of when my power used to get cut off and my parents told me to write things out by hand. Oh, as Cass said, it is also like NaNo and I lost my entire novel XD

Lighting the candle only took seconds, and the flame flickered and danced in the most beautiful way, lighting up the part of the room that I was in. Looking at the artifacts that my father had collected over the years almost always made me feel better; it was the most beautiful retreat, and away from everyone else. It was only made better when there was a full moon outside, and the whole room was bathed in a silver light that showed everything off so beautifully.


‘artifacts’ = artefacts

This is beautiful description but it was the repetition of ‘beautiful’ that was a downer. Perhaps the use of synonyms would work better?


I stepped in further, and looked for my favourite object, a tall grandfather clock that had been in the family for centuries, though I did not know how old it really was. I did not know my history well enough to recall which era it was from, which country it was found in, or which king or queen was on the throne at the time. More than not knowing, I simply did not care. All I cared about was its simple beauty, the way that the wood was so smooth and shiny, even after all of this time, and the patterns that were carved into it. Mostly, it was smooth, but as I ran my hands over it, I could find grooves and pieces that jutted out in spirals and curves. The pendulum inside did not work anymore, so it did not tell the time. It had been fifteen minutes past two when it stopped working, according to the hands on the clock face, though of course, anyone could change those if they so wished.


Yet again, I applaud you for getting the right atmosphere for the Girl’s interest in the grandfather clock. I’m beginning to think she and I are alike, grandfather clocks are really beautiful to look upon and touch.

Next to the old grandfather clock, was something more recent, perhaps only a few hundred years old. A jukebox, I thought it was called, and this one worked using electricity. We had used it once, tested it to see what it would do, and the oddest sound came from the machine, some sort of music. That was what I thought it was at least, but it was hard to tell. Music like that was certainly not played in our house in these times. I had barely heard that much music though, except for when my father played on the piano sometimes to calm his nerves.


This makes me wonder what music is like in the future.

"Nah, he must have it well hidden somewhere. I can't believe all of this junk isn't cagegorised better though."


‘cagegorised’ = categorised

"It's not junk," the first voice said, "Do you know how long it took to-"


I think that is supposed to be a longer dash.

"Bloody thing won't open," one of the men muttered, then cursed loudly. "Seems to want to cut me open too."


Now that’s funny XD I can imagine his frustration.

"Who are you?" he asked, "and what are you doing here?"


Was the scarf covering his mouth? I assumed it did so wouldn’t his voice be muffled?

"What am I doing here?!" I said, taking a step forward, "What are you doing here? This is breaking and entering, and-"


Take out the question mark or the explanation mark.

"Have you got a hold of it yet?" he yelled to the man behind him, "We have to get going."


Was there anything to identify the other man? The one with the knife has a red scarf, this makes him distinctive, how about the other one (that’s Jack right?)? And, to avoid confusion, you could think about the Girl giving them a name , for example the one with the knife could be Red Scarf and the other one Locksmith (since he is picking the lock) as this way prevents you from saying ‘the man with the knife/the other man’ etc. That’s just an idea by the way.

I was scared of moving though, scared his shaking hand might accidently slice through my throat.


‘accidently’ = accidentally

I put my hands to my ears, but nothing could block it out, the sound finding a way through my fingers.


‘finding’ = found

I think ‘found’ suits to replace ‘finding’.

Also, this would have been the perfect time for the Girl to try and evade the thieves, this gives her more backbone and she is much more real, I know I would attempt an escape if my capturers were distracted. But then again, there is a knife involved...


Suddenly, I realised why they wore those pistols at their waists and I shivered.


It seems this Girl doesn’t know much about how things work. I really am surprised that she only realises now that the pistols are weapons, etc.

If I was not being held captive with a knife close enough to feel cold on my skin, I might just have felt sorry for them; as it was though, I wanted nothing more than to survive.


Another strange thing, I’m wondering why she feels sorry for them or is that just what her character feels towards others?

I tried seperating them experimentally, but Jack had tied the rope too tight.


‘seperating’ = separating

I sighed, resigned to my fate, and whatever they had planned.


Girl gives up way too easily.

There was sand on the other side of the island, but this side, I had to put up with feeling the hard stones through my soft soled shoes, and for once I wished I wore something a little more sturdy.


‘sturdy’ = sturdier

Danil only hesitated a moment after seeing the men near to the boat, the three of them looking confused, wondering how it had got there.


Confusion here. Who were the three men? Were they guards as I was thinking they were companions of the thieves.

I sighed as I spotted the knife in his hand again, his knuckles turning white as he gripped its handle.


Girl is more likely to gasp than sigh upon seeing the knife again.

What kind of a ship was it, I was thinking it was like a galleon or is it a speedboat since it left the shore so quickly?

I think you should have something in the beginning that gives the character a gender. One way to do this is mention her skirt in the earlier passages, like when she runs(walks?) across the courtyard she could pick up her skirt or maybe she has long hair that she brushes away from her mouth/face.

I’ve had more time to read closely so you’ll notice this critique is longer than my previous one. As I have suggested, characterise Jack and Danil where I mentioned nicknames.

Why is it that Girl’s father does not make an appearance? Even if he does not think of her too often, I’m sure he would have heard the alarms and gotten ready to follow the guards down.

As I said before, I love this piece and with a little bit more work it would turn out great. The dialogue was realistic but I haven’t yet got a favourite character. I hope there is more to come soon =)

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'



cron
The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard