Cost of Action Pt. 2

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“Powerful employer, eh?” Anton repeated.

I shook my head, still chuckling about the encounter. “Said she wouldn’t be leaving the city without me. Called me arrogant, too.”

He took a long drag from his cigarette, a glance down the empty hall, and passed the rest of it to me through the cell bars.

“What’d she look like?”

“Eh? A pig.”

“What kind of pig? The animal or the pig?”

“She looked like a cop, man. Maybe a wired librarian or some shit like that.”

“What kind of librarian?”

“What?”

“The old crabby kind or the playmate kind?”

I took a drag of the cigarette. “You’re a sick man. Aren’t you married?”

“Was she a librarian or a cop?” Anton shrugged.

I shook my head, amused and in a good mood still. “Doesn’t matter. Librarian or cop, don’t matter cause I’m not working for her.”

Anton shifted his feet and I took the last few drags off the cigarette before flicking it outside the cell.

“What do you got to say, Anton?”

“Man, I don’t know why you don’t take the bitch up on her offer. You don’t think she’s legit or what?”

“Nah, that’s got nothing to do with it.”

“So what then?”

“I have a problem with authority.”

Anton grunted, “What’s the difference between whatever deal she’s got to offer you and this cell?”

“My point. It ain’t no different.”

Anton nodded, taking it in. “Whatever, man. Don’t act like you couldn’t get out of here on your own if you wanted to.”

I shrugged.




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:D

First off, I commend this dialogue. It was very... real? plausible? believable? I'm not sure the word.

Anton nodded, taking it in. “Whatever, man. Don’t act like you couldn’t get out of here on your own if you wanted to.”


This is a bit difficult to get through. I understood it, but it needs to be reworded. It interrupted the flow.


Hehe... do you really think all guys talk like that? A lot of them do. 8)

Good excerpt, I don't think it needs to be much longer, but you might want to try and work a transition in there unless you plan to do a page break or something.
Perception is everything.




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Yeah, I'll be putting a page break between the two parts. I'm terrible at "moving" characters and I try to avoid it when I can. But if I did put a transition in there, I think it would be easier to identify where he is.

Hahah, yes, I thought someone would comment on my excessive use of the word "man" throughout the dialogue. I tried to keep it well balanced. I can assure you that my male characters won't be talking like that ALL the time. It just depends on the situation and who they're talking to.

Thanks for the comments! I'm glad I'm keeping a good dialogue. :D I'll try re-wording that one part though. I see what you mean.


As always,

POKE
Last edited by rosethorn on Fri Dec 01, 2006 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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He took a long drag from his cigarette, a glance down the empty hall, and passed the rest of it to me through the cell bars.

When I first read this, I thought 'a glance down the empty hall' was describing the cigarette. That might be just me being dull, but a little clarification wouldn't hurt. :wink:

I shook my head, amused and in a good mood still. Librarian or cop, doesn't matter cause I'm not working for her.

Why is 'still' at the end? I think it will work fine right in front of the word 'in'. Also, there should be an apostrophe in front of 'cause' to show it's abbreviated from the word 'because'.

Anton shifted his feet and I took the last few drags off the cigarette before flicking it outside the cell.

I think you should take out 'and' and put in 'as'. It makes more sense that way. Just an idea, but maybe you could say something else besides 'a drag of the cigarette', only because you've used that a few other times in the piece.


Overall, though, I agree with Trident in that the use of dialogue was very well done. I like your style, it works really well in the content of the story.

Great job!
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<




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and passed the rest of it to me through the cell bars.
Going on from what I said to the last part, THERE ARE CELL BARS?!

I'm going to leave that in there for the sake of it should be left in. Since we spoke in the chat, and I had no clue this was someone else...you should really lead us into your scenes. Set up the scene, even if its like I do. "The room was rather empty." but just taking us into the dialog(you could describe the scene after) and leaving us with no knowledge is mean!

He took a long drag from his cigarette
This isn't a critique. Just a comment. I love the word drag when talking about smoking. *romantic sigh* that word is amazing!

I really liked the dialog, it showed the personalities. But I got really lost, really fast. I couldn't figure out who was who. Its because you lost me when you used that first line of dialog after the cigarette thing, without a tag. I wasn't sure who was speaking. And there was no action, not even a little, during the dialog to suggest who was the one speaking. I got very lost.

okay, like I said, the dialog was impressive and helped me see the characters better, the use of slang and all. But it would help if I knew who was talking! And is it the same "I" from before? If so, I'M SO CONFUSED!

Save me? I really have no idea what is going on. First "I" is offering someone a deal and now "I" is being offered a deal? Is this deal or no deal? Help me! The best thing I can say is I liked the dialog, but please, action! Reader cannot live on dialog alone!

Seriously, dialog doesn't make a story. Unless its a script. we need to see your characters, flesh them out before they speak so much. And the landscape, and the background. You have an I, a narrator. Tell us something!!! wtf is going on!!! How could you let yourself get away with writing this down??? Just kidding, it isn't that serious. I'm just trying to make my point. It's very...empty. again. Good luck! I hope this one as just as awesome! You goof ball XD
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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EDITED: I put the story into third person and would like to know if it sounds better this way. Jan 5th, 2007


“Powerful employer, eh?” Anton repeated.

Ridge shook his head, still chuckling about the encounter. “Said she wouldn’t be leaving the city without me. Called me arrogant, too.”

Anton took a long drag from his cigarette, a glance down the empty hall, and passed the rest of it to Ridge through the cell bars.

“What’d she look like?”

“Eh? A pig.”

“What kind of pig? The animal or the pig?”

“She looked like a cop, man. Maybe a wired librarian or some shit like that.”

“What kind of librarian?”

“What?”

“The old crabby kind or the playmate kind?”

Ridge took a drag of the cigarette. “You’re a sick man. Aren’t you married?”

“Was she a librarian or a cop?” Anton shrugged.

Ridge shook his head, amused and in a good mood still. “Doesn’t matter. Librarian or cop, don’t matter cause I’m not working for her.”

Anton shifted his feet and Ridge exhaled the last of the cigarette before flicking it outside the cell.

“What do you got to say, Anton?”

“Man, I don’t know why you don’t take the bitch up on her offer. You don’t think she’s legit or what?”

“Nah, that’s got nothing to do with it.”

“So what then?”

“I have a problem with authority.”

Anton grunted, “What’s the difference between whatever deal she’s got to offer you and this cell?”

“My point. It ain’t no different.”

Anton nodded, taking it in. “Whatever, man. Don’t act like you couldn’t get out of here on your own if you wanted to.”

Ridge shrugged.



If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems