one loves the sunset when one is so sad.

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Last NaPo Week, I based my entire theme on 'Pet Semetary' by my favorite author, Stephen King. Each poem centered upon a quote and message that impacted my life. I plan to continue this pattern this NaPo, following one of my favorite books ever, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. To me, this book is a medley of the ideas of childhood innocence and how we lose that magic as we get older. I turn 20 during NaPo this year, so this is a big milestone for me. My poems this year will focus on growing up, searching the world, a yearning to find where I belong, and trying to keep that purity and ability to see the world through a lens of love. At the same time, I want to explore grief and missing parts of myself that I can no longer find, I want to ponder how one loves the sunset when one is so sad.

"I love sunsets. Let’s go and watch one now…"

"But you must wait…“

“One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!“

And a little later you added:

"You know — one loves the sunset, when one is so sad…"

"Were you so sad, then?“ I asked, "on the day of the forty-four sunsets?"

But the little prince made no reply.”


2024: the disease of overthinking.
2024 NaPo Week: sometimes dead is better.

Goals:
-It is a busy month for me, so I am aiming for 12 deep and meaningful poems, instead of 30+ that won't stick with me.
-Follow along with every other thread and leave at least 30 comments in total.
-Perform a spoken word poem.
-Share my poems with my family.

Pinterest Board: Coming soon
Spotify Playlist: Here
Rickroll: Right here!
Comments and critique are welcome!!
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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Pre-NaPo:

i. One loves the sunset when one is so sad.
ii. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.
iii. And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water.
iv. It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.

NaPo:
I. What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.
II. It is lonely when you’re among people, too.
III. People are never happy where they are.
IV. But I was too young to know how to love her.
V. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it.
VI. Only you will have stars that can laugh.


Spoiler
    Future quote ideas that I have read:

  • You alone will have the stars as no one else has them...

    In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing.

    And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...

    Only you will have stars that can laugh.


  • “It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.”

  • “Well, I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.”

  • “You're beautiful, but you're empty...One couldn't die for you.

    Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you.

    But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass, since she's the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all.

    Since she's my rose.”

  • “People where you live," the little prince said, "grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for...

    They don't find it," I answered.

    And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."

    Of course," I answered.

    And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

  • “You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

  • “Where are the people?” resumed the little prince at last. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…” “It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.”

  • “If you love a flower that lives on a star, it is sweet to look at the sky at night. All the stars are a-bloom with flowers...”

  • "For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky."


    And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me...

    You will always be my friend.

    You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh”

  • “You're beautiful, but you're empty. No one could die for you.”

  • “She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me.

    I ought never to have run away from her... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little stratagems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her...”

  • “Grown-ups love figures...

    When you tell them you've made a new friend they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies? " Instead they demand "How old is he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make? "

    Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.”

  • “A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.”

  • “When someone blushes, doesn't that mean 'yes'?”

  • “I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn’t much improved my opinion of them.”

Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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i. One loves the sunset when one is so sad,

and as one grows older, the bright rays of light seem to grow further away.
i have always loved the sunset, ever since i was a child.
losing something, but knowing that it was not lost.
being bathed in darkness, but knowing that it would pass.
gaining an abundance of silence, which could be filled with whispers from the night.
all of these things shaped me into who i have become:
never truly hopeless, filled with goals for the future, certain of some ounce of success,
because the sun would always rise again,
the sky would always fill with stars that made God feel close,
and the crisp coldness in the air never bit too deep.

getting old makes me feel like the sun is never going to rise,
or at least, i cannot be certain that i will ever feel perfectly warm,
no matter where i go.
i have countless pictures in my mind-
bright reds, clear blues, mixes of colours i cannot even describe,
and an endless array of scenes that i don't have the words to express.

as i move, i learn and grow, but it seems like i am always traveling away from the sun.
soon, it is going to rise and i am going to have to face the sunrise,
but for now, i keep myself in an endless sunset,
for one truly comes to love the sunset
when one is so desperately sad.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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I want to tell you
about dawn deep in a winter mountain
when you have pulled out the last warm layer from your pack
and zipped as tight as you can,
but you still feel the chill creep through,
brushing first your elbow like a passerby in a bus,
but then grabbing your forearm gently,
like the doctor after bad news.

I want to tell you that
sometimes, you will have to huddle under
a single wide sheet of plastic
and hope that the breath from those around you
will be enough to keep you all warm.
Is this the beginning of a tragedy?

Hours left of night,
Until

First the black dilutes to dirty lavender
and the hue gains strength as the minutes crawl by.
When it happens, you will never know,
but in a blur the sky will suddenly be a glow
of delicate pinks and plums,
the bottoms of clouds skimmed
in ponds of cornflower before being hung up to dry.

Then you will know the sunrise breaks in your heart
long before you see it with your eyes on the horizon,
long before the warmth beams across your frigid cheeks,
long before the hands of chill retreat from inside your coat.

The joy of having lived through the darkness
is a radiance only you can feel.

And I want to tell you,
someday you will long to feel so alive
as you did in the darkness on the side of a mountain
before dawn.
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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@Hannah, that is so incredibly beautiful! Did you write it?

Then you will know the sunrise breaks in your heart
long before you see it with your eyes on the horizon,
long before the warmth beams across your frigid cheeks,
long before the hands of chill retreat from inside your coat.


These lines hit me so deeply. Right now I am in a stage of life where I am making so many decisions that feel more permanent than they truly are... and growing up feels like losing a sense of stability, like the sunrise, that I have always had. I love the line about the sunrise breaking in my heart, perhaps not something so external, but internal instead. Maybe instead of looking for security and hope in the tangible, accomplishments, or pieces of paper, I should remember what is only seen with the heart :)

I can't wait to write more this NaPo and thank you so much for your support <33
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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Yes! I wrote it as a poem in reply! Growing up really, truly sucks sometimes, and yes there are decisions that you never get to go back on, but there is a lot of the world that you (and I) can't even fathom or begin to imagine yet! Because we haven't been there yet. So I just wanted to tell you, there is a lot more good waiting for you. I promise! I know it is dark now, but there is something new coming!
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
are you a green room knight yet?
have you read this week's Squills?




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@Hannah, thank you so much for writing that and it really means so much to me <33 thanks again, friend!!
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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ii. One runs the risk of crying a bit if one allows oneself to be tamed.

There was a time, not so long ago,
Where I had planned how every moment of my life would go.
I was promised a future that was very bright,
To which I got down on my knees and prayed for every night.
I was a beacon of devotion in everything I did,
But still, inside, I had secrets I hid.

There is a certain culture, a specific way of life,
With any act of disobedience, I felt shame like a sharp knife.
I figured I was the problem, so I put my doubts on my shelf, without end,
And no matter how hard I searched, even in this place, I could never find a friend.

So my heart turned cold, I felt a constant anger plague my heart,
At a certain point, I could not contain it, I had to throw the dart.
It landed in bright places that I had always been forbidden to go,
I searched in deep caverns and spacious valleys, but nowhere felt like home.

Eventually, I learned to accept being alone,
And I felt like a child again, but also starved to the bone.
I realized that most people who said they loved me,
Only loved the girl who I used to be.

Today, I am learning that emptiness is beautiful and that my future can still be bright,
And even if there is not one right answer, life is still worth the fight.
Because someday I will be a mother, and I will have a daughter,
She will know that she is loved, and that will be enough for her.

When I think about the little girl who I used to be,
I miss her, but I also cry for the first time, knowing that I am untamed and free.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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Omg, theming a poem around a single book is pretty hard once it reaches like the 15 day mark, but with a book as great as the little prince, you got this!
(Also... the QUOTES? They're so beautiful omg dhjkgahsdjlkg *squeals in joy as I read excerpts from The Little Prince for like the 276th time bc it's a great book)
The world needs more sparkles




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iii. And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water.

I am picking flowers on a Sunday morning,
Because something inside me has died, I am in mourning.
While my feet tread across the warm soil, I feel the cool air,
I try to push away the thoughts, for I am no longer an heir.
No, I am not in a church, walking down that aisle,
They are relentlessly asking, all I can say is ‘I will’.
Something about the way I was raised made me feel guilty when I ate,
I try to remind myself that I have grown; I am no longer eight.
I ground myself, breathing in the scents of bright flowers here,
Their voices torment me when I close my eyes, ‘Why can't you hear?
I have prayed a thousand times for my confusion to lessen,
But no matter what, they only want me to attend a lesson.
I pick a flower on a Sunday morning, to leave at my own altar,
I am learning to live my life in my new mind, body, and this alter.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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iv. It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.

Growing up feels like throwing yourself on your bed,
Sobbing, wishing that someone would come and find you.
When I was little, I would pretend to fall asleep in the car,
Because it is the only way that I could be touched by my mother,
Without asking for affection.
Sometimes, I keep crying, even when I have no more tears,
Because I want someone to find me hurting.

I leave the door unlocked and my windows open,
Wishing that, for a moment, someone would notice me.
I feel like an actor in my own body, desperate to be seen,
Because when I am with others, I am invisible.
As I get older, I seem to disappear a little more every day,
The noises of the world get louder, colorless connections disappear,
The pain increases with every step, and the sharp stings blind me.
Sometimes, the only hand I hold is my own.
And still, I throw myself into bed, tucking myself in,
Hoping that I am lost and will someday be found.

**NAPO STARTS TOMORROW AHHHHH :D I have a really good feeling about this next month!**
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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I. What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.

It feels like I am waiting for someone who is never going to show up.
I tiptoe around tears and denial, not daring to create titles,
Because it is easier to sit, wait, and hold on to hope.
We always compare tears to rain, but that doesn't feel true to me.
Do the clouds resist acts of precipitation, a rebellion that begins to stir?
Do they wait without end, giving into a rain cycle of insanity?
I know that crying is natural, but it feels less human than the rain.
I know that I exist as a natural being, but as I get older,
My mind feels inhumane, like a monster that I have created.
I have waited so long for a friend, a snowy mountain to rain on,
My tears could fall across a motionless stream, no longer waiting,
No longer yearning. Hope would be completely unnecessary.
I wish, endlessly, for someone to come and dig a well in my heart.
I am still waiting for my mother to find me under the bed,
And for my father to transform from a stationary being. He will comfort me.
Even now, I cry, I hope, I pray, and deny. I will wait.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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II. It is lonely when you’re among people, too.

Today I feel more lonely with others than I do on my own,
I am a ghost who has drifted far away from my home.
I watch their smiles and tears come to my eyes,
Awkward and stranded, all I ask is ‘why?”.
Every girl who I meet is far more prettier than me,
Though I have learned that I shouldn’t obsess over who I could be.
I walk along every path alone, left far behind,
What is wrong with me? Where did it go wrong? How can I rewind?
I don't know if I will ever be able to make friends who love me as me,
So I turn my hatred inward, I know that the problem must be me.
It has been like this my entire life, although not always this bad,
I am supposed to be young, there is so much fun to be had.
In a few weeks I’ll be twenty, so maybe things will get better,
Honestly, my heart feels broken, and my eyes are still getting wetter.
I guess poems should end happily, right? That's how it should be?
Nah. This one is gonna be sad. See you tomorrow for NaPo day three.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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III. People are never happy where they are.

I hope, this year, I can make more mistakes.
I hope I can learn to feel anger so deep,
That I scream, and place the blame in the hands which dealt it.
I hope I can hold grudges and not say that I forgive when I have not,
Because I want to learn how to say no.
I hope I can embrace the shame of being who I want to be,
And that it will start to feel like an invisible friend, unseen but available.
I hope that I can reject false hope, but see beauty in nature,
In stillness, and in simple interactions.
I hope that I can mourn so deep that part of me dies,
So that I will finally be able to be reborn, after years of searching.
I hope that I never have to choose between oppression and salvation,
And that I can live the rest of my life as free as a child.
This year, I will continue to hope.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)




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IV. But I was too young to know how to love her.

Oh, how I want a mother, who holds me in her arms.
She wraps me in blankets that smell like honey,
And protects me from all harm.
Oh, how I want a mother, who could raise me all again,
From the moment that I came into this world,
Her kisses will fall off of my skin like rain.
Oh, how I want a mother, who is anyone but my own.
Because there is a part of me that will never be alive,
She has shackled me. I want to be free and roam.
Oh, how I want a mother, I often ponder to myself,
But as I’ve gotten older, I have raised a girl
Who has never gotten to be herself.
Oh, how I want a mother. But am I sure that’s true?
Being alone is what has always felt safest,
I know how to soothe myself when I’m feeling blue.
Oh, how I want to be a mother, I’ll hold my daughter in my arms,
I'll kiss her face and I’ll braid her hair,
I can promise you, I’ll raise her right and she will never know harm.
Who's to say that my light is better than your darkness? Who's to say death is better than your darkness? Who am I to say?

Was AilahEvelynMae
and is now EllieMae :)



u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper