one loves the sunset when one is so sad.

V. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it.

I have many purposes, but I am not meant to be a destroyer.
How can something so repulsive feel so natural,
Exciting, meaningful, and enticing?
When I feel alone, I want to hurt what cannot defend,
I want to consume everything inedible, I want to be
Everything; I cannot be a destroroyer.
I no longer believe in right or wrong, natural or unnatural,
Nature or nurture, love or hate, law or life:
I simply exist to be who I can manage to be,
The way a lion kills her own cubs, the bud that never bloomed,
The rock that never felt the sea, the fly who had no purpose other than death.
I live to breathe. I grow to die. I hurt to weep and to never forgive.
Still, I am a destroyer, because there is a part of me that I want to die.
And there is a part of death, the mere thought, that makes me feel alive.

Oh wow Ellie, all of your poems so far are so amazing! I love the emotions of them, how perfectly you always capture the mood of what you write about! And the photos are really pretty too!

Thank you so much, friend!!

VI. Only you will have stars that can laugh.

I still fell for you when I wanted to die.
You were the only producer of true happiness,
Because where else would I go? How far could I run until I fell
On my knees, and crawled back, begging for your law to prohibit my forgiveness.
You didn’t expect me to be perfect, but you distanced yourself from anything less
Than all that I could never be; perfect.
I didn’t mean to say I love you, but I had never been loved or known what it was
To tame myself, to tame my rose, to tame my fox; to tame the little girl who cried
So heavily that her heart felt like is was going to break.
We fell apart when death finally pulled me out of your arms,
He told me to run, his voice was more silent than your gentle whisper.
When I asked you questions, you told me that I was unwilling to trust you.
When I begged you to let me die, you gave me the strength to
live a life where I would leave you.
Every undeniable experience was a memory of an undeniable experience.
To tempt you is death; certainty is a lack of faith; trying is not trying enough.
I fell for you when I was a little girl, I chose you over death.
I chose you over the stars in the sky, so now I look up,
Full of regret, and watch them laugh, 13.8 billion years too late.

VII. I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.

I am the bough that never breaks, the root you trip on every morning,
And the moonglade that rests upon your soft skin.
I am natural, breakable, breathing, living, aging.
I am the perennial flower that returns every year,
Dying but never truly gone. Sometimes, part of me disappears,
But the branch doesn't break. I will survive. I still breathe. I am here.
You are my caterpillar, my beam of light in a never-ending grove of trees.
The waves engulf me, but my spoondrift holds your face in my palms,
I kiss your face. I accept you. I forgive you, for you are beautiful,
Like a sunflower who always finds the sun, I will endure.
My bough never breaks, my roots are firm, my heart moves steadily
Towards the sky. Perhaps, I will even transform into a butterfly.

VIII. I am very fond of sunsets. Come, let us go look at a sunset now.

Most people like to watch the sunset,
With their eyes focused on the sky changing from
Bright blue to every shade of orange, pink, and yellow imaginable.
But I like to turn the other way,
Watching the newly birthed darkness as it takes its first steps.
Every rock and tree still visible, because of the dying light,
But the light darkness brings a sense of softness, safety, and stillness,
Like a hug from my mother I never had.
My spine tingles, my legs shake, my body feels unwell,
Still, the darkness feels like she is rocking me.
It is so easy to make so much more or less of life
Through the words I share in a poem,
But for once, this is all mine, this is all that I feel,
This is all I will ever remember and be.
Who I am during this sunset will never live again.
As all of the light leaves the sky, the cold air feels warmer than the sun ever was.
As everyone else watches the sunset,
I scream everything into nothing, part of my heart breaks, something dead inside is finally set free.
It leaves with the dying light, only to haunt me when the sun comes again.
I watch the darkness as it wraps me in a tight embrace.
Finally, someone who knows exactly how I feel.
Someone who is my home.

I have written poems lately that feel too personal to share, but I have been writing poems Not every day, but a couple here and there. Hoping to write some more this week. Turning 20 has brought up many emotions to write about.

These are some great poems! I'm glad you've been writing this NaPo, and I understand writing things that are too much to share.

This is all I will ever remember and be.
Who I am during this sunset will never live again.
As all of the light leaves the sky, the cold air feels warmer than the sun ever was.

I really like these lines.