An Idle Night

Okay, this is basically my first attempt at poetry. If it's bad, please tell me. If there is something I can fix, please tell me.


A flake of impure white
Leaps to my desktop.
Crystal-less and aged
A slivering of lead.

Beaming fluorescence
Strays to my eyes.
A squinted expression.
I am so tired.

A warm blanket
Falls over my being.
My skin tingles.
I hurl the empty bottle.

What can I say?
But recalcitrant silence
A fire that rises
Deep within.

Sadly, you have no critiques. So therefore, I must give you a very lame critique that makes no sense, and hopefully others better in poetry will give you a critique. Most likely it'll be out of pity, since this critique is, as previously stated, very lame, but still.

Uh... my sister and I both thought that first you were talking about dandruff. Hahaha... um... yeah. So you're going to want to make it a little bit more clearer, unless it is indeed dandruff, and then you're fine.

But really. My favorite stanza was the second one, since it was ringing of, "Myspace sucks!" So we both liked that better because we understood it.

But as far as the rest of the poem, it was too abstract. Yeah, you're tired, but is there any point to you being tired? Does it portray something deep in your soul or something? Everybody gets tired -- you have to give us something interesting, mentally, to chew on. Not just present us pretty imagery.

Yeah... I hope that helps somewhat!

Trident--


(A much deserved response.)

This is largely incoherent. I will give some in-line comments for you to consider.

A flake of impure white
Leaps to my desktop.
Dandruff?
Crystal-less and aged
A slivering of lead.
This doesn't make sense. You need a comma after "aged" or else need to seriously reconsider what you're trying to accomplish with this.

Beaming fluorescence
Strays to my eyes.
What is straying to your eyes? "Beaming fluorescence"? Nonsensical--possibly a good image, but you need to fine tune it.
A squinted expression.
I am so tired.
Too direct. Cut these last two lines.

A warm blanket
Falls over my being.
Anything that "falls over my being" is melodramatic to the extreme. Just say "body" or some such. Keep your poems physical--journeying into the abstract temporality of ideas can be fatal if you're not sure what you're doing.
My skin tingles.
I hurl the empty bottle.
Alcohol? There is no sign of this previously--it's unexpected.

What can I say?
But recalcitrant silence
A fire that rises
Huh? "A recalciatrant silence / A fire"? It doesn't make sense, and I have no idea what you meant!
Deep within.

This has a long way to go before you can do anything with it. For now, try organizing and expressing your ideas in a way readers can understand.


Best,
Brad

I thought there was some really interesting/ beautiful imagery in here
"Crystal-less and aged
A slivering of lead."
But as a whole there was a lack of coherence, lots of ideas which could maybe have been developed individually to some effect, but combined as a poem they don't make a huge amount of sense.