This dream is tailor-made

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˜This dream is tailor made," you whisper
beneath a brooding sky: weathered
cornstalks set in contrast to the darker firmament.

˜Only for a moment," she tells you:
trailing fingers tracing the outline of her jaw.
Fumbling lips build arches past
the vestiges of cloud; where outreached
hands may reach and tap the fading sunset dry.

The flash extinguished with the sky
like ephemeral gasps emitted from
this dying moment.
Last edited by Cameron on Sun Nov 19, 2006 6:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
--SIGMUND FREUD




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Cameron--


This is nice. Some in-line suggestions:


˜This dream is tailor made," you whisper
beneath a brooding sky: weathered
cornstalks set in contrast to the darker firmament.

˜Only for a moment," she tells you:
trailing fingers tracing the outline of her jaw.
Fumbling lips build arches past
the vestiges of cloud; where outreached
hands may reach and tap the fading sunset dry.

The flash extinguished with the sky
like ephemeral gasps emitted from
this dying moment.


I am no fan of the original ending.


Take care,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




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A nice breath of fresh air, well-appreciated. I comment only to reassure you of it's worth.
Carpe Diem.




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Very nice. Good imagery, an abundance of interesting words, and not trying to fit too much into a perfect-length poem make this especially refreshing. Good work. I can't wait to read more!
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




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Wow. Like xantham said, a real breath of fresh air. A balanced, well-organized and well-written piece of work. Kudos to you! Unfortunatley I have no suggestions for its improvement, as it seems pretty much awesome as it is. Will get back to you if I think of something LOL ;)

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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good work. it says something. its more than just the useless babbling. i look forward to more.



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year