late night coffee and other dreams

Here’s to hoping by creating a thread, I’ll actually feel motivated to write.

1. untitled

that lump in my throat is back again.
it’s kind of comforting, the way it coils around my neck
and sinks onto my chest and wraps around my lungs while i breathe
(remember to pace your breaths so not to run out of air)
kind of like a weighted blanket
that squeezes the anxiety up up up
and out. maybe i’m a little nauseous too.

i never used to listen to that lump, just tried to swallow it down
silence it
because who has time to listen to an intruder
that wants to eat away at my productivity, happiness, energy, life.
but it only came back stronger, tighter, angrier
(no not angry, worried. your body wants you to listen)
until i couldn’t help but cry just so it would leave me alone.

but today, i stop.

i boil some water for tea (and hope i remember before it gets cold)
so i can soothe my throat, comfort the lump
and talk to it like it’s an old friend.
because she is.
she’s been with me longer than i can remember, even when i wasn’t listening
and she cares more than i could know.
she’s kept the score.
i tap my foot (rhythmically, slowly) and ask her
“what are you trying to say?”

she’s content to simply say her piece and go.

2. imposter

i hear a sharp crack
and suddenly my ears are ringing, silence
breathing down my neck while
my limbs tremble and shake, out of control-
imsocold
is all i can think
while i blink intruding tears away.

the Oracle is watching.
he has already spoken.
he is waiting for an answer.

blinking faster, thinking maybe if i
breathed a little quieter
the panic wont feel so loud
then my mind can catch up and i can
i might be able to
perhaps if i just
think a little longer.

the Oracle repeats himself.
he punctuates his sentence with a laugh
and a painfully rhetorical question.
the disciples are watching.

my vision is blurry, almost black
and the world buckles underneath my feet
but only i tumble underneath the weight of their stares
their expectant silence overwhelming
knocking the breath from my chest
and i dont know what the right answer is.

all i know is that i have failed.
i must have
why else would this silence be so crushing?
why wouldnt anyone step forward to save me?
am i not worth saving?

theycanallseeit
everydaytheywatchmeflounder
theyknowiamafailure
notoneofthem
unreliableunredeemableunsalvagableun-

“You’re right. I missed that. I’ll get right on it after this meeting ”

Spoiler

Slightest bit of context: “the oracle” is what I jokingly refer to one of the most senior coworkers on my team, because he has an answer for just about everything.