The Blessed

Trident wrote:Does it sound too out there?

Not at all! I thought that was what it meant anyway; I was just making sure. And I definitely like made-up words.

Again, nice work!

--Cass

Enjoy?

Trident wrote:Obedience to authority, loyalty to self, devotion to the cause. The life of a soldier. The life of this soldier.

Ah... a philosophical musing in the beginning. The problem? The following paragraphs don't have the same style. Perhaps you should scrape this first paragraph and try something better. Or redo the following. Your choice. Whatever, it isn't working right now. At all.

Colonel Kiran Raiz balled his right hand into a compacted fist, his nails biting into the skin.

Shall we go through this sentence with a fine tooth comb?

The first sentence is ridiculous. It doesn't catch, it doesn't do anything. It just is there. I know you want to have us involved with your character and everything, but by describing his small actions (if it were larger, more seemingly important actions, then it would be okay) you're boring us at the very beginning. Since this looks to be an action, military story, you have effectively made the reader stop reading at the second paragraph, disappointed with what you have so far.

Fun? Yeah.

Even with the philosophical musing, this sentence is supposed to hook the reader in. Right now, it's not doing it. If you want to keep the imagery, first of all, get rid of the word "balled." Seriously. It's a stupid verb and it should be slaughtered, especially with all the connotations of it. If anything, he made his hand into a fist. Less words is always better. Also, by saying compacted fist, you're telling us that he made a fist... but with more words! Don't do this. Interesting description is always good, but DUDE. You don't want to overdo it, especially with nonsensical purple prose.

Next of all, I think you're under the impression that the more interesting verbs you have, the better the story is. So his fingernails "bite" into his flesh. So this means you're using exact language to describe an abstract scenario. Fingernails can't actually bite anything... that would be ridiculous. To highlight this abstraction, you're going to want to use more interesting imagery, which in this case would be hard to do. I suggest going for a more interesting concrete example. Maybe his fingenails are bitten down and can't penetrate his skin? I don't know. Play with it, if you want to keep this beginning.

Note that I said "if you want to keep this beginning." As far as I can tell, this is a boring beginning for an action story. Yes... it might also be a fantasy story, but at the moment, it catches me as a military/action novel, since your main character is a soldier. I would probably opt for a more action-packed beginning to avoid stagnation.

He released a warm breath that fogged as it came out.

Hahaha... oh dear. We love using fancy verbs that don't make sense, don't we? In this case, fogging requires some sort of noun involved. I can fog up mirrors and windows. But have my breath fogging? That's impossible and it sounds really awkward too. Instead, you're going to want to use more interesting description. Remember what I said about annoying preterite being over-used? Yeah... instead of the "He ____ed" beginnings that you are continually putting in your sentences, you're going to want to change it to something more interesting. What if you wrote something like, "His breath hung out before him"? Obviously, we have different styles and everything, but your style seems a little too bland right now, so experimentation is good. Write a couple of dozen sentences on how you can describe foggy breath and then pick the best one and use it. Don't skimp on the beginning though. Ever.

He had been sulking about his quarters, a small improvised tent, for the past hour.

Hahaha... omg. I hate your character already. That was quick.

So... why do I hate your character? Your verb choice. If you ever intend to be published, you really need to work on your verb choice. What does the word "sulk" remind you of? For me, it's whiny teenagers, spoiled children, and generally adolescents who are whiny.

And your main character is sulking.

One of the first things that you, as a writer want us to do is to make us connect to your character. There's two ways you can do this. You can make us feel sorry for the character, like you're doing now, but that only goes so far and right now, it's making your main character look like a wimp. So, not only do you need to show us why he's sad but you need to show us what he loves or at least some hope. After all, a hopeless story is not that fun to read. And a hopeless story with a whiny character is unbearable.

So! You have a choice. First, you can change the word choice to be slightly less annoying and more true to the character. But that might not help. In fact, it probably wouldn't. Any other synonym might just make it the same.

I would suggest a rewrite. Instead of describing him as a bratty teenager, I would describe something, ANYTHING that makes him manly. Because right now he appears to be a 17-year-old male when he's supposed to be 30-40ish. Yeah. Not good. He's not manly enough. He has to be manly. I don't care if you want to make him seem vulnerable in the beginning, but he has to be manly. Now, I realize that you're not 30-40, but this doesn't mean you can't write for a character like this. You just have to do a bit more research.

Since you seem to want a brooding man to be your main character, you can do several things about it. You're going to want to make him a mysterious character. Let me be absolutely clear: this is NOT making him this stupid person cloaked in black. He's moody, but only when he's alone. When he's not alone, he is a leader. He has to be a leader. He's a military man, for goodness' sakes!

First off you need to do some more research. I would recommend you talk to a lot of men who you admire and ask them what their struggles were, how they overcame them, and so on. People as a rule tend to enjoy writing . Next off, I would recommend you talk to some of our lovely military. True, the circumstances are different, but men are essentially the same. Also, read books by the military.

Some other books you might be interested in:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

This is a wonderful book about leadership and making alliances. Though your character is a moody guy, he must have rose up in the military somehow, and this is probably due to his leadership position. So why not read about motivation and how to inspire?

Sun Tzu: The Art of War

A book on tactics... enjoy.

Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card

A book about how someone rises up to leadership.

The Iliad by Homer

A very poetic book on war!

Also, you might consider obtaining a leadership position, if you haven't had one already. And if you have had one, then reflect on your past experiences and use them in this story! It'll be good... honest.

And... yeah. Maybe I'll add more to this list later?

Still. Rewrite it. Or else.

General Yakov’s plans lay on the table in front of him. He threw the parchment aside; this crusade was accomplishing nothing.

*stabs character*

OMG. He is just so friggin' angsty! I mean, I can practically see him screaming in diapers. "It's not fair!" he's probably saying. He's just so angsty... he's having a tantrum like a toddler.

ARGH! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A LEADER? WHY AM I READING THIS???

Oh... yeah. Because you asked.

Okay.

So. Basically, don't make him act like a toddler. Please. Instead of throwing the papers on the table and having a hissy fit, there are so many other things he could do. Some of those things might actually make him seem like a mature adult -- heaven forbid! For instance, what if he folds the plans up with shaking hands and then puts them in his jacket? This makes him seem somewhat responsible for his actions and willing to lead. Instead of a whiny, self-righteous character, you might actually have a character that has some depth!

...I know. Scary, isn't it?

Their siege on Mannith Tyr was failing, and the general knew it to be true. Yet here they sat.

Ah... the plot comes at last!

... just a thought. What if you start with this? Like, instead of the philosophical junk and angsty teen character introduction, what if you started here in the middle of the action? For instance, an introduction like:

"The siege on Mannith Tyr was failing, and Kiran knew it."

That's actually somewhat catchy. Plus, it tells us several things. For one, Kiran is the main character of this mess. For another, he's part of a siege, presumedly the one causing the siege. For another, this siege is failing. Yet, at the same time, it also hints to us that not many people know about this failing, so Kiran must somehow be in the loop.

This makes us ask several questions that are essential to the story. Who is this main character, and what makes him so informed compared to the rest of the people? Why is this siege happening any why is it failing? And what the blazes is going on?

You see, a hook is not a hook because it tells us something. It's a hook because it draws the reader in. The first sentence you have is pretty lame because you just lecture us. There's no readership participation or anything. We don't care about it because you, as the writer, seem more interested in long, drawn-out, internal monologues than including us. Yes, I know you're trying to give us background information and make us want to care about your character by making him act like a self-righteous teenager, but this will end up making the reader put down the book. Make us question your character and story and lead us in that way to the climax and then conclusion of the story.

So there. Play with it.

The bottle to his left was too tempting to resist.

OMG. Why does every flippin' character have to get drunk? I would like to see just ONE story where perhaps the military bans the use of alcohol during military commands. I mean, really! Alcohol clouds the mind and weakens the senses. Plus, look at some militaries that have been overthrown due to the heavy spirits? (The American Revolution comes to mind.) I would think that it might be restricted. But NO.

*grumbles*

He took a large swig, half of the liquor running along his face.

Now why would he do this? Honestly. It would splatter on his uniform and his clothes. He can't likely change out of it very easily since he's doing a war thingy at the moment. Besides, though he has a bottle, the supply for alcohol must still be limited. Why would he waste it here? Or is he an angsty teenager who doesn't care about anything and thinks he owns the place?

*sighs*

It was some god-awful swill, but it went down the way he liked.

Oh... this is a crappy sentence.

The pounding in his head slowly faded as that warm feeling came over him. He fell back against his chair and put his legs up on the table.

How big is this tent anyway? And he has it alone? Colonel or not... yeesh. Besides, you said it was a small improvised tent. Is the table and chair improvised also? Or are you lying to us straight off? Keep your facts straight!

He couldn’t help but mull over the complaints of his men. They were getting restless situated in this cold, bleak terrain.

...drinking alcohol and lounging on chairs and tables in his small, improvised tent. Geez. He is SO obviously not a leader. He thinks about his men instead of reacting to the issues that concern them. I realize that you have to have some thinking time, but if his men were so desparate, then they would be bugging him constantly. Hmmm... that's a thought. Maybe that would help liven up the pace a little?

But no. If he is a colonel and colonels are like they are in this world, just below a general, then there would be no men coming to him. He would reside in some commanding headquarters and he would talk to lieutenants. He would know of his regiment's position, but only secondhand. A colonel's is supposed to be fairly detached to his men. They wouldn't bother with that.

A heavy breeze whistled through his makeshift abode whipping the canvas flaps. “Piss off,” he snapped at it.

Hahaha... the words "piss off" don't seem to match the story. Or matter much either. And, I don't care how drunk he is, he has a total lack of control of the situation. He is irresponsible, he is irritable, and he is a micromanager. This is horrible for a commanding officer, let alone a colonel. The more I know of this man, the more I dislike him.

Is this your intention?

There were minor skirmishes almost every day now, mostly Tyr military forces who had escaped death. They raided often, draining off what little supplies the Alkarans had. The Seigneur refused to send aid.

So... this brings up the question again. Why is he wasting this liquor? Or is he really that stupid?

You see, you have written for an extremely unlikable character. He is childish, he is immature, he is wasteful, he is incompetent, he is uninspiring... how many other things can possibly be against it? I'm trying to think of anything likable about him... I think his concern for his regiment is somewhat honorable, but his lack of control and disipline to these troops, not to mention, his lack of action, is simply unforgivable.

Yep... moving on.

Kiran was about to doze off when a stout major stumbled into his quarters. “Colonel Raiz! You must see this.”

Majors don't meet with colonels usually. That's a lieutenant-colonel's job. They usually run the battalions though.

The colonel’s head twitched slightly to the side and he gave the Major Diggs a confused look.

Don't have "the" before a name. That would be like me saying that I gave the Trident a confused look. Just don't put "the" before a proper noun.

Diggs glanced at the grungy bottle and the corners of his lips turned down.

Oh come on. The colonel had like... a swig of alcohol. That was it. The bottle may be grungy, but the colonel is NOT DRUNK.

He passed the colonel yet another piece of parchment, this one tagged with the seal of the Seigneur.

Ahhh... action, at last! Diggs seems to be the first likable character in this story! He brings action to it!

Kiran felt a shiver crawl over him even with the warm blanket of his booze.

Dang it, he's NOT DRUNK. Would you like me to tell you why? Because you described the bottle as a temptation he was resisting. A TEMPTATION. This means that he has been avoiding it thus far. He broke his temptation by drinking. If he had been drinking, he may have been avoiding the bottle, but it would have ceased being a temptation.

You have to realize that words are VERY important and will shape what your reader thinks about the story. Yeah, he may have been drinking before that, but guess what? You didn't describe it. And, unfortunately (fortunately?) we can't go inside your brain and see what it should have been. So your job, as the writer, is to show us the description so we know enough that is going on and are still intrigued by it. Is this tough? YES. But you can do it. Or die trying.

So yeah. Pay a close attention of what verbs and nouns you use. It is true that the more powerful these verbs and nouns are, the more powerful the story is, but only if these words make sense in the content of your story. Otherwise, it's a horrible piece littered by purple prose and that's BAD.

So there. I don't care what you say: he's not drunk. He's just INCREDIBLY stupid. At least I can believe that within the context of the story.

He broke the seal and read the message.

OMG. HE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE THAT WILL HELP MOVE THE PLOT ALONG.

This is only getting better and better!

“Colonel, what news does the Seigneur send? Is it good?”

The dialogue is fine the way it is, but you might want to describe what Diggs is doing because he seems to be an important character. And you might also want to show what Kiran's reactions to the letter is. That will help us feel his feelings, if you know what I mean.

“We are to end this siege…” Kiran trailed off.

First of all, if you are going to use an ellipse, you do NOT have to say "he trailed off." That's already assumed. So yeah. Good, no?

But do you need to use the ellipse anyway? Ellipses should be used for groundbreaking moments in the stories, if used for dialogue, that is. When words fail, mind you. So then, if you can't use ANY descriptions to make this better, I would suggest using these.

At the moment, it seems like there can be descriptions. You can describe how the Kiran's lips tremble, etc., so at the very least you can make us more sympathetic to the character. And this is a good thing.

“So the treaty has been signed? We are going home. That truly is good news. I shall spread the word myself.”

Describe. We can't see Diggs in our mind. I imagine him to be somewhat like Mandrake in Dr. Strangelove, but I don't know for sure! So just describe and it'll be good. How does he say it? How does he move when he says it?

“Hold it, major. We’re not going home.” He fell back into his chair and threw his boots onto the table. “Diggs, did I ever tell you what a decent man you are?”

You need to describe, man! First of all, if this intends to make him appear drunk, then make him appear drunk at the very beginning, if you want this scene. Because otherwise, it doesn't make sense and confuses the reader. We don't know enough about Kiran's character to make conclusions of what is unusual and what is normal for Kiran. And you need more physical reactions! People twitch when they talk. Their voice wavers. They move around. You're only describing the bare minimum, but you have to go beyond this if you ever want to get serious about writing!

Diggs sighed. “Sir, if we are not going home, then how is the conflict to end?”

This dialogue seems too stiff compared what he's said before.

The colonel took another swig, the clear liquid spilling onto his muddled uniform. “We take the city, Diggs. We kill them all.” He lifted the parchment for the major to look at. “Seigneur’s orders.”

See? This appears random because you didn't describe enough in the beginning!

Major Diggs grabbed the orders. “Colonel, those are not hardened soldiers behind that wall.”

This seems like a lame excuse. If I were Diggs, watching an incapacitated colonel drink his liver away, I would say, "Sir, may I state respectively that you're drunk?" Or something of the sort. Why should I pay attention to ravings of a drunken colonel and treat them as anything serious? Or, if I did see this as a threat, then maybe I would get Kiran more drunk and watch him pass out.

Right now, the dialogue is too overblown though.

]Kiran flung the bottle at Diggs’ feet. It shattered on impact, showering the major’s boots with the stale alcohol. “Don’t you think I know that?”

Yeah, and there's no reaction to this crash by either of the characters? Psh! Describe! You must describe and show us!

He shut his eyes and rubbed his temples, the ache in his head returning.

Aw... finally we get a reaction from him!

“I should go.”

Specify not only that Diggs says this but how Diggs says this.

“No… I just think… Diggs, I don’t know what I think anymore.”

Description is needed. What is he doing while he's breaking off his sentences?

“What choice do we have?”

Gah! Can't you do anything pretty with this dialogue?

Diggs paused, looking over the drunk colonel. "What other choice do we have?"

I don't know... you have to do something though!

Kiran hesitated, eventually succumbing to what he knew would be the only answer. “None.”

The "eventually succumbing..." is fluff and you should take it out. Instead -- ha, you haven't heard this before -- describe what the characters are doing. Since this is an external conflict, then you have to treat the characters externally.

Kiran pulled a small flask from his pocket and pulled off its cap. He dumped the last few drop into his mouth and erupted into a fit of coughing.

The last few drops.

And yay! Physical description!

Diggs stepped over the broken glass and slapped his back. He kept his hand on the colonel and voiced his final appeal. “Perhaps Yakov could convince the Seigneur otherwise.”

Slapped his back? Okay. Now what does Kiran DO about this slap in the back? Maybe he's still coughing? I don't know, but have fun with it! This is a darkly funny scene, so you might as well enjoy it.

He left Kiran in the tent to brood over the situation. It would be some time before he was sober enough to talk to the general.

The "he" in the last sentence seems to refer to Diggs. You ought to revise it.


So! The cliffnotes version?

1. Develop your characters.

2. Get pickier on word choice.

3. DESCRIBE!

Hope that helped!

Hey Tri.


I did promise this weeks ago - and it's been caught, nettling, at the back of mind since then. ^_^''

I'm not going to go line by line; though I'll mention structure, doubtless. The largest difficulty I see throughout and so far is a lack of frame and depth. You have names and the necassary description, dialogue tags and allusions (at times) to previous or distant relationships. But it feels peculiarly divorced from its own reality. Blase`.

Where is the conflict? And where is the character that the reader relates enough to - or is interested enough in - to follow into the rest of the story?

As it is, it is set up somewhat like sketches. But if it were in sketches, it would need a landline, so to speak - meaning a solid connection and definition of character. You've done that best in the final (C1), where your dialogue and character interaction impart some flavour and idiosyncrasy to the place. ^_^

Chp. B1

This is a conversation between...dignitaries then?

Representatives Arthur Darius and Gaius Linus--beloved brother of the Seigneur--navigated the harsh corridors of the Hall of Mannith Tyr. The armies of Seigneur Linus sat outside the city walls, fending off the several pesky scuffles assailed [ 'assailed?' perhaps you mean 'begun', 'essayed' (as in 'attempted')? ] by committed Tyr nationals . It was the hope of the two to come to an agreement that would benefit both.

A beginning paragraph - but how do its sentences connect? First, you have representatives navigating corridors of Hall. (Mannith Tyr is what? Where? Other than harsh, what is it like and do either of them react to it?) Then you jump to outside the walls to more action and people we don't know.

Rather than introducing names and than obscure or distant action from the first, why not cut off everything about the Seigneur and the outer walls? Use your next paragraph with Arthur's reaction - like so:

Representatives Arthur Darius and Gaius Linus--beloved brother of the Seigneur--navigated the harsh corridors of the Hall of Mannith Tyr.

Arthur fidgeted with his hands as he sauntered alongside his colleague. Gaius kept his head high and straight, walked with the dignity one of his office would command, and maintained an arrogance as cold as the corridors they walked. He scratched at his balding scalp; even that was done with poise.

“Peace is in sight,” Arthur said. “I can feel it.”

“Perhaps,” was all Gaius offered.

All right then... Now immediately we get a sense of Arthur's state of mind; and of his companion's aspect. Which, as you can see, also puts the dialogue in better context.

Arthur had trouble keeping up. Diplomatic envoys, negotiation techniques, alliance systems, he knew little of these things. But his tenacity in the Senate had given the Seigneur all he had needed for a reason to send Arthur Darius. And now here he was, negotiating one of the most important treaties in Alkaran history.

Gaius spoke once again, “I suppose I should give you a small warning about the Premier and his aides. They will try to get information out of you through very simple means. They might ask you a question about your life, something completely trivial, but beware. These questions are meant to warm you up to other, more fattening questions that could give away military positions or ways to infiltrate our political structure. Sometimes the personal questions themselves are meant to seep out information they could use.”

This is nearly all telling, telling which can be (and is, somewhat) demonstrated once we get to the meeting itself. Not to mention Gaius seems rather to be a tool at this point to narrate, rather than to act. There's nothing inherently wrong with dialogue enlightening the reader - but a character shouldn't, I'm sure you know ^_^, be a mouthpiece for the author. And Gauius seems particularly used at this point.

“Quite the deception, Gaius.”

“Indeed, one that fooled poor Felix, and now he is off in some godforsaken hole in the desert. I told you the Premier was adept.”

“I see what you mean.”

The brevity of this fits much more smoothly. We get an impression without being force-fed of the atmosphere and etiquette; and a hint rather than a bucket of blunt-told certainty, of who and what this premier is.

Gaius and Arthur entered the study. It was an enormous room filled with oak-paneled walls and bookshelves. The shelves were dusty and unkempt, although they seemed to be put to good use by the Premier. Books lay on the floor, some open, some stack several lengths tall. Light poured through a series of stained-glass windows from the right side of the room, casting a colorful display upon the stone ground. In the center of the room was a large oak table scattered with several papers.

Again, above, you go back to a somewhat list-inclined narrative. Both in sentence structure and in perspective.

The tension in this scene, seems undoubtably, to be Arthur's discomfort and lack of experience. What does he see? How does he react to what's around him, and what does he observe of the reactions of others? There's little drama in inanimate objects - though the description is neat enough. ^_^

“It’s the way Tyrs greet. It comes from some ancient superstition. I’m not quite sure of the reason, but they don’t like to shake hands upon greeting. It is a sign of the utmost respect if you have the opportunity to shake a Tyr’s hand. It means you have gained their complete trust.”

“Have you ever shaken the Premier’s hand?”

“No.”

'Tis good detail, good background. All that comes before it, in its block and breadth, obscure it into a hanging thread. Less said isn't always better. But all that's said ought to be precise and chosen. Why does it matter for it to be enumerated now?

The remainder is similar to what I've already noted. Little definition and no tension. Arthur, who has the most tenuous and perhaps perilous position, is continually relegated to a side-note in the narrative and paragraphs are dedicated to whims of the premier, ad nauseum.

Tighten things. Add what details add, not the superfluous. Naturally, and apparently, Tri, you have the ability to write. ^_^ What is it that matters most in this?

(I'll go on to the next chp. soon as may be. I'll see if I can get to it tonight.)

IMP


[critted for the Cabassi ]