full of phantoms

[ image coming soon ]

you have always been beautiful
i regret that i was the ugly duckling
unpickable and closed off because
i was silly and i accidentally fell in love

and you talked to me that made it worse
because you looked at me with tender kindness
and i looked at you with could this be forever

now you love someone and i don't look for your kindness
it hurts too much instead i look at our memories
of all the times i could have told you
seeing you smile is like seeing a solar eclipse
and all i want is to be near you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[picture coming soon]


bouncing around my neural cortex
you think you would get bored

firing off my nuerons
into the shapes of cracked hearts

chasms where all the photons ricochet into the dark

making me take a deep breath
when i was trying to keep myself slight

even when your eyes darken
looking into them makes me feel light

atoms make up everything
that's why my life is a lie

[picture coming soon]


a lazy river
if its moving why do you say that
undercurrent cant be seen only felt
do you need to drown in unseen rapids
to know they are there
will you keep calling the river lazy
as it drags you out into the ocean
with a little less air than you had
before you stepped in
saying dont worry
this
is a lazy river

[picture coming soon]

my mirror looks at me with
rounded features and all the expressions
of a hallmark beauty
you know somewhere in my lineage
im related to marilyn monroe
or at least thats what ive been told for generations
i wish i werent because then maybe
my face wouldnt look like
pink rose petals and ivory vines
and maybe i wouldn't smell like lavender
and maybe someone would tell me
i looked like a boy
and maybe
they would actually mean it

[picture coming soon]

a cashier at the dollarstore yesterday
she forgot how to count
when i tried to buy two mean beans
i was short a dollar which my aunt lended me
and i watched her softly knowing she must've
been having some anxiety
when we left my aunt told me
she had thought i was a boy
and had gotten that worked up and flushed
she had thought i was an attractive boy
buying two mean beans with silver change
and a lended dollar
and she had forgotten how to count
how am i supposed to believe that
all i know is
some poor gorgeous lady
working at the dollar store
forgot how to count for a moment yesterday
and all i did was give her a little patience
and leave with two monsters
but my aunt thinks i pass for a boy
or at least she wants me to think so
and that almost made me cry

[image coming... okay maybe not so soon]


we both know this isnt about a cup

you are an old coffee mug with a chip on it's rim
with a worn handle and cracked paint
and you have a picture of a character on you
one that i have tried to draw a million times since i was ten
and you if someone asked me for you
willing to exchange a hundred dollars for you
i would refuse because the second i let you go
i would miss holding on to you
despite the fact i cant drink from you
despite the fact you aren't in my posession
despite the fact you are practically a memory now
if someone offered me a thousand dollars
i would still hold you
and if someone wanted to give me the world to take
the faintest memory of your smile
or the curve of your hands - handle
i would still hold you
in every spite of your cracks
in every spite of your chips
i will always choose your memory
i will always choose you
even though i can never have you
because you make me feel warm
my favorite coffee cup
and you make me feel whole
even just as a memory

------------------------

they say when you are in love you know
its only partially true
because when you are in love you know
that his favorite color is bright orange
and he has anxiety and needs to be told how amazing he is
and he has more bad days than good days
and you can tell when hes fake smiling
and you can tell when its real
or hes been crying or stressed
you know his hobby is making jewelry
and you know
everything

except what to say when you make eye contact
except how to ignore his boyfriend
except how to let go
and thats how you find out
that you are in love
because when you try to stop
loving his smile
and his wide nose
and his dimpled cheeks
and shining quiet eyes
and you try to forget his favorite color
you cant

that is how you know
and when you realize the reason you have been trying to forget
isnt because you dont love him anymore
it is because you know when his smile is genuine
and you know hes happy
and you dont want
to see that fade
so you dont
want to
stay

--------------------------------

Spoiler

<33333 thank you so much @alliyah and im glad you felt something from it that means im doing good

TW: cursing

i was a white silouhette
or at least the lines drawn said so
pulled around me like a stringed purse
tighter together until there was no room to breathe
i went missing in the chaos and no one looked for me
you won't recognize me now that i've started to find myself
i'm too far from what i was to you back then
i was the character you designed to hate
the outline lying on the pavement --
tugging on your coat tails like wet cement
that chalk outline shows a hollow girl
i don't know who she is--
your projection onto a child
she is faceless and that's all she ever was
a blank canvas a charade a puppet--
she was a marionette made to do what you wanted
i am none of those or a vendetta against your sister
i'm a boy who is healing from all your evil visions
and i'm healing--
slowly-- let me teach you who i am
i am defiant and broken
and i am putting myself back together
i am a pain in the ass
and i am not letting go of anything
because it's not what you wanted
i'm ambitious and i'll show you that i am
because if you try to break me down
i'll tell you you that i'm an element
the barest and purest of myself
and i can't be broken again
so try me bitch

all my peices need to find a home
im not the worst person ive ever known
once i let go of all the traits that they passed on
i can one day say i've grown

i need to find where i put the jagged edges
and keep them from underfoot
it is hard to be my best when
i dont know who ive cut

i need to find all of the edges
that cause nothing but pain
and i need to put them into my cabinet
until i see my demons again

my walls have fell down and shattered
i wanted to ignore the shards
but ive learned cleaning up matters
because even rubble can be sharp

i was born empty; a ripped canvas
my eyes marbles and tongue porcelain
my fingernails broken glass; heart a void

broken glass straining outwards to touch your fingertips
marbles glassy and tired rolling to follow your foot steps
a ripped canvas begging for paint; a void threatening to swallow you
an empty vessel promising to give you everything