the abandoned

I lie adjacent to beauty;
gardens of metaphors, scattered
bright flowers of similes, branching to
blooming imagery. Starkly contrasted
with dirty crossroads of conjunctions
and the interruptions of unwanted punctuation.
I am in the middle: content with obscurity,
silent in movement, invisible in sight.
Yet with every rising sentence,
I guide words like sheep to their pens,
knowing I will never be seen, just a ghost -
my white attire shining next to the cold
black lettering, blending to the snow-
shadowed background. I hear no words of thanks
for supporting the structure,
for separating the vocabulary. I am nothing
more than a forgotten cog, still turning, as
I lie adjacent to beauty.

wow. That was brilliant, especilly 'I guide words like sheep to their pens'. Just wow, amazing stuff! I dont think i can give any advice on how to make this better, i really loved it!

Jack,


There's some good writing here.

A few suggestions:

Consider dropping L11. The point has been made with L10 and L11 adds little. I think the poem gathers force by going directly from L10 to L12. Also, consider changing "I am nothing \ more than a forgotten cog" to "I am nothing \ more than a lonely cog." The former is too melodramatic for the current piece.

Consider what to do about the last two lines. They use the same device that appears in the beginning, and in a way simply repeat what has already been spelled out.

I really liked the idea of closing on the cog metaphor, as it reminded me of the machination of beauty in the late century. The parallel probably won't occur to every reader, but you might consider strengthening it.

It's a good attempt at a difficult subject, and I think it merits additional work.


All the best,
Brad

Thanks miya and Brad.

Yeah, the ending definitely needs changing, and I agree about the lines you pointed out. I'll work on some form of revision in the next couple of days.

Wow!

That was wonderful!

Very impressive.

I honestly don't see anywhere you absolutely need any changes. At all.

Woohoo! Go you!

Hahahaha... didn't see that coming! It's pretty... I like how it shows that words have lives of their own, but you said it a lot more poetically than I.

It makes me want to write, lol, just so I can see a bunch of pretty words swim...

melancholy, in a beautiful sense. and inspiring - it makes me want to continue the tradition of lonely words. very well-written. you took a good idea and pulled it off fine. i particularly liked the lines:

my white attire shining next to the cold
black lettering, blending to the snow-
shadowed background.

well done.

I agree with Brad on the ending thing, and the image of the text was a bit drawn out.