Photograph

Photograph
Dress pulled stiffly back by unseen pins
Hair held out, the wild branches of a bramble bush
A single girl, alone on a plain of curving emerald blades
Crying crystal tears
For a tree whose leaves are always red.

Please read and critique! The title gives it all away. I'm describing a photograph. Everything, the hair, dress, grass, tears, & tree are suspended in time. Did you get that when you read it?? [/i]

Unfortunately, no...you really don't pick that up. It's obvious that the poem is about a photograph, because of the title [this is why they make those things] but the poem itself is very confusing. It's just kind of...there. There doesn't seem to be a beginning or an end to it...it's just there. Why are you describing this photograph? What is so significant about it?

It needs more depth and a little more explaining, I think. Otherwise, it will be read and soon forgotten--there is nothing to spark the interest of the reader.

Descriptors are good...but you need more UMPH!

Happy Editing!
Meg

No, I didn't either, but with a few more adjustments you could get that feeling just right.

RR*

I agree with Roxanne and Write Me.

I can tell you're describing a photograph from the title, and even the first line might work towards this idea.

But afterwards you lose the jist completey. The emerald blades, the crystal tears -- it felt like you were trying to cram random imagery into a poem that may or may not have an need for it. Here, it does not need it.

I understand what you were trying to do here - but there's so much sureal images and random description that the reader loses what you were talking about in the first place: the photograph.

Better luck on the rewrite. ^_~

~Dream Deep

Okay I didn't know if you'd get it or not. Anyways.
Everything's basically frozen in time.

The dress is just flapping in the wind but it's in a photograph so it appears to be motionless. Same with the hair. The reason I said curving emerald blades was because they were curving from a breeze, really the grass. And she's crying crystal tears because a tear captured in time is like a stone, unmoving. The tree's leaves are always red because in a picture, they'll never change. It's suspended.

I guess a little too deep. Sorry. I thought it'd be easily understood.

I liked everything except the word "crystal"

Nah... it's good. Because it's not just the poem you look at -- it's the title as well. And because the title was "Photograph" this clues us in to think of it as a picture.

The words "emerald blades" is slightly confusing for me because blades can describe a lot of things -- for some reason, instead of grass, I thought it was shoulderblades, so I see a girl in a green dress, lol. And the first line is a little awkward... unseen pins? You mean it fits tightly around her, or something else?

So yeah, it was obvious, but you can work on some of the imagery to make it prettier.

My first thought on 'emerald blades' was a girl laying on a bed of swords...and I have no idea why haha.

Dress pulled stiffly back by unseen pins

Girl, wind, frozen image - photograph. You accomplished that in the first line. Unseen pins is more than a little awkward; it's pratically jarring on the ears.

Hair held out, the wild branches of a bramble bush
A single girl, alone on a plain of curving emerald blades
Crying crystal tears

Crystal tears is so overused..

For a tree whose leaves are always red.

Nice ending, punchline. I like.

Expand a bit. I favor your style.

Thanks for the comments. I meant it's pulled stiffly back by unseen pins in the way that when you go outside when it's windy, if you have the dress on the wind blows it back. I agree about the crystal tears. That's very overused. I think I"m going to think of something more original.

i love the line

Hair held out, the wild branches of a bramble bush

that was nice. but yeah, the emerald blades and crystal tears didn't really do it for me. still, good idea, nice subject matter

i liked it
it was sad.