Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 8)

Tasia nodded confidently.

Ky couldn’t. She took a drink of her juice, stretching it out as long as possible so it wouldn’t be obvious that she wasn’t actively eating. She wasn’t going to finish this plate. She couldn’t. Even if Aleth were alive to beat her for refusing food from their host. She’d just take the beating at this point. But he wasn’t — and no one would. So there was very little to lose, apart from possibly Sara and Gaius’s respect and approval. But. Well. It didn’t make her able to eat any more.

"How about you, Aashi? Are you feeling alright about the change?" Emery asked.
Gaius watched Ky falter in silence. She looked extremely unwell--he could relate; his own stomach had clenched itself up into a ball--and he expected she couldn't manage much more. At least her facade was dropping a little.

"Um..." Aashi hesitated, flashing a nervous smile. She had absolutely no poker face whatsoever. And they all knew it. But she couldn't very well spill her anxiety all over breakfast. And certainly not in front of her daughter. She was going to be stoic every single moment Tasia was watching her. "I suppose it will be a very different experience, no doubt!"

Tadaaki glanced over at Ky to see her reaction to all this talk about winter. Then his gaze filled with concern. She looked awful. Was it from the food? Or talk of the winter? Or just general distress about Zander and the Loquiturs and all that?

He reached under the table and put his hand on her knee, drawing her attention. She looked up at him. He shook his head slightly. There was no reason whatsoever to continue putting pressure on her to eat. Best case scenario would be her feeling awful for a few hours. More likely she'd throw it up, and then still feel awful afterward. No. She'd gotten at least a little food down and thankfully some juice, too, so she had calories to fuel her. No more.

She looked back at her plate, then up at him again, gaze anguished. She wanted to be able to finish it for him. But. She whispered, voice not really audible, even to him, "I can't."

"Don't," he agreed, just as quiet.

She took a deep breath and nodded. It made her feel better to have Tadaaki on her side with all this.

But. Well. She was still sitting near the people who would be watching her plate. And now that she thought about it more, it did bother her to be upsetting the Ashes. Maybe she could push on. She'd definitely throw up if she did. But they didn't have to watch her do that.

But they would definitely be watching how much she ate. At least, Gaius would be, for sure. She'd found once she stopped eating when she got upset, she became hyper-aware of who else also wasn't eating. He was no doubt doing the same.

She glanced at Sara, then at Gaius to see if he was angry with her. She doubted he'd mind her waste -- he was hardly on the verge of bankruptcy if she threw out a single egg. But it'd clearly bothered him when she didn't eat during their journey here. Would he still be upset with her? She was trying. Would he be able to see that?

Gaius gave no reaction other than a tiny nod. She'd had enough.
"I remember how nervous I was when it happened my first year here," Emery mused. "I bet you'll do just fine, Aashi. You seem like you have an active mind. That'll keep you going."

Thank gods. So they were all agreed. That was good. She nodded, too.

... or was it good? That he'd noticed how ill she felt? Gods. That meant... gods. She swallowed hard and picked up her cup and looked down into it, not sure what to do with herself if she wasn't going to eat anything else. She didn't want to answer any questions.

"Hopefully!" Aashi agreed, still smiling nervously. "I'm sure it won't be that--" bad. "... that it will be good! It, um. Yeah. I mean. Yeah, it'll be great! For sure. I'm sure there will, uh, be, um. Yeah." She nodded.

"That's pretty much what I said to Gaius," Emery chuckled. "It takes some getting used to. I was terribly depressed for the first winter. But there are ways of countering that!"

"Oh? Like what?" Aashi was still smiling, but it faded ever so slightly. That was exactly what she feared. Her mind wasn't active, it was over-active. And that made it extremely destructive when she was upset. Tasia was, quite honestly, the only reason she was still here. She'd fallen into such a massive depression after Tadaaki was taken that she hadn't thought she'd ever get out of. Through a lot of time and effort -- her own, and that of her friends and family -- she'd learned how to cope. To stay active and get fresh air and feel the sun upon her skin and remember she was part of nature even as she enjoyed it. She had no idea whatsoever what she was going to do with herself once all those coping skills were taken from her at once.

"Well, I do a lot of exercise when I get tired, but sometimes I just sleep for long periods of time and stop fighting it. It's the fighting that makes things so difficult, I think."

Aashi nodded. "What sorts of exercises?"

She'd never exercised inside, before. And she certainly wasn't going outside when all this happened. And no chance Tasia would let her sleep for long. So, well... she'd take any suggestions he had.

"The stretchy sort and the sort where I run around the entire Keep a couple times every morning." He gave a lopsided grin. "And of course I try new hobbies every now and then, like candlemaking."
"Never again," Gaius said dryly. The entire Keep had stunk of scented wax and animal fat for the better part of the winter. He had no intention of seeing that repeated.

Aashi laughed a little at that. "That hobby didn't go so well, I take it?"

Emery shrugged sheepishly. "I'm not a tradesman, I'm afraid. I do like to do art, though. That keeps me busy!"

"Oh?" Aashi smiled, interested. "What mediums do you use?"

"Painting, sculpting, and charcoal drawing mostly. Painting gets difficult in the cold though..."

Aashi cringed sympathetically at that. Did it get so cold that paint froze? Gods. "I'd like to see some of your work sometime, if you don't mind!"