“I’m sorry,” she murmured quickly, eyes wide as she finally caught herself. She was being so disrespectful. What kind of asshole did you have to be to demand an apology from Gaius of all people? Her guilt finally replaced the anger. Like it was supposed to. She wasn’t supposed to feel angry. Wasn’t supposed to vocalize it even when she did. Certainly wasn’t supposed to yell at a Lord. Gods. What was wrong with her? He didn’t deserve to suffer from her feelings. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right. “I-I didn’t mean— I don’t know what came over me. You haven’t done anything wrong; I’m just being rude. I’m sorry.”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"No need to apologize." Gaius was still confused; what had he done to offend her? And how quickly she'd snapped from angry to apologetic. Was she still afraid of him or was this just how she was? "If I overstepped, I'm the one who should be apologizing."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
“You haven’t done anything to apologize for,” she insisted. “You just looked at me and I lashed out. It’s on me. I’m sorry.”
Gods, was he blaming himself? She hadn’t meant for that to happen. Hadn’t meant to lose control of her anger, however briefly. What was she becoming? Something Papa wouldn’t recognize, that’s for sure.
“I don’t know why I’ve let myself get so rude this morning,” she murmured, deciding she needed to prove it was her fault rather than his. It made her uncomfortable that he’d apologized. Twice now. When she was the one clearly in the wrong. “I’ve nothing to be angry about.” She had plenty to be angry about. But she didn’t want to feel it. Anger frightened her. Even her own. Maybe especially her own. Papa always said that the only person she could control was herself — and it was clear she couldn’t even do that anymore. “I don’t know why I’m acting like there is. It’s sheer petulance. And I’m sorry.”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"You've got more to be angry about than the average person," Gaius disagreed. "You've got got three years' worth of things to be angry about, plus the events of last night. It's only natural a little comes out. I'm surprised you're not angrier, to be honest."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
“I don’t want to be angry.” She sighed, frustrated with herself, and rubbed her eyes, pressing her palm against her eye and wishing she could do so with both hands. “It doesn’t help anything — it just makes me hurt other people. My father always said ‘hurting people, hurt people’ and I don’t want… there’s nothing to be gained by me being a jerk.”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Perhaps not if you're unkind to people, but you can always let the anger out in other ways. Stab a pillow or something." Gaius shrugged. "Go out riding and scream at the sky."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky nodded with a sigh as she finally lowered her hand. Frustrated. She had no more ability to stop herself from being angry than she’d had to stop Aleth from giving her things to be angry about.
“He’s never going to leave me alone. I’m going to have to deal with him for the rest of my entire life.” She huffed another sigh, letting herself cop the slightest attitude since it wasn’t directed at him and he didn’t seem upset by it. “And gods only know how long that will be if I’m not allowed to speed it up.”
She wished she wasn’t so young. Wished she had the hope of a natural death soon. And yet that didn’t seem likely. If last night didn’t give her a literal heart attack and make her body shut down, she didn’t know what would. Which meant she’d have to deal with this. Another fifty years? Sixty? If she was truly unlucky — which she seemed to be — then perhaps even another seventy. And she didn’t want a single day more, much less seventy more years of days for her to marinate in her misery.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
Gaius frowned. "Would you care to talk about that a bit more, then?" She hadn't given up on the idea, then.
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she huffed, getting annoyed again. But not at him this time. At herself. And possibly, the slightest bit, at Tomhas. “He made me promise so I’m not going to do it.” Probably. “But it seems much harder to ask me to live for someone than it is to die for them. But I promised I’d do it, so I guess I’m stuck with that. No matter how much I don’t want to.”
She wasn’t sure what was coming over her. Actively talking about how much she wanted to die. It was a heavy burden to put on someone. She shouldn’t be forcing Gaius to carry her bad emotions; he wasn’t Papa— he hadn’t offered to take them. He’d offered a talk that was far more painful than he probably anticipated. And here she was, making herself his problem. Again.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"I find promises burdensome," Gaius mused. "But a challenge is more fun. There's the potential for reward if you complete a challenge, is there not?"
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
She agreed. It was burdensome. Already. And she’d only made it a few hours ago. “What reward could possibly come from this?”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
Gaius watched her with a glint in his eye. "I'll offer you the challenge. Survive yourself for...let's say two weeks. If you can make it, I'll give you a reward." Making a game of it; how very Michael of him. But she would be better off for it, unlike when he played Michael's games.
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
She hesitated, looking at him suspiciously. She wasn’t sure at all what her emotions were doing just then. Her pride wanted to win. She was entirely too competitive to back down from a challenge. But— “What reward?”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"I believe that would spoil the surprise." He straightened. "Wait two weeks, survive two weeks, and you'll find out. Do we have a deal?"
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Well, now she was intrigued. She’d probably just feel guilty if he gave her anything else — he and Sara had already spent far, far too much money on her. And yet she was curious to know what he had in mind. She’d win this challenge. And even if she didn’t, then she’d get something much better. So it was a win-win for her regardless.
“I mean…” She settled back further into the pillows. “I already promised. So I’m going to win, regardless.”
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
