Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 5)

Ky swallowed hard at the story, trying hard to hide her horror, but failing. First at the sort of man he was. And then at the thought of what his punishment had been. And then at the realization that she didn't think it was particularly unjust, given what sort of a monster he was. It was a trip of emotions.

But it landed in a good spot.

"I guess that's a better way to think of it," she murmured, nodding slowly as she contemplated his words. "I guess I'm just scared if I start deciding who deserves to hurt, then there will be nothing to check me -- and what if it leads to me becoming cruel myself? Aleth always thought he was right about hurting people, even when he was wrong -- but he didn't see it that way. And I don't want to be like him."

"I'm not sure you could ever be like him. I expect you'll be a fine adult, kind and intelligent. But you're allowed to savor cruelties done to cruel people. It doesn't mean you yourself are terrible."

Ky scratched her chin, contemplating the matter. It was reassuring that he didn't think Aleth had permanently tainted her with his poison. But also, wasn't enjoying cruelty in itself cruel, regardless of whether they deserved it or not? She didn't know. But she couldn't very well make that case without sounding like she was accusing Gaius of being a terrible person. Which she didn't believe -- he seemed quite decent, regardless of his own cynical opinions of himself. But it was a complicated matter and she wasn't sure whether she agreed with him or not. She nodded at last.

Gaius wasn't entirely convinced she agreed with him, and he was fine with that. They were two different people with two different lives; their opinions were bound to differ.

Ky was grateful he didn't push the matter. She was going to fold if he did. Someone had to give, and it was always her that did the giving. It was nice to leave it at a comfortable draw. Or, well, she supposed she didn't have a solid counter-argument, so perhaps it wasn't a proper draw. But he wasn't hounding her into submitting to his view, which was nice. She could take time to form her own opinions this way.

She settled back on the pillows more. Her arm was hurting her again, but she was careful not to let it show.

Gaius remained seated with the pillows propped behind him; he didn't feel like shifting himself anymore. That would just hurt more.

Ky was quiet for another moment. Her mind drifted back to earlier. She’d been actively refusing to think about it. To distract herself by talking to Gaius. But now the silence screamed the truth. She’d almost died last night. And came even closer to dying this morning. To killing herself. It was an unsettling thought. And yet she couldn’t tell if she was in the right person in the wrong here. It WAS going to be an absurd amount of effort to track down all the people she’d listen. Staying here WAS going to make things hellish on the political front with Levin. And offing herself WAS the only way she was going to feel better about it all. Nothing else would ease her guilt at drawing assassins this close to Tomhas and his entire immediate and extended family. And it didn’t matter how charitable they all tried to be and pretend like it wasn’t her fault. It WAS. And there was no way around it.

Gaius was simply marveling at how composed Ky seemed compared to earlier this morning. She was speaking enthusiastically with him, smiling as if nothing had happened. He was sure that wasn't how she was feeling beneath the surface, so that was something to keep an eye on. If she was still thinking about hurting herself in some way, she'd be more careful next time. She'd have to be watched more closely. Gaius supposed that was another reason to have her come to Serpent Keep; there would be people for her to relate to, and an entire library for her to immerse herself in.

She had to stop.

She’d made a promise.

A promise to one of the most wonderful men in the entire world.

She had to keep it. It had only been a few hours and she was already tempted to go back on her promise.

It was hard to tell which was worse: her guilt at drawing the assassins here, or the guilt that came with the thought of hurting Tomhas with her death.

But something had to give.

She had to do something about this before it ate her alive.

“… Do you know how to make yourself forget?” she murmured after several long moments of silence, voice quiet.

Gaius glanced over at her, brow furrowing. "A difficult question to answer," he said after a pause. "I'm not sure you ever can, unless your mind decides for itself that it's had too much. And it depends on how much you want to forget." He looked away, down at his leg. "You can fool yourself into thinking you've forgotten, sometimes. You can take yourself to a place far from where bad things happened and make a new life, or you can surround yourself by loved ones or material worth, or knowledge. Maybe you'll forget forest of the day, maybe for a few weeks, even. But it's always there at the back of your mind."

Ky nodded. She didn't know what her mind thought about it, but she had certainly had too much. She laid her right arm over her abdomen and rubbed the scars through her shirt. Aleth had cut a bit too deep on one of the flowers close to her left hip so the scar was raised more than the others, and left a slight ridge that she could feel through the fabric. She ended up rubbing it a lot, anytime she got upset.

"I wish there was a medicine you could take to get rid of memories like you can get rid of a sinus infection," she murmured. It was a juvenile wish. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one filled up first, is what Aleth would always say. And yet. Imagine how much better life would be if she could just blow Aleth out of her nose and onto a tissue.

"It would have to be a selective medicine," Gaius mused. "But I'm not sure I'd want it, even then. I am who I am because what I've lived through. I don't want to let go of myself just yet."

Ky was silent for a moment, considering. She supposed it would be different if you were born into your trauma and had to deal with it from the moment you were born. It'd probably be disconcerting to not know why your hand or leg was damaged. She supposed the same would be true of the scars on her abdomen.

But it'd fix the way she flinched every time someone moved too suddenly. Would make her not stop breathing when there was even the slightest hint of a conflict. Make her back in the girl that wanted to please people because it made her feel nice, rather than because she feared for her safety if she didn't.

"I guess so," she murmured. But she was more than happy to let go of Kyber. Maybe even willing to give up the rest of herself, too. She wanted to remember her Papa, of course, but it wouldn't hurt this excruciatingly much to miss him if she'd never known him. The same for her childhood friends. Perhaps things would be better if she could get a blank sheet and start from scratch.

Or, maybe it'd be better to just shut her book entirely and end the story where it stood now. That seemed better.

"I suppose everybody has a different experience, though," Gaius said thoughtfully. "I can't say Tomhas and I had the same childhood, nor did we come out of it the same as each other. He might wish to forget. Cecily might wish to forget. I expect that's why she is the way she is." He felt a bit sick as his mind sorted through the various things he might want to forget. The fox was one thing in particular he would have loved to purge from his memories.

Ky nodded, then was startled at her next thought: Cecily. Is that why she used drugs? To forget? If Ky got her hands on some glassweed (?), would she also be able to forget all these terrible memories? Would alcohol fix this? She'd never been affected by something more than a very, very mild buzz when she had a second glass of mead before she'd eaten much. She'd certainly never been drunk or high before. She'd never wanted to be.

...But would it fix this?