Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 4)

"I'll let her know you're down here then," Tomhas sighed, and gave Anneke another kiss. "I'll be back for you, my love."
"Mm." Anneke suppressed another yawn. "Good luck, dear." Tomhas nodded to her and dipped his head to Ana.
"I'll help you up to your room as well," he told her, then hurried out of the library. Where were they? One of the towers, maybe? Or perhaps an empty room? Or maybe...hm.
He headed downstairs and outside into the cold, feet crunching in the hardened snow. The night was clear for once, and he could see the moon and stars above.

"How about you?" Ky asked.

"I mean... same." Tadaaki shrugged. "It's whatever."

"... I mean, it's not great," Ky said after a moment.

"... no," Tadaaki agreed. "But I think that's going to be one of the things that takes longest for me -- if it ever goes away. My monkey brain is just terrified of me not being conscious."

Ky nodded. She understood. "It's helped me to sleep with a lamp. I feel like an idiot little child asking for a nightlight, as if I expect a monster under my bed."

"... you did have a monster lurking around your bed, though," Tadaaki pointed out. "I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want proof he's not there."

Ky took a deep breath and hesitated, then nodded. "It does help... maybe you could try?"

Tomhas went to the ice garden first and, finding no one there, headed for the stables. It was the warmest place out here, after all. And the quietest, save for the horses. He paused at the stable door, hearing voices.

"Maybe," Tadaaki agreed. "I don't know my pride would let me do that, though."

"Why not?" Ky asked, cocking her head to peer up at him.

"I'm supposed to be the man of the family." He sighed, frustrated. "The protector. The provider. And I'm scared of shadows in the dark. It's unbecoming."

"Screw what's becoming," Ky said. "You've got to do everything you can to at least try to get some rest sometimes. It's not good for us to not sleep."

"I know, but... gods, it's so much worse when I sleep," Tadaaki muttered. "The blood, and the knives, and the whips -- it just never stops. Never. And there's nothing I can do about it when I'm asleep. At least when I'm awake I can attempt to distract myself. Not... wake up..."

"Crying?" Ky suggested. "I still do that a lot."

"... me too," he admitted. "Me too."

Tomhas closed his eyes tightly and turned away, then took a deep breath and went back inside. No way he was going to interrupt that conversation. No way he wanted to eavesdrop on it. Memories stirred, nightmares, and the chattering of his teeth grew louder. He shut the door behind him and sat down against it, digging his hands into his hair to try and slow them down or stop them. He had to be strong, he was safe now. He'd been safe for years. He had to be there for Ky and Lyra and Tadaaki; panicking about ghosts and bleeding wasn't going to help anyone. Bleeding had never helped, it never stopped and it never slowed the blows. It didn't help that Reeve's son, and it didn't help Tomhas. It didn't help Gaius or Sera or Cecily, or even Mother. It wasn't helping him right now as his hands curled through his hair and back into themselves, and the blood stiffened in the strands. Gods, why couldn't he control himself?
Tomhas drew his knees up to his chest, breathing in quick, shallow breaths.
You have a third sibling, then?
So many siblings, two dead, one he'd never met, who'd never grown up, who never got the chance to protect them. One he wished had died in the womb.

(Aashi really out here fucking them all up xD)

"I honestly just don't know how to explain it to them," Tadaaki said. "How do you tell a four-year-old why Papa wakes up crying? Or why he flinches when you drop a toy or run up for a hug too fast?"

Ky didn't know.

"And I don't know what to say to Aashi, either," Tadaaki scrubbed his face. "She wants to help so badly and I know it hurts her when I shut her out, but... I just can't seem to let her in, regardless. I don't want my hurt to become her hurt. It's not her job to bear it for me."

Ky was silent for a long moment. She wanted to argue. To point out that spouses were supposed to bear each others' burdens. But she didn't. Because she understood. She understood wanting to be calm and put together and pretend that she wasn't constantly one shouted word away from a breakdown.

(What a sweetheart but she accidentally poisoned their evening didn't she)

(Poor thing)

Tomhas forced his hands away from his hair, feeling the slickness on them--how deep had his nails cut?--and telling himself not to look. Aleth flashed into his mind, entrails spilled partway out of his stomach as his life poured out of him and melted the snow. Tomhas recalled, vividly and with almost overwhelming nausea, how calmly Gaius had pressed his cane into the dying man's wound. There'd been nothing in his brother's eyes; he'd looked as dead as anyone could get. Yet his lips moved and Tomhas thought he'd seen the ghost of a smile on his face when Aleth screamed.
Did he have two monsters for brothers, or just one? Did it matter? One of them was always on his side, after all--well, almost always.

"Perhaps you could try a compromise?" Ky suggested. "Maybe... I don't know. Maybe... just figure out how she can help? And ask for that?"

"How so?" Tadaaki asked.

"I don't know," Ky admitted. "I've never had a partner. But maybe, like, instead of telling her why you woke up crying -- you could tell her what you need in that moment? Like. A hug. Or back rub. Or snack. Or space. Find a way to let her feel like she's helping? Even if you don't want to tell her..."

Everything.

She didn't blame him. It was humiliating what had happened to them. What they hadn't been able to stop. It wasn't his fault, of course. But, then, she supposed rationally it wasn't her fault, either -- and yet it very much felt like it was. She wasn't going to tell him to just stop feeling what he felt.

"Father?" Tomhas flinched and looked up to see Lyra standing a few feet away.
"Lyra," he mumbled, getting to his feet. "I'm sorry. I was just--"
"I know." She let out a small sigh. "Where's Ky?"
"Stable." Tomhas rubbed at his head. "She's talking to Tadaaki. Do you need something, little ghost?" Lyra glanced over her shoulder, hugging her arms to herself.
"Are you alright?" she asked hesitantly. "You look ill."
Did he really? He felt ill, too, he supposed. The blood....
"I'll be okay," he decided, not feeling very sure of himself. "I can be there for you, Lyra. If you need."
Lyra glanced down at his palms, frowning.
"What did you do?"

(Yes!! They’re about to have A Moment I can feel it xD)

“I mean… I guess,” Tadaaki admitted. “But she wants to fix it. And she can’t.”

“I know,” Ky answered. “Gods do I know. But we’re not on our own anymore. If we can help each other, we can let other people help us.”

“It’s different,” he sighed.

“It absolutely is,” Ky agreed, also sighing. “They can’t possibly understand. But we don’t want then to understand. If they understood, they’d be as messed up as we are. We don’t want that for the people we care about.”

She certainly didn’t want it for Tomhas or Lyra. Or Tadaaki either.

“Yeah.” Tadaaki sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. “I’m going to have to explain what I did, though.”

“You can be vague. No one needs to know what the monster did to us or to your parents. I’m finding spilling my guts to be cathartic.” She shrugged. “It’s nice to not have to keep secrets anymore.”

Tadaaki nodded. Ky had had to deal with so much more than he did. The more Aleth was around you, the more likely it was that he’d find something to criticize and consequently discipline. And Ky was in the same room with him nearly every single moment she was awake. That was a long time to hold your breath.

“… I don’t tell them everything, though,” Ky admitted. “It’s… embarrassing.”

Tadaaki nodded again. It really was.

(I got myself so super sad about this rp and this story this morning)

"These?" He chanced a glance down at his hands and winced. "Oh...things didn't go so well after you left. Things were said by parties who...don't know us very well. Aashi's trying to cope with Tadaaki's situation, and she overstepped, I think. It was...stressful."
"Do you need to talk about it?" Lyra asked, glancing down toward the sitting room.
Tomhas opened his mouth, wanting to say no, that he was fine. She was the one to be concerned about; he'd been dealing with this his whole life. Instead he sighed. "You shouldn't have to deal with your father's problems, Lyra," he murmured. "Gods know you have bigger issues to be working through."
"I don't want to think about it," she replied, voice sharper than she'd intended. Tomhas flinched as if struck, then his shoulders slumped.
"Of course." He dipped his head. "I'm sorry. Yes, let's go talk." Lyra exhaled heavily, shuddering.
"You should get some salve on your hands," she told him. "It looks pretty bad."
"Oh." Tomhas thumbed at one of the little cuts, then shook his head. "It can wait; they're not that deep. Come on." He walked past her towards the sitting room. Lyra watched him, then glanced back at the door and followed.

(Aww nuuuu I’m happy to timeskippy whenever you want <3)

“I don’t know how you do it,” Tadaaki murmured.

“Do what?” It’s not like she had to deal with anything he didn’t.

“Carry the weight of his secrets,” Tadaaki said. “I wasn’t allowed to have secrets, obviously. But aside from you being a girl, and aside from lying about what he did if I was asked, I wasn’t asked to keep any secrets for him. He never stopped dumping his secrets onto you.”

“Oh.” She frowned. He was right. She did have to deal with that.

“I’m sorry,” Tadaaki murmured, feeling Ky’s energy change.

“Don’t be.” She shrugged it off. “I don’t have to keep his secrets anymore. I’m free to tell anyone I want.”

“But when he comes back…”

He didn’t know. “Tomhas killed him, Aaki.”

Tadaaki looked down at her in shock. Then fear stabbed through his gut. “That means the assassins are coming.”

Ky nodded and sighed. “They are…”

(I'm good to time skip as well! I feel like I'm cutting out on you though cuz you've done some great trauma writing just now and I'd be willing to have one or two posts where Tomhas just struggles to keep himself together and explain how he got triggered over a few minor questions from Aashi)

(Aww thanks! But nah, I’m running out of content too lol where do you want to skip to?)

(We can skip to next morning or afternoon! We have to get Ky riding outside the Keep, though. Would she believably do that alone or would she prefer to have someone with her? I think I know the answer)