Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 4)

(Okie dokie gonna pop it in a spoiler so it doesn't take up too much space)

Spoiler

So when Gaius was a toddler Michael played this game with himself to see how sick he could make his little brother. He'd sneak gross stuff into Gaius's food like dog shit and bad berries and stuff. Gaius would naturally get ill and throw up all over the place and his parents would have to clean it up. This went on for about a year and a half and Michael put worse and worse stuff in there until finally Septimus was like "Son you have to stop." Michael wouldn't listen and that was the first time Michael actually got punished for something. Gaius got really, really sick the final time and almost died, and then that was that. Everybody was forbidden from mentioning the incident and Gaius just stored it in his repressed memories, but he feels ill any time he has to eat something because his subconscious remembers what used to happen when he ate food.

Sara glanced out one of the narrow windows of the dining hall, frowning as she saw it was completely dark outside. "Oh, gods--look at the time! It's well past your bedtimes, you two," she said to the twins, who immediately let out groans of protests.
"Can't we stay up longer? Why do we have to go to bed?" Marcella complained.
"Because you have to sleep if you want to grow up big and strong," Sara replied, rising.
"It's high time you and Peter got off to bed as well," Anneke said to Oscar, and she eased herself out of the chair with a small grunt. "Come along, dears."
"Oh, you sit down and rest yourself!" Tomhas insisted, helping her back down. "I'll put them to bed, dear."
"Will Mattathias and Marcella sleep in the nursery with Regulus like last time?" Sara asked him, and he gave a nod.
"Seems like a logical approach. Their luggage has already been brought up there as well."

(Yikesssss)

"Ah, yes, good point," Aashi said, also standing up, but Tasia's eyelids were already drooping and she made no protest as her mother scooped her up to take her to bed. "Could someone point me to where we should go?"

Tadaaki wouldn't be there. Ky knew he wouldn't. You never went where people would expect you to be if you were upset. That's how people found you. And that made things worse. Stables? Probably, if the stableboys had let him. Or maybe he went to the garden? Or found an empty room in the Keep? She'd need to look for him.

And this seemed to be her excuse to do just that, so she stood up as well.

(Michael was, in some ways, worse than Joffrey Baratheon)

"Allow me." Tomhas hoisted Peter into his arms and took Oscar by the hand. "This way! I'll show you both to your rooms."
"Are we done?" Anneliese asked, brow furrowed. "Okay; I'm going to the library. Mother, do you want some help getting up?"
"Thank you." Anneke smiled and accepted the proffered hand. She rose and went to her aunt's wheelchair. "Where to, Auntie?"
"Find me that brother in-law of yours," Ana told her. Wick stood as well.

(He's so awful lol)

Ky nodded to them and quietly slipped into the hall, heading in the opposite direction that she knew Tomhas would be leading the others. She'd check the stables first. That's where he usually hid.

"Thank you," Aashi answered, stepping back to allow Tomhas to take the lead.

(I have sorrow but no regret)

Tomhas strode ahead of her. "We've got you up three flights in one of the guest rooms. Tasia can have a room of her own, she can sleep in the nursery with the little ones, or she can stay with you and Tadaaki. What would you prefer?"

"Thank you," Aashi said, dipping her head. "I think all three of us would be less anxious if we stayed together if that's alright? Tasia's never spent a night out of the room with me."

Ky slipped out into the crisp air outside and quickly made her way to the stables. There was a singular lamp lighting the main aisle but the stalls on either side of her were dark. She could hear the quiet breathing of the horses around her but otherwise, it was silent. Peaceful.

"Aaki?" Ky said gently.

There was a long silence. Then, "What?"

Ky followed the sound to a storage room. Tadaaki was sitting on a bale of hay, knees pulled up to his chest. She strode in and sat on a hay bale next to him -- but didn't crowd him. "Hey."

"Hey." He sniffled, clearly trying to swallow down the tears. "Is dinner over?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I walked out," he said. "I couldn't... I just couldn't."

"It's okay," Ky assured him. She stretched out her hand to rest it on his shoulder comfortingly -- moving slow enough he saw it coming and didn't flinch at her touch. "I understand. And everyone else does, too... well... they can't understand it like we do, but... but I don't think anyone faults you for needing a bit of time for yourself."

"Certainly!" Tomhas nodded to her. "I'll get some servants to bring your luggage to your rooms." He kept walking. "And, er, don't feel too bad about dinner. We're not the easiest family to talk to. And I think Sara and Anneke both have an idea of what you're going through, with Tadaaki and all." He lowered his voice, glancing at Tasia. "He needs time. Things like this take awhile to settle. You'll have him back sooner or later."

"Thank you," Aashi said, genuinely appreciative of his kind words. Tasia snuggled into Aashi's shoulder, falling asleep as they walked. "I'm trying so very hard to be the wife he deserves -- but then I go and do things like I did at dinner and upset him. And he's never angry at me. He is such a gentle and patient man. But I keep hurting him and don't mean to."


"No, I should have just dealt with it like a man," Tadaaki said, shaking his head. "I wouldn't have been able to just walk away like that if we were still with Aleth. I would have kept it together. I should have kept it together and not embarrassed you and Lord and Lady Loquitur. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Ky countered. "And I'm not embarrassed. Neither are Tomhas or Anneke. You know Tomhas has a history as bad as we do. And so does Ash. They all understand."

Well, Wick and Ana probably didn't. And Anneke and Sara probably couldn't ever fully understand it. There was just no way to describe the gut-wrenching terror of someone standing over you with the means and inclination to hurt you until you were on the brink of death -- only to let you heal so they could do it all over again.

The way your breath caught in your chest. The way your throat constricted in an instant, even now, at the slightest hint of something that even remotely reminded you of your past. It was a hell she wouldn't wish on anyone.

"Gods, I don't want to be like this, Ky." Tadaaki buried his face in his hands. "I hate what Aleth has turned me into. I flinch every time my wife touches me. Tremble when my daughter raises her voice even a little. Aashi's a woman who deserves to be able to touch her husband as much as she desires; Tasia's a tiny child who should be able to hoot and holler as much as her little heart desires. And I'm taking that from them by being... so..."

"I understand," Ky said, voice gentle. "I'm still so jumpy all the time. And fall all over myself apologizing and complimenting and sir-ing at the drop of a hat if I think I've upset anyone, including a tiny child. Aleth fucked us both up. And I hate it."

"I'll let you in on something not so secret," Tomhas said after a beat. "For all the times someone makes a mistake like the one you did, and they're trying to be there for their loved one, then there are a hundred more times where you've done something to light up their life and make them forget, even for a moment. It will get better with time." He sighed. "Anneke and Sara are better equipped to help than I am, though. Reach out to them, if you like. They might have an idea of what you're experiencing."

"I appreciate that." Aashi nodded, relaxing ever so slightly. "I can't even imagine what he's been through. Or..." Was she supposed to know that he had a complicated history? Probably not. "Do you have any insight on how I can better understand? I want so badly to help him get better."


"Why did she bring...?" Tadaaki sighed. "I didn't mean to get so upset with her. I overreacted."

"I don't think you overreacted," Ky answered gently. "I can't even begin to imagine what that was like for you -- and I was in hell under Aleth alongside you. What he did was so not okay. And it's okay for you to be upset by it. It'd be more concerning if you weren't upset by it, honestly."

Tadaaki took a shaky breath. "I know she didn't mean anything by it."

"I think you're right," Ky answered gently. "She strikes me as someone with a habit of talking faster than she thinks. She seemed to feel very, very badly about it after you left. I don't think she meant it to be malicious."

"I know she didn't," Tadaaki said with a sigh, rubbing his face. "This is my mess, not hers. And she keeps throwing salt in my wounds without even realizing that it's raw... there are so many things that still feel so raw."

"There are," Ky agreed, nodding. She gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze. "But I daresay the wounds will heal up with time... our torsos did, eventually."

Tomhas exhaled, shifting his sleepy toddler to his other arm. "Everybody has different demons, and they react to them differently. I can't explicitly say what might help, because I don't know what would work for Tadaaki. Patience, I think, is one of the most important things. And talk to him, ask him what he needs. Keep that communication line open." He rested his chin on Peter's head. "And know the difference between what he wants and what he needs. I didn't realize how important that was."

Aashi nodded, taking mental notes. She was definitely going to see if she could get a moment alone with Anneke or Sara or both... maybe Sara. Anneke seemed to have enough on her plate with the pregnancy and adoption and whatnot. But it was helpful getting advice from the source, too. She was trying so, so hard not to poke at any of Tomhas's sore spots, even though she didn't know where they might be. "How so?"


Ky and Tadaaki sat in silence for a long moment before he spoke again. "I hope you're right. I'll never be the same man I was before I knew that the fucking devil existed and what he could do to me. To us. But... I just hope I'll be able to be okay with the new me."

"Same," Ky agreed. "Believe it or not, I used to be a lot like Aashi."

Tadaaki's eyebrows shot up. "But you've always been so guarded."

"I was a slave two years before Aleth got ahold of me," Ky reminded. "It wasn't anywhere near as bad as Aleth, but I got my teeth kicked in several times for not keeping my mouth shut. I was better at it by the time we met... and I wasn't even good at it, then."

Tadaaki nodded. Ky had been more of a firecracker when she first came to Aleth. Not bubbly or talkative by any means. But willful. Opinionated. Stubborn. All traits that did not mix well with being one of Aleth's possessions. It had hurt to watch Aleth drain that out of her.

"But I do think there's hope for the two of us, yet," Ky said. "Aleth broke us, but he didn't build us back into his image, either. We're scared and timid and submissive -- but we're not cruel. We're not like him, not even a little. We just got hurt by him. And we have to learn how to not be hurt by him."

Tomhas closed his eyes for a moment.
"Father?" Oscar stuffed at his trousers. "Father?" Tomhas sighed and looked down, forcing a smile.
"What's up, Oscar?"
"I gotta use the chamber pot."
"Ah." He nodded. "Right, okay. Gimme a sec, son." He turned to Aashi. "Um, well, sometimes I want to spend a few days completely alone, but Anneke knows that's not...well, it's not realistic and it's not very healthy. So she fixes me a cup of tea and we sit together quietly for awhile. Then I start to feel better. It's little things like that, you know?"

"That makes sense." Aashi nodded. "Sometimes he does this thing where he goes so still and his eyes go so distant and he's there but he's not there. And I never know what he needs in those moments."


"My brain can't picture you being the same as Aashi," Tadaaki mused.

"If you knew me when I was little, you wouldn't be able to picture me how I am now," she answered sadly. "I'm never going to be like that again... and I'm trying to learn how to be okay with that. I don't have to be exactly how I used to be. I just... there are things I'm trying so hard to focus on fixing. That's what I really care about for now."

Tadaaki nodded. "I'm trying so hard to be okay with sudden movement."

"Me too." Ky also nodded. She hated the surge of terror that stabbed through her every single time there was a sudden movement -- even with something as benign as Aashi trying to hug her earlier. "I'm trying to remember what it's like to be part of a family."

Tadaaki's cheek twitched.

"Sorry," she said.

"Don't be." He shook his head. "I am so happy for you, Ky. Everyone deserves a family. And I've got mine, even if I haven't got my parents anymore. You don't have..."

It was her turn to flinch a little. He had roots put down; connected to his wife and his daughter and their township and his career. Things weren't the same by any stretch of the imagination. But he had a life to go back to.

Where Ky was trying to figure out her entire life from scratch.

"Sorry," he murmured. "You do have a family now. And they are very kind."

"Ask him," Tomhas suggested. "Sometimes he may need those moments, but sometimes he needs to be reminded that he's in the present." He was shivering a bit, though he wasn't cold; talking about important or grave matters always did this to him, and he was struggling to keep his teeth from chattering. "I hope that helps. I'm not--I'm not very good at giving advice about how to help with that sort of thing."