Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 4)

"Wonderful!" Harold clapped his hands. "Seeing a frog is now on my to-do list, after signing adoption papers, negotiating with foreign powers, and quelling unapproved war."

“It should be before all that,” Tasia said. “It’s more important.”

“Tasia.” Tadaaki sighed and rubbed his face. “You’re pushing it.”

“Fiiiine. I guess making Ky one of Mr. Tomhas’s kids is more importanter but that’ll be over soon so then the frog is more important.”

That sent a fresh spike of anxiety through Ky’s gut. She was careful to keep it off her face, but she had a strong impulse that she could only barely resist to start pacing again.

“Patience is a virtue, dear,” Aashi murmured. “You don’t get to tell people what’s important to them.”

And certainly not a king. But she knew Tasia wouldn’t understand the gravity of that so she decided not to push it.

"I'll try to fit it into my schedule," he promised. "But have you ever seen a white fox?"

“What’s that?” she asked eagerly, perking back up. “Is it like a frog from the North?”

Gods. The attention was going to be on Ky so soon. And now the king was here again. And she was afraid Tomhas was still upset with her. And the whole adoption ceremony thing. And what if she did something stupid? Or, or—

She started pacing again along the wall, trying to stay far enough from the chairs it wouldn’t be excessively noticeable.

"You don't have foxes?" Harold asked in surprise.
"They're mostly out in the desert," Tomhas piped up. "They're smaller, and they've got big ears."
"How interesting!" Harold nodded to himself. "Very interesting. Well, little miss, they're like pointy dogs, I suppose. Pointy, fluffy white dogs."
"We have pictures somewhere, I'm sure," Tomhas added. "And they change color with the seasons."

“That’s so cool!” Tasia started bouncing in Aashi’s lap again, grinning broadly. “So they’re like the leaves? They start green and then turn red and orange so the foxes turn white in winter but what color do they turn in summer?”

Ky was going to say something stupid. She was going to stumble over what Skald Taro told her to say and she was going to say something with a completely different meaning and then she was going to ruin the entire day for everyone. And now Zander was here, too. And so he was going to realize she grew up to be stupid. And then he was going to be embarrassed that he admitted that they were related in front of the king because he wouldn’t want to have a stupid family member and—

Zander glanced at her, but then carefully kept himself faced towards the conversation. It was clear she was fretting about something. The ceremony? Or was there something else on her mind? He supposed he hadn’t really asked her if anything else was going on that he should know about. Was she getting cold feet? It would make things a bit sticky if she decided to back out this last minute.

Tomhas saw her panicking and made eye contact with her, trying to see if she needed to talk.
"They're white in the winter and brownish in the summer, but only in the southern part of the Realm," Harold explained. "And there's also a type that's red all year."

“I wanna see a red one! Do you have have a pet one?”

And then Ky was going to make everyone hate her. And then the Loquiturs would regret bringing her onboard because she was going to embarrass Anneke and Tomhas—

And he was looking at her. She stopped pacing to make eye contact with him for a long moment, her anxiety growing each millisecond. Did he already regret it? Was that what this look meant? Was he annoyed at how anxious she was getting. God, she really wasn’t cut out to be a noble. She was far too anxious and stupid and and and every other bad thing that she could be.

Tomhas flicked his eyes toward the door.
"I'm afraid not," Harold replied. "They can be tamed, I think, but not often."
"Yes," Tomhas said absently, distracted for a moment by that. "Yeah, you can keep them as pets." He grimaced.

(Oh god we’re back to Trauma Fox TM xD)

Ky nodded stiffly and walked towards the door, chest getting tighter with every step. This was it. He was going to tell her he’d changed his mind. That she’d paced one too many laps and annoyed him too much and he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. And now Zander didn’t even want her either. And she was going to be a lonely little orphan that everyone hated for the rest of her life. She quietly slipped out into the hall, face burning. She needed to just accept her fate. Let it happen.

(Rip)

Tomhas got up. "Er, excuse us for a moment." He dipped his head to everyone and followed Ky out, shutting the door behind them. "Hey, is everything okay?" he asked her after leading her a couple paces down the hall. "You looked like you were about to throw up in there."

Throwing up. That was a good idea.

"You are running out of time to realize that you don't want to do this," she blurted out, looking at him earnestly. "I've been lying this whole time and making you all think I'm good when I'm not. I'm terrible. And I'm not just saying that for you to argue with me -- I'm saying it because it's truly true. And I'm going to make your whole family look bad if you put me in it. And you're making a terrible mistake and I'm afraid that you're going to realize that too late and then you're going to be stuck with me as your mistake for the rest of your life -- just taking up space and money and resources and wasting your time. And I don't think you can un-do an adoption after you do it. And even if you can then it's just going to hurt my feelings if you wait a few months to do it and I'd rather you realize that now than to un-rite me later when you realize that you hate me."

Apparently, the Zander-effect was still fueling her mouth.

Tomhas listened to this, a pained expression on his face. This old tune again?
"Ky," he said slowly, "why do you think you're terrible?"

"Because I am." She started pacing again, tugging at her own hair. "I'm too anxious and everyone always has to waste their own time to comfort me--" She gestured at him. "See? Right now. I'm doing that right now."

She tried to take a breath but it was audibly shaky.

"And I'm not smart enough and I try so hard but I can't make myself any smarter," she went on. "And then I go and say stupid stuff in front of people I shouldn't say stupid stuff in front of and -- and -- earlier I knew you'd followed me outside but then I was stupid and forgot and said even more stupid stuff because I run my mouth too much and now your brother knows I'm an idiot and it's only a matter of time before the king realizes that as well -- maybe he already has!"

"Hey Ky? You're describing basically being a human being. Nobody's perfect; you're holding yourself to a genuinely impossible standard." He crossed his arms. "I'm not comforting you because I have to. I could have sat in there and let you stew. But I brought you out here because I wanted you to feel better, and to have a chance to talk through things." He paused. "And Ky, I don't think Gaius thinks you're an idiot. He doesn't laugh at idiots. He doesn't laugh at anyone. I'm sure he didn't mean to upset you with that, but I'm so, so glad it happened because it means he can laugh. You helped us both see that."