The war path

PROLOUGE
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Jazz sat on the docks of Queshek, rapped in a cloak, pretending to sleep. She was disguised as a homeless person, waiting for the guard to leave. She had wrapped a old cloak about her and slapped some mud on herself. The cold January night's chill made her shiver, but she bit her cheek and waited. The guard was a young man, about twenty, the moon showed his face to be clean shaven but that was all Jazz could see. She shifted and looked for Xizor. The tall raven haired girl was supposed to come and draw the guard away so that Jazz could check the prices for docking, she needed to dock and get supplies. She knew that he'd head for the roughest waters.....
Jazz bit her lip to keep from jumping as Xizor stumbled onto the docks in her heavy boots from behind a nearby barrel.
She had put on such heavy eyeliner that even in the moonlight Jazz could see her deep brown eyes that often seemed to be laughing. Xizor was the funniest person Jazz knew, next to Colt.
Recovering herself Xizor strutted up to the guard, who's eyes seemed to pop out from his head. Xizor took advantage of this and put on a smile and made use of her hips. "Can you tell me were I can go to warm up?"
Xizor said putting a hand on the guard’s shoulder, Jazz bit back a laugh. The guard looked about to wet himself, at first he could only stutter but Xizor simply stood and let him recover. When he did he put on what Jazz was sure he thought was a stunningly handsome smile and put out a arm.
"Just follow me." Yes! Jazz thought as they headed out of the gates separating the town and the docks, Xizor swinging her hips and laughing at everything he said. Jazz scrambled up, glad to be off the cold and wet wood. She rushed over to the podium by the gates with a groan, her arm had fallen asleep, she opened the thick leather book. For her size ship it would cost three coppers....
She bit her lip, knowing that unless she was giving up she'd have to do it. And giving up wasn't her style.
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One coper=five dollars
Xizor (Egs-eor)
Ramoth (Ram-Oth)

CHAPTER 1
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Colton Ryd shivered, he was standing at the rail of his ship The Pillager Waiting for the captain, the crew was just far enough from the mainland that no one would pay much attention but close enough that Jazz could swim back to the ship in about thirty minutes. After a few moments the cold began to seep through Colt's thick cattle skin jacket; he began to pace to try and ward off the cold. Were is she? He wondered, she had left one hour ago. His thoughts were interrupted by his sister coming from the kitchen's hold with two mugs. She was a pretty girl with short brown hair, olive completion and petite build. The complete opposite of himself, he had shaggy blonde hair, blue eyes and sharp face. He was also very muscular and had no accent, unlike his sister who had a thick Assyrian accent. The only thing they shared was the blue eyes. Tonight she was clad in a thick Black jacket, Striped tee and brown breaches. "She back?..........It's wedge's hot coco." She added handing Colt a steaming mug. "Thanks Tom-cat." Colt said giving her a one armed hug, she simply smiled and leaned into it.
"Hello!" Tom-cat and Colt both jumped at the voice coming from the side of the ship; they rushed to the side and looked over. Jazz and Xizor were treading water looking rather disheveled. Xizor's eyeliner was running, making her look like she had been socked. Jazz's was running too but she had whipped most of it and the mud off; her red hair floated around her making her look like a mermaid. With a smirk Colt leaned on the side of the ship and looked down at the two. "Too bad you guys aren’t up here. Wedge made coco." He said taking melodramatic sip from his mug, Jazz's eyes narrowed.
Colt continued. "It's just so warm....and chocolaty..." Jazz rolled her eyes and shouted up at him, "Get us up!" With one last smirk Colt grabbed a rope. "help me out Tom." She nodded and grabbed the end of the rope behind Colt, who tossed it over board. With plenty of groaning, Xizor landed on the deck. She was trembling from the cold, Tom-cat grabbed a towel that she and colt had brought out an hour ago and wrapped her up. Jazz was the next one to land but she scrambled up as soon as she hit the deck floor, her black sweater was soaked and her breeches too. Her bare feet were drained of all color as was her face, making the scar that ran from the top of her eyebrow to a little below her eye stand out even more. She had whipped most of the mud from her face, her intense green eyes stood out like beacons. She too was trembling but didn't seem to care, with a frown she punched Colt on the arm.
"What?" He said with a grin.
Her face went into a fake anger. "You know." Her voice was controlled and taunting. With a small smile she grabbed Colt's hot chocolate and a towel and stalked off to the girls' quarters to change. Tom-cat, Colt and Xizor did what they always did in response to Jazz's cocky manner. They rolled their eyes...
Tom-cat then led Xizor off to get changed and Colt headed to the kitchen were the crew was waiting.
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Assyrin accent= portarican sounding
Yes shaf, there are tee shirts in this world...

Hey again,

First off, there are a number of spelling mistakes in this. Before you post, use the Spell Check button and correct any misspellings. Also there are no paragraphs. Every time a different character speaks, there should be a paragraph, and every time a new idea starts there should be one.

Those things aside, I think the sentences were well structured and written. Your characterization is effective, and your story is so far well developed.

I'd like to see where you go with this.

You can be assured that I will be goin on with this! Thank you for the critic.....I didn't see the spell check button but I will use that now that I have found it.

Jazz sat on the docks of Queshek, rapped in a cloak, faking sleep.

I don't know. I think "pretending to be asleep" kinda'-sorta' sounds better.

The gaurd was a young man, about twenty, the moon showed his face to be clean shaven, but that was all Jazz could see.

Yup.

The tall raven haired girl was supposed to come and draw the gaurd away so that Jazz could check the prices for docking, she needed to dock and get supplys.

Seems awkward to describe her in this...form. Characters are usually described when they are seen. I beleive that "supplys" is spelled "supplies."

She had put on such heavy eyueliner that even in the moonlight Jazz could see that her eyes were a deep brown, she had also dug up a fitting black dress with long sleeves.

"Eyueliner": I'm not sure but I think that was just a careless error.

Jazz smiled as the gaurd's eyes about popped out of his head, Xizor took advantege of his dumbfounded state.

"Advantege" is spelled advantage.

She asked sweetly, playing a tottal ditz.

"Tottal" should probably be spelled "total."

Jazz waited untill they were out of the gates that separated the docks from the streets before getting up and going over to the podium by the gates, glad to be off the cold and wet wooden docks.

"Untill" is spelled "until."

Also, I think you give things away too fast. The plot should be kept with a tinge of secrecy.

I like it, no matter how many spelling errors there are, but, I agree with Vampirewolf3 that they are important.

This needs to be split up into paragraphs first of all. I've taken the liberty of cutting it up a little for the sake of readability.

Red = Replacement
Blue = Comments

PROLOUGE PROLOGUE
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Jazz sat on the docks of Queshek, rapped wrapped in a cloak, faking sleep. 'pretending to be asleep.' Would suit this better. As said above. She was dsguised disguised as a homeless person, This appears to be too tell-ish to me. How did she look homeless? What was she wearing? Did she bathe her hair in mud? Etc. waiting for the guard to leave. The cold January night's chill bit into her, but she bit To me, the double use of 'bit' detracts from this sentence. her cheek and waited. The gaurd guard was a young man, about twenty, the moon showed his face to be clean shaven but that was all Jazz could see. She shifted and looked for Xizor. The tall raven haired girl was supposed to come and draw the gaurd away so that Jazz could check the prices for docking, she needed to dock and get supplys supplies. This seems a little strange to me, the description of Xizor melded into a forthcoming event could be dropped. It would work better if her description was held up on until she arrives. She knew that he'd head for the roughest waters.....

Jazz was a an 'An' comes before a word beginning with a vowel. 'A' comes before everything else. orphan, she was left on the steps of the orphanage of Queshek when she was a baby. When she was sixteen she took off and got together a crew and took to the seas, everything went smoothly untill until her nineteenth birthday. Ramoth Black, a fellow pirate, commited committed a mutainy mutany. He took half of her crew and even worse a map that they had found and were diciphering deciphering, he tried to take the key that was with it but Jazz refused to let him take it. They fought over it and Jazz won, but it gave her a deep cut over her left eye that was now a large scar. Her Green green eyes were lined in heavy eyeliner, making it stand out even more. Her red hair also helped her to stand out. This whole rememberance part gives a lot away, also said above. Personally I can get extremely bored when reading the first part of a book, it needs to get the reader interested and make them want to learn more. If you dump too much information around, it can get boring or predictable. I would hold out on the mutany part about Ramoth Black if I were you, and give away his name and that Jazz is looking for him. But it's ultimately your decision.
I would avoid the description of Jazz, it's often best not to describe the character whose point of view you are coming from, it can easily detract from immersion. Also, was she wearing eyeliner then, or now? Or both?
'They fought over it and Jazz won, but at the price of a large scar above her left eye. Her heavily lined green eyes, framed by a fiery crown of red locks only made it more evident.' Might work better. Ever since that day she had vowed revenge.

Jazz bit her lip to keep from jumping as Xizor stumbled onto the docks in her heavy boots from behind a nearby barrel. She seems to bite her lip a fair bit, which is fine. It could do with a little sprucing up though. 'She gnawed at her lip and grimaced.', 'Jazz felt her teeth pierce her soft lip, letting blood escape slowly. She scowled with distaste.', 'Jazz caught herself biting her lip and forced her teeth to still.' It demonstrates very well that she's nervous, just gets redundant if used too often in the same form.
She had put on such heavy eyueliner eyeliner that even in the moonlight Jazz could see that her eyes were a deep brown, she had also dug up a fitting black dress with long sleeves. I like the 'dug up a fitting black dress' part. Jazz smiled as the gaurd's guard's eyes about popped out of his head, Xizor took advantege advantage of his dumbfounded state. "Can you point me in the derection direction of a warm pub?" She asked sweetly, playing a tottal total ditz. 'playing a total ditz.' Needs some elaboration. It's too tell-ish. How was she playing a total ditz other then speaking sweetly? 'She asked sweetly, smiling seductively and fiddling with the collar of her dress.' The gaurd guard recovered himself 'himself' Isn't necessary. and smiled back with a nod. "Come with me m'lady." He said putting out a arm, Xizor let out a fake giggle and latched on. Jazz waited untill until they were out of the gates that separated the docks from the streets before getting up and going over to the podium by the gates, glad to be off the cold and wet wooden docks. She opened the heavy leather book that held the prices and names of the people docked, in spite of herself Jazz looked over the names hoping against hope Ramoth might be there. But she had no luck, with a sigh she looked at the prices. It would cost her three coppers.....
She knew that she had to suck it up or she'd never find Ramoth.

You have some good ideas and your characters seem good, I think you just need to get your sentences and spelling right. Practice showing the reader rather then telling. I may get back to look at the first chapter later. Hope this was helpful.

Hi, Krys! (Sorry-- I love to give people nicknames.

First of all, I think this has a lot of potential. I like the names; they help define the characters. I want to know what Jazz is doing and who Ramoth is.
Editor that I am, the spelling and punctuation mistakes got in the way, but once you get rid of those it'll be much better. Almost all of the spelling mistakes can be caught through spell-check.

Krystalstars wrote:Jazz sat on the docks of Queshek, rapped in a cloak, faking sleep.

I like the name "Jazz." It's offbeat and full of personality.
"Rapped" should be "wrapped."

She was dsguised as a homeless person, waiting for the guard to leave.

"disguised"

The cold January night's chill bit into her, but she bit her cheek and waited.

Take out "cold." You already say "chill," and January nights are generally cold.
There are two "bit"s.

The gaurd was a young man, about twenty, the moon showed his face to be clean shaven but that was all Jazz could see.

"guard"
You should probably put a semicolon after "twenty" instead of a comma.
Is the guard important as a person or as a guard? If he's there simply for the fact that he's a guard, I'd suggest describing his uniform instead of his face.

She shifted and looked for Xizor.

Ooh, cool name.

The tall raven haired girl was supposed to come and draw the gaurd away so that Jazz could check the prices for docking, she needed to dock and get supplys.

Needs a period after "docking."
"supplies"

Jazz was a orphan, she was left on the steps of the orphanage of Queshek when she was a baby. When she was sixteen she took off and got together a crew and took to the seas, everything went smoothly untill her nineteenth birthday. Ramoth Black, a fellow pirate, commited a mutainy. He took half of her crew and even worse a map that they had found and were diciphering, he tried to take the key that was with it but Jazz refused to let him take it. They fought over it and Jazz won, but it gave her a deep cut over her left eye that was now a large scar. Her Green eyes were lined in heavy eyeliner, making it stand out even more. Her red hair also helped her to stand out. Ever since that day she had vowed revenge.

Whoa... WAY too much exposition right off the bat. You need to show this through scenes, flashbacks, conversations, memories, anything. But don't just dump all the imformation on the reader at once. Draw it out; make them wonder how she got the scar above her eye, why she acts the way she does, etc.

She had put on such heavy eyueliner that even in the moonlight Jazz could see that her eyes were a deep brown, she had also dug up a fitting black dress with long sleeves.

Does Jazz already know her eye color? If so, leave out that detail. Try focusing more on the dress, the way she's walking, how she's trying to catch the guard's eye.

Jazz smiled as the gaurd's eyes about popped out of his head, Xizor took advantege of his dumbfounded state.

New sentence after "head." Or use a semicolon.

"Can you point me in the derection of a warm pub?" She asked sweetly, playing a tottal ditz.

"direction" "total"
Should be punctuated: "...of a warm pub?" she asked sweetly...
Do you want her being ditzy? How about flirty? Seductive?
New paragraph.

"Come with me m'lady." He said putting out a arm, Xizor let out a fake giggle and latched on.

"Come with me, m'lady," he said, putting out an arm. Xizor...
How about "giggled" instead of "let out a fake giggle"?
"Latched on"-- fun image.

She opened the heavy leather book that held the prices and names of the people docked, in spite of herself Jazz looked over the names hoping against hope Ramoth might be there.

Period or semicolon after "docked."

It would cost her three coppers.....

You only need three dots in an elipse.

She knew that she had to suck it up or she'd never find Ramoth.

Good, good... she has a quest here. Essential to any story.

That's all I have time for now, I'll be back later to edit the first chapter.
Cheers!
~Shafter

You got me in it right!!!

Thank you all for the wonderful tips, I will be working on these chapters for a while so keep checking back. As for some of my "Carless mistakes." Well....I have reading glasses...and lost them.....and this is tiny writing.....
But just point them out and I'll try to fix them.

Basically, dump the prologue in its entirity. You don't need it. Let me jump straight into the story, not jump into a bog of waffle. It's pretty simple. Keep what you need, lose what you don't.

I dunno, I think the prolouge is the hook.

Salutations, Krys!
I promised I'd be back to edit your first chapter, so here I am!
Regarding the comment that you should take out your prologue: Of course it's up to you; just remember that if you have a prologue, your prologue AND your first chapter have to have killer hooks. Sometimes editors or agents just skip the prologue and go straight to chapter one. Just something for you to keep in mind.

Krystalstars wrote:Colton Ryd gave a small shiver, he was standing at the rail of his ship "The pillager."

Again, love your names. They're so unique.
Try to avoid the phrase "gave (something)." "He shivered" is stronger.
Semicolon or period after "shiver."
Take out the quotes around "The pillager," capitalize "Pillager," and italicize both words.

Waiting for the captain, they were just far enough from the mainland that no one would pay much attention but close enough that Jazz could swim back in about thirty minutes.

Who are "they"?
Do you mean Jazz will swim back after thirty minutes is up, or that it will take her thirty minutes to swim there?

After a few moments the cold began to seep through Colt's thick cattle skin jacket, he began to pace to try and ward off the cold.

Semicolon or period after "jacket."

Were is she? He wondered, she had left one hour ago.

Where is she? he wondered. She had left one hour ago.

His thoughts were interupted by his sister coming from below, were the kitchen was, with two mugs.

Clumsy wording here. How about something more like, "His thoughts were interupted when his sister climbed the steps from the hold's kitchen, a mug in each hand."

She was a pretty girl with short brown hair, olive complection and petite build. The complete oppisite of himself, he had shaggy blonde hair, blue eyes and sharp face. He was also very muscular and had no accent, unlike his sister who had a thick Assyrin accent. The only thing they shared was the blue eyes.

Show, don't tell! You can bring out these details through dialogue, through little bits of description here and there. Don't pour it on the reader all at once!

Tonight she was clad in a thick Black jacket, stripped tee and brown breaches.

"Black" is not capitalized.
"Striped," not "stripped." Do they have t-shirts in this world?

"She back?" She asked handing Colt a steaming mug. At his questoning look she rolled her eyes. "It's Wedge's famous hot coco." She said taking a sip from her own mug.

Instead of all these unnecessary "she said"s, why don't you replace them with beats (small actions)? For instance:
"She back?" She handed Colt a steaming mug. ... "It's Wedge's famous hot cocoa." She took a sip.
See what I mean?

"Thanks Tom-cat." Colt said giving her a one armed hug, she simply smiled and leaned into it.

"Thanks, Tom-Cat." Colt gave her a one-armed hug. She smiled and leaned into it.
Do we find out her real name?
Put a new paragraph after "into it."

"Hello!" Tom-cat and Colt both jumped at the voice coming from the side of the ship, they rushed over and looked over the side.

Guess what you should put after "ship" instead of a comma?
Two "over"s.

Jazz and Xizor were treading water looking rather dishevled. Xizor's eyeliner was running, making her look like she had been socked. Jazz's was running too but she had whipped most of it and the mudd off.

You seem to be characterizing both Jazz and Xizor through their eyeliner... maybe pick just one of them to characterize this way. Also, this would be a good place to describe Jazz more, since it's from Colt's point of view.

"Too bad you guys arn't up here. Wedge made coco." He said tauntingly taking a sip from his mug, Jazz's eyes narrowed.

Here's my suggestion:
"Too bad you guys aren't up here. Wedge made cocoa." He took a long melodramatic sip and sighed in satisfaction.
Jazz's eyes narrowed.

Colt continued. "It's just so warm....and chocolatey..." {PARAGRAPH} Jazz rolled her eyes and shouted up at him, "Get us up!" {PARAGRAPH}With one last smirk Colt grabbed a rope. "help me out Tom."

...Colt grabbed the rope. "Help me out, Tom."

With plenty of groaning Xizor landed on the deck. She was trembling from head to toe, Tom-cat grabbed a towel that her and colt had brought out an hour ago and wrapped her up.

Comma after "groaning."
Do you mean "shivering"? Trembling usually implies fear.
"Colt" should be capitalized.
"She and Colt..." I think. Not sure about that...

Her bare feet were drained of all color as was her face, making the scar that ran from the top of her eyebrow to a little below her eye stand out even more.

Much too wordy. Cut out all those words you don't need.

She too was trembling but didn't seem to care, with a frown she punched Colt on the arm.{PARAGRAPH} "What?" He said with a grin. {PARAGRAPH} Her face went into a fake anger. "You know." Her voice was controlled and taunting. With a small smile she grabbed Colt's hot chocolate and a towel and stalked off to the girl's quarters to change. Tom-cat, Colt and Xizor did what they always did in responce to Jazz's cockey manner.

"What?" he said with a grin.
Girls', not girl's.
"response"
"cocky"

They rolled they're eyes...

"their"
This seems a little too modern and cliched. Can you think up something more original?

My main complaint with this scene is that it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You need to give the reader some sense of what's going on. Are there underlying tensions? Is this daily routine (if so, why is it different)? Was their mission successful?

But it is a good start, especially that you have some characters developing. I'm eager to see where you go with this.
See ya!
Cheers! ~Shafter

I'll go back and fix this stuff when I have time. Um.....what's a semicolon? And how the heack to I italsize?

Krystalstars wrote:I'll go back and fix this stuff when I have time. Um.....what's a semicolon? And how the heack to I italsize?

A semicolon is one of these things ; ; ; ; ; ; ;

You italicize by putting and i and then an /i in brackets, like this, except you don't put spaces between the brackets and the i's.
[ i ] Where am I going? [ /i ]

Make sense?