A Bohemian Fall into Oblivion

We are the lovers of the world.
We submerge ourselves entirely
in the waves cast by others.
But there are sharks in the water,
waiting to tease and tear
our sweet flesh.

Our hearts are unruled paper,
but we are artists of words.
We will write our poetry for the blind,
read it to deaf ears,
attempt to change cold souls.
Because we will never stop
loving.

And that, my dear, is the difference
between us and the world.

Jack, this isn't my best poetry and I apologize for that, but I felt I had to write something for you after what happened. So I hope you can relate to the message and take it for what it is - a gift from a caring friend. Cheers.

I love it, Sam. Thanks so much for thinking of me. You didn't have to do something like this, your message in my blog was enough to let me know that you care, but this just makes it extra special.

*prints it off*

I'll read this whenever I'm hurt again by it all, because I guess we are pretty similar in our ways and we got hurt easily.

Thanks again, Sam. This means a lot to me.

Beautiful, Crysi. ^_~

And sweet. I wish I could write poetry on the spot half as well as you... and because it's for Jack it's extra special. ^_^

Hehehe... I told you that you were a good writer.

*wants more*

Very emotional and vivid. Me likey.

This is a beautiful piece, I love the imagery etc!
Well done xxxxx

This is very beautifully written, with a strong and powerful message. well done!

Crysi,


We obviously have a camaraderie of sorts between author, reviewer and dedicatee. As it were, dedication poems are naturally difficult to critique, but below I have attached a possible revision for you to consider should you decide to return to this.

The biggest problem (and also the worst sort to have) is a weak close. You'll notice I have moved it to the top in the revision. Find a different metaphor to close on.


Subtract us from the world.

We are submerged lovers
(artists of bodies)
cast entirely in the waves made
by others, and there are teeth
waiting to tease and tear at our bodies.

We are artists yet of words:
write our poetry for the blind,
read it to the deaf,
attempt to change cold souls.


Best,
Brad

Hmm... Interesting revision, although I don't like the repetition of "bodies." I do, however, like the line, "Subtract us from the world." I think that makes a more powerful statement with the same idea.

I'll look over your revision and see what I can do. Thanks.

Crysi wrote:Our hearts are unruled paper,
but we are artists of words.
We will write our poetry for the blind,
read it to deaf ears,
attempt to change cold souls.
Because we will never stop
loving.


[/i]

awesome poem and i really like this stanza and the way you portrayed it. it's very inspiring and i would like to know a little bit more about what this is about. and i like the way you use the metaphor of "our hearts are unruled paper". it paints sort of like a photographic image in my mind. and honestly i believe that this is the story of all writers. the good ones anyway. they are artists with the page as their canvas. yeah. cool piece.

The expression is lovely and effective at the same time. It has a deep sensitivity which does convey the import of the words. The one thing that I found missing is a good ending. The ending seems abrupt to me. Otherwise, too good.