Hangman

Damian pulled on his yellow raincoat and let his mother button it up to his chin. She smiled a beautiful smile and kissed the end of his nose tenderly.
"School time." She sang, such a cheerful happy voice.
Damian looked at his feet and studied his velcro school shoes, then looked up to stare out at the drizzling rain that was hitting the window pane.
"Damian..." His mother called as she walked through to the kitchen,
"Don't forget your lunchbox."
He trudged slowly towards the kitchen feeling low and blue.
"I don't really feel that well..." He began, looking up at her glowing face. The glow faded a little as she let her shoulders sag.
"You... You look fine..." She muttered before sliding his blue lunchbox across the counter towards him.
"I'm not, I've got a.... a...." He stammered looking around for an excuse.
"A headache." He confirmed looking into her blue eyes which could see right through him.
"Yes, and pigs can fly." She chuckled patting him on the head.
"Nice try einstein, now off to school."
Damian knew when he was beaten and dragged himself outside into the harsh cold weather to catch the bus to school.
As he walked down the pavement of the estate a car sloshed past and threw rain water up his grey trousers. He didn't even flinch.
As he got nearer the brick bus shelter he shielded his eyes from the breeze and to his annoyance he realised that there were already a group of boys inside it.
He approached the shelter trudging through the puddles and immediately headed towards the empty corner of the shelter and sat on the bench shivering slightly.
The group of boys seemed too wrapped up in themselves to notice Damian sat there.
"Where did you get those?" A brown haired boy exclaimed as one of his friends produced a packet of Mayfair cigarettes and offered them around.
"Nicked 'em off me Mum" The boy boasted shaking his blonde hair back as he spoke.
"Way cool!" The other boys nodded holding their cigarettes in their mouths and in turn waiting for the boy to spark them up.
"Lloyd!" called another boy who was exhaling smoke from his nostrils.
"Look at me!"
Lloyd leant back on the bench, towering above the other boys he was quite a looker. Thick blonde hair and biscuit brown eyes.
No wonder he held court within the group.
"Look, Look!" chanted a freckly boy with astonishingly bright red hair.
Lloyd turned slowly to look at him.
"What?" He drawled.
"The geek from school, Dobber Damian..." He whined pointing to the far corner at Damian who was trying his best to be unnoticed.
"Oh yeah!" Lloyd laughed throwing his cigarette butt to the floor and scraping it with his foot casually so that the amber spark burned out in the ash.
Lloyd stood up straight and strolled over to Damian slowly.
"Well,well,well..." He laughed standing infront of Damian and putting his face close to his.
"Nice Mac..."
Damian stared at the floor. Maybe just maybe he thought, he would blend into the wall and be forgotten about if he tried hard enough.
"Why are you in our shelter?" The ginger boy started up.
"You can stand in the rain in your tent..." Another added.
"You wouldn't get wet in that hideous thing..." Lloyd nodded.
Damian looked up, his face burning with anger.
"My mum bought it for me..." He spat.
"Oh really?" Lloyd continued.
"And did she get it from a charity shop? Or was it from your neighbours bin?"
Damian stood up without thinking of the consequences. He hardly reached Lloyds shoulder.
"Get stuffed." He growled before storming out of the shelter and going to stand beneath an oak tree in the rain.
He had his fists clenched...teeth grinding and drops flowing down his cheeks. And those drops weren't rain.
When the bus finally arrived Damian was the last to board it.
Dripping with rain and his eyes red and swollen from crying most people on the bus had no sympathy and laughed.
The bus driver urged him to find a seat and so he fell into the nearest empty seat and buried his head in his hands to try and put nice thoughts into his head.
When the bus pulled up at the school Damian ran to get off and went in search for a place to be alone... without any interference.
Within minutes he found a quiet bench in the school gardens where he sat with his bag and a Thomas Hardy novel.
After a while he noticed Lloys gang sauntering into the gardens too. He just shrugged it off and assumed they were going for another sly cigarette.
When they reached him he had no where to run. He was surrounded. He looked up from his book and squinted in the weak sunlight that had replaced the rain.
"W-w-w-what?" Damian stammered shifting in his seat.
Lloyd took the book from his hands and threw it to the floor infront of them. The other boys began stamping on it, pulling the pages to shreds.
"Hey thats mine!" Damian screamed getting up suddenly.
Lloyd pushed him back onto the bench.
"So what?"

Read it while you were writing it. Want to read more, looking forward to it.
xxxx

Spacing, my friend, you really want spacing. Every dialogue needs to be a new paragraph.

Fine story but very difficult to read as a solid block of text (as above).

^_~

The beginning of this story sets a very lonely, sad mood and for this story, that is very good. But in the beginning, I also get the impression that Damien must be in Kindergarten or somewhere near there. I think it has to do with the way him and his mom interact. I'm still not sure how old he is but he seems to be a little older later, when they're at the bus stop. And again, I think that has to do with the dialogue and interactions between the characters. The book he is reading, gives an impression that he could maybe be in 4th or 5th grade. I have the impression that Damien is of above average intellect also.

I liked the story. It was well written and has a definite story. But I think Damien really needs to establish his age, however that might be possible. Give more impressions to hint us on how old he really is.

Hope this helps some.

As always,

POKE

It moves break-neck and doesn't quite establish (as Rosethorn notes) an age or surroundings for Damian. Spaces between paragraphs will make it easier to read, and slow down a bit. You've got a sense of dialogue, and there's a connection between Damian and his mother that is amusing on one level, and credible.

Don't rush what's there.

But it's a story--not non-fiction.

Moved.

I'm having trouble with establishing that he is being molly-coddled by his mother although he is older i.e his mum buttoning up his coat for him and buying him velcro shoes. About 10/12 years old.
He's a total geek.... hense the book he's reading at his age and him being on his own.
The boys at the bus shelter are older and in a higher year. hense the smoking and grown up conversation. Notice that Damian doesn't swear or get really violent as a teen would. He's younger than them but smarter......!
He grows up as the story goes along though and he gradually becomes "normal." Hope this helps
Lexy xxx

Damian pulled on his yellow raincoat and let his mother button it up to his chin. She smiled a beautiful smile and kissed the end of his nose tenderly.
"School time." She sang, such a cheerful happy voice.
Damian looked at his feet and studied his velcro school shoes, then looked up to stare out at the drizzling rain that was hitting the window pane. As an only child, Damian was severely molly-coddled and didn't know any different.
"Damian..." His mother called as she walked through to the kitchen,
"Don't forget your lunchbox."
He trudged slowly towards her feeling low and blue.
"I don't really feel that well..."
He began, looking up at her glowing face. The glow faded a little as she let her shoulders sag.
"You... You look fine..."
She muttered before sliding his blue lunchbox across the counter towards him.
"I'm not, I've got a.... a...."
He stammered looking around for an excuse.
"A headache."
He confirmed looking into her blue eyes which could see right through him.
"Yes, and pigs can fly."
She chuckled patting him on the head.
"Nice try einstein, now off to school."
Damian knew when he was beaten and dragged himself outside into the harsh cold weather to catch the bus to school.
As he walked down the pavement of the estate a car sloshed past and threw rain water up his grey trousers. He didn't even flinch.
As he got nearer the brick bus shelter he shielded his eyes from the breeze and to his annoyance he realised that there were already a group of older boys inside it.
He approached the shelter trudging through the puddles and immediately headed towards the empty corner of the shelter and sat on the bench shivering slightly.
The group of boys seemed too wrapped up in themselves to notice Damian sat there.
"Where did you get those?"
A brown haired boy exclaimed as one of his friends produced a packet of Mayfair cigarettes and offered them around.
"Nicked 'em off me Mum"
The boy boasted shaking his blonde hair back as he spoke.
"Way cool!"
The other boys nodded holding their cigarettes in their mouths and in turn waiting for the boy to spark them up.
"Lloyd!"
called another boy who was exhaling smoke from his nostrils.
"Look at me!"
Lloyd leant back on the bench, towering above the other boys he was quite a looker. Thick blonde hair and biscuit brown eyes.
No wonder he held court within the group.
"Look, Look!"
chanted a freckly boy with astonishingly bright red hair.
Lloyd turned slowly to look at him.
"What?"
He drawled.
"The geek from school, Dobber Damian..."
He whined pointing to the far corner at Damian who was trying his best to be unnoticed.
"Oh yeah!"
Lloyd laughed, throwing his cigarette butt to the floor and scraping it with his foot casually so that the amber spark burned out in the ash.
Lloyd stood up straight and strolled over to Damian slowly.
"Well,well,well..."
He laughed standing infront of Damian and putting his face close to his.
"Nice Mac..."
Damian stared at the floor. Maybe just maybe he thought, he would blend into the wall and be forgotten about if he tried hard enough.
"Why are you in our shelter?"
The ginger boy started up.
"You can stand in the rain in your tent..."
Another added.
"You wouldn't get wet in that hideous thing..."
Lloyd nodded.
Damian looked up, his face burning with anger.
"My mum bought it for me..."
He spat.
"Oh really?"
Lloyd continued.
"And did she get it from a charity shop? Or was it from your neighbours bin?"
Damian stood up without thinking of the consequences. He hardly reached Lloyds shoulder.
"Get stuffed."
He growled before storming out of the shelter and going to stand beneath an oak tree in the rain.
He had his fists clenched...teeth grinding and drops flowing down his cheeks. And those drops weren't rain.

When the bus finally arrived Damian was the last to board it.
Dripping with rain and his eyes red and swollen from crying most people on the bus had no sympathy and laughed.
The bus driver urged him to find a seat and so he fell into the nearest empty one and buried his head in his hands to try and put nice thoughts into his head.
When the bus pulled up at the school Damian ran to get off and went in search for a place to be alone... without any interference.
Within minutes he found a quiet bench in the school gardens where he sat with his bag and a Thomas Hardy novel.
After a while he noticed Lloys gang sauntering into the gardens too. He just shrugged it off and assumed they were going for another sly cigarette.
When they reached him he had no where to run. He was surrounded. He looked up from his book and squinted in the weak sunlight that had replaced the rain.
"W-w-w-what?"
Damian stammered shifting in his seat.
Lloyd took the book from his hands and threw it to the floor infront of them. The other boys began stamping on it, pulling the pages to shreds.
"Hey thats mine!"
Damian screamed getting up suddenly.
Lloyd pushed him back onto the bench.
"So what?"
Damian looked into his eyes and felt his botton lip tremble.
He wanted his Mum.
"There's nothing you can do little squirt."
Lloyd muttered taking a step forwards and bringing his face down once agin so their cheeks nearly touched.
"Have a cigarette."
Damian was shocked. He felt he hadn't heard correctly.
"What?" He asked, his hands shaking.
"I said have a cigarette."
Lloyd repeated brandishing one in front of him.
The other boys looked at eachother, eyebrows raised.
"I'm only twelve."
Damian stammered pushing Lloyds hand away.
"I really couldn't care less. Now take it."
Lloyd pushed the stick into his hand and withdrew a lighter from his pocket.
"Mouth."
He commanded.
Damian sat with it limply in his hand. He couldn't.. couldn't.. WOULDN'T.
Lloyd snatched the cigarette, put it to his mouth and sparked it up, taking a draught from it he exhaled the smoke into Damians face.
"Open your mouth."
Lloys commanded.
Damian pinched his lips together and turned his head away.
"OPEN YOUR MOUTH."
Lloyd shouted before forcing the cigarette into Damians unwilling mouth and shouting at him to take a draught.
Damian admitted defeat and took a small suck on it... it filled his lungs and he coughed until he was red in the face.
"There...."
Lloyd said looking satisfied with himself.
Damian tried to breathe easily.
"Lloyd.. Lloyd.. Lloyd..." The other boys chanted.
"I'm not finished with you yet.."
Lloyd snapped grabbing Damian as he tried to get away. The other boys pushed him back into the circle.
"please?"
Damian whined, starting to get desperate.
Lloyd laughed as he pulled the scarf off of the nearest boys neck.
He pulled it tight and wrapped it around Damians eyes as the others bound him and held him tight to avoid him from struggling free.
"We're going to play a game."
Lloyd chuckled tying it tightly at the back and then binding his arms together with another boys scarf.
Damian was now close to tears.
"What are you doing?"
Damian cried, his shoulders sagging as he said it.
"We're going to play hangman."
Lloyd answered casually now using a skipping rope that he had obviously stolen from a little girl... his last victim.
He tied it tightly to the nearest tree branch and made a noose as if to hang someone.
He commanded the other boys to drag the bench underneath the tree and demanded that Damian stand upon it.
Damian couldn't believe Lloyds intentions... he was actually going to hang him.
"Come on..." Lloyd coaxed mockingly.
"Death is lifes greatest adventure."
Damian was hauled onto the bench and made to stand up in front of the others.
Still blindfolded and with thoughts flooding through his mind... his Mum treating him like a toddler.... his dad never being around.... the bullying he had to endure through most of his school life...
"You have 15 seconds to live..."
Lloyd sneered.
"15... 14... 13... 12..." The boys started to chant.
"11.... 10... 9....8.....7....6....5.....4....3....2.....1...."

This is a very good story although i ofund it quite sad, kids even teenagers can be so cruel, i like the style you write with, is there goijng to be any more of this or are we going to make our own conclusions?

I want to hear more! lol Good story, work on spacing and grammar, but post the last part of the story! What a cliffhanger! lol

Thanks so much for your help xxxxx