The Fateful Heart 2

"That makes sense," James agreed, glancing up at her. "I like that version better. It's simpler. More uncertain, but realistic."

He was quiet for a few seconds as he worked up a few more bubbles with some soap, and then kept scrubbing against the washboard.

"As for how we met... I have to think about what I'd be doing up there work-wise. Does Evaline from Ruddlan have reason to fall for a simple fisherman? Maybe that's too ironic. Could be a number of things... though honestly, it's easier to choose something that's manual labor. Something like trading goods is more difficult to make up on the fly. Construction, maybe, would work."

Evaline was about to join James back at the barrel, but she found herself frozen in front of her shirt, stuck at one particular sentence he said:

Does Evaline from Ruddlan have reason to fall for a simple fisherman?

In other words: James?

She found herself getting flustered and embarrassed again, but she turned away before James could notice.

How could he just... say that without any consideration? Or thought? Or emotion? She thought maybe the nonchalance stemmed from him thinking about this topic before, but this was an entirely new discussion, and he still kept his calm demeanor.

She wished she could do the same. She probably could have if he was a stranger to her, and if she was in an anxious situation. But neither of those things were true and it was eating at her.

"Maybe," she said softly, just barely loud enough for him to hear a ways away while she faced away from him.

She needed a second to figure out how to handle herself as well as James.

James was unaware that Evaline had said anything from their distance, and with her turned away, had no way of knowing through sight or hearing. So he kept going.

"Maybe you were commissioned to make a sign for a company that I worked for? I doubt you'd have to prove that sort of skill, even though I'm sure you can paint just fine. That would be a connection. A place to meet. It sounds realistic - it doesn't need to be like a storybook, and seldom things are these days. The marriage could've been for practical reasons, too. I don't know..."

He trailed off in thought.

"I don't know if this... whatever this is... I don't know it will work," Evaline said more loudly by the clothesline, turning her head to face him. She then glanced around, again noticed no one, but decided to come closer to James anyways so they didn't have to talk as loud. She grabbed her other dirty shirt and sat across from him again, avoiding eye contact.

"Whatever story is fine," she said curtly, beginning to scrub. "I don't know how you can be so..."

She sighed, deciding to not finish her sentence. She didn't want to hurt his feelings again.

"It doesn't matter. It's just a dumb, fake story. Let me know what I should say and I'll just say it if they ask," she finished in a low voice, looking down into the water and loudly scrubbing.

James could hear the shift in her tone, and the moment it wormed past his buzzing imagination, the illusion of distance seemed to disappear. He hadn’t even realized it happened. He just started thinking, and normally he thought of all of these stories inside, because it was always just him. But with Evaline here, he’d thought she’d want to help.

But he quickly realized how little he had thought this through. How poorly he was handling it. All of it.

Evaline was uncomfortable, and he hadn’t heard her, and now he’d made her annoyed.

He flicked his gaze up to her, but found himself too afraid to risk eye contact.

An uncomfortable silence followed for a moment before he found the courage to speak.

“I’m being far too calm about this,” he said slowly. “Aren’t I?”

Evaline was glad he figured it out.

"A little," she said, loudly scrubbing. A small moment passed before she decided to add, "A lot."

She sighed, deciding to stop her work and finally look up at James. She could feel the guilt in his voice, and even though this was his fault, she didn't want this to keep him up all night. Better to just address it now, even if this was painfully awkward.

"How do you casually talk about these things?" she asked, trying to stay serious, although she could still feel the leftover rosiness of her cheeks from his comments earlier. "You've told me it doesn't matter how you express yourself on the outside as long as you can express yourself with words, but now you're concealing both, so what am I supposed to think now?"

She breathed out, breaking her stare and looking down at her soapy hands in the water.

"You get harder and harder to read, sometimes. That's all."

James looked up at her and found himself pinned uncomfortably under her stare until she looked away. Her questions dug into his skin, and he wished he had an already formulated reply, but this wasn't something he really thought about that much. He didn't know if he could truthfully explain everything right away, at this moment, with clarity. He needed some time.

"I'm sorry," James said quietly, looking down into the soapy water. "I wish I knew what to say, but I'm not sure I know the answer to those questions..."

The two of them silently stared into the water for a few minutes, letting too many drawn-out seconds wordless seconds pass on by.

"That's okay,"' Evaline finally said, breaking the silence.

She was trying to empathize. It looked and sounded like James didn't even know this was something he did. She needed some time to let that soak in for this moment and all the moments that he had done this before. All the moments that he had confused her, given her the wrong signals, led her astray... There were a lot, some involving her and some not, and she had to think about the context now. The context that James wasn't doing any of that on purpose.

"I don't need an answer now," she continued, scrubbing the shirt against the washboard again. "Or... ever. I don't think the explanation would be simple. I just... I'd prefer if you didn't do that. Around me."

James nodded slowly, but he had to work hard, playing back her words in his head to try to understand what she didn’t want him doing again. It sounded like she didn’t want him concealing his emotions, or thoughts? Or rather, she didn’t want him lying around her? What did that mean in this context, though, when they would be pretending to be a married couple?

The last thought only finally hit him with the uncomfortable, awkward realization of that.

He wished he’d never gone along with Kurt’s assumption. He was just making things worse, wasn’t he?

“I’ll try not to,” he said. “When - when I catch myself... doing it.”

It was easier said than done. It wasn’t something he’d even been aware of. He hadn’t thought it was that big of a problem, and he frankly, wasn’t sure how to stop shutting down and just going along with things. When he thought about it, lying impulsively came almost as naturally as breathing, and he wasn’t proud of it.

How often did he do it without even realizing? How often was he lying to himself?

These questions plagued him, and he started getting lost in thought as he kept scrubbing.

Evaline didn't want to make this more tense than it needed to be. James saying he will try his best to prevent himself from doing it was good enough for her, but she did wonder if he knew what she meant.

"I think it's important that you are you around me," she clarified. "And it... when you do that—when you go on to talk or don't talk about things that should matter, and you say it so... in a way that isn't you... I don't know." She sighed. "I get confused."

James was trying to understand. He was. But he felt like he was ten steps behind - like Evaline had more understanding of this thing she was describing about him than he did, and that scared him. That there were things he hadn’t realized he was doing that were harmful, or make Evaline confused and... whatever else.

He finished with his pants, and started wringing them out over the bucket.

“I...” he tried starting a sentence, but he didn’t know where it was going. He felt like he was completely unprepared for this conversation.

If he was saying things in a way that didn’t “sound like him...”

“What... is ‘me?’” He asked, almost like the question was just as much to him as it was to her.

Evaline looked up at James, pausing from the heaviness of the question. She could barely answer that question herself, nevertheless for someone else. Especially for a someone she only knew for a relatively short amount of time.

"I think that's something only you can really answer, but... Are you asking me what I think of you?" she asked, unsure. "Or at least my perception of you?"

She was right. She couldn’t answer that question - he just wished he could. But now he was starting to question everything.

“I guess so,” he said quietly. “The latter.”

If this were any other time, Evaline may have been hesitant to answer honestly and fully. After all, James was essentially asking her what she thought about him. If he wanted to know in a casual sitting, of course she'd cherry pick her answers.

But James looked troubled thinking this over, like he genuinely had no idea. She felt like she was obligated to help him any way she could. She knew she'd want the same treatment if she thought this would help figure out her own identity.

"Well..." she began slowly, swirling her shirt in the water to rinse it off. She wanted to carefully think about her words and not be careless with her answer. Any personal feelings about this had to be put aside so he could get an honest, straight answer.

"You're ridiculously patient, and of course, that's a good thing, and I wouldn't want that to change. I think that's your defining trait, along with kindness and compassion. You're also... needlessly selfless, but it's impressive. You don't often have a lot to say, but I can always count on you for answers. You're dependable. And tactical, looking ahead and ensuring our safety. You also have a... soft side, which, I think, makes you different than others in similar circumstances. You're a..."

Idealist and hopeless romantic?

Was that even true anymore? She didn't know.

She paused, deciding to switch gears for an unbiased opinion.

"You're sensitive, and although that's not always a bad thing, it does mean you let things get to you sometimes. You also think highly of others but not of yourself, which is a shame, because you're an admirable person."

Evaline glanced around her surroundings to make sure no one was nearby and then stared deeper into the water, wondering if she said too much. She hoped he didn't take this too personally. She just wanted to help.

"I guess... what I'm trying to say is, the James I know would say his words thoughtfully and mean them when he said it," she said softly with a shy voice. "I've never heard you talk so... carelessly before. Even last night wasn't like that."

James finished wringing out as much water as he could from his pants, and he sat still, holding them just over the surface of the water so they didn't drip on him. He kept his eyes fixed on the water as Evaline spoke, trying to let it sink in.

He hadn't expected her to say anything kind, and maybe that was wrong of him to assume that she wouldn't. Without even thinking about it, he'd been preparing himself for the worst, but most of what Evaline had to say was a list of generally positive traits, though much of it he hadn't thought to be anything particularly notable or special.

It was the sentiment she ended with that lingered in his mind the longest.

Something he never wanted to be was careless with his words, but he was starting to see - at least, in this specific situation that Evaline pointed out - that he had been careless.

There were a lot of things they hadn't really talked about or had been avoiding, and adding a "fake marriage" to the fire was likely to only make things worse.

"Thank you," he finally said after some pause. "And again - I'm sorry. Even about just now... I didn't mean to talk in a way as if this whole lie I got us wrapped up in didn't affect you."

He took in a deep breath but didn't look up at her.

"I hope you can forgive me."