Lonely

Haven't read this myself for a little while. I wrote it for school last year, but I hate reading through it because of the feelings attatched to it...but feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

His name was Lonely and he came
Persisted until I cried
I thought that love would never end
It was the night immortality died.

Lonely handed me a painting
I hung it on my wall
A painting of a girl just sitting
Watching dark red rain fall

I tried to cover it all up
With drum beats and thrashing guitars
But every night I sat and thought
Of Lonely, and untouchable stars.

Lonely’s shadow came at me
Creeping with no legs
Shuffling slowly from each corner
Of the room in which I begged.

I wished it was to be my end
Wished I didn’t have to see
I know for years after this death
Lonely will live on in me.

Written on Friday 21st October, 2005

I absolutely looove the personification of lonely. It's awesome. And it's a topic that many and most can relate to. It's great.

Great job!

I like the personification of Lonely as a male form... that's awesome and I think it really makes the poem as much as it does. I especially like the narrator's interaction with narrator and the different situations they go through.

What you might want to look at is the rhyming and rhythm. Basically, I think you're focusing too much on the rhyme and not enough on the flow. When I read it out loud, there were several spots that seem too wordy, and to cut down some adjectives in those places would have been wonderful. Try counting the syllables in each line and seeing how much they have. Then, even it up.

Hope this helps!

And nice to see you writing again, Matt.

Matt Bellamy wrote:Haven't read this myself for a little while. I wrote it for school last year, but I hate reading through it because of the feelings attatched to it...but feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

His name was Lonely and he came
?Persisted? (persistent)i until I cried
I thought that love would never end
It was the night immortality died.

Lonely handed me a painting
I hung it on my wall
A painting of a girl just sitting
Watching dark red rain fall

I tried to cover it all up
With drum beats and thrashing guitars
But every night I sat and thought
Of Lonely, and untouchable stars.

Lonely’s shadow came at me
Creeping with no legsShuffling slowly from each corner
Of the room in which I begged.

I wished it was to be my end
Wished I didn’t have to see
I know for years after this death
Lonely will live on in mee.

Written on Friday 21st October, 2005

Do you know what?? I really loved this piece of personification poetry.
It really worked. The things underlined are those that I liked A LOT. Which is good news for you because I'm hard to please lol.
I like how you have made "lonely" a thing "without legs" was my most favourite part for some reason it just made the image so much stronger for me x
Well done, I hope that the feelings and attatchments you had to this poem are completely gone because it sounds a miserable thing to feel.
Keep up the good work and I hope to see more cool stuff from you
Lexy xxxxxx

I loved this!! espescially the imagery of 'red rain' ans the shadow with no legs. I really enjoyed reading it

I love this stanza, it's beautiful—

Lonely handed me a painting
I hung it on my wall
A painting of a girl just sitting
Watching dark red rain fall.

BEAUTIFUL.

cx