"Yeah," Evaline said quietly, nodding. "Eventually."
But it didn't feel right to end it there. Part of her wished that James would prod a little more, like she did. It would feel more fair.
She took a silent deep breath out.
"I'm sorry. I said a half-lie," she said, ignoring the growing anxiety. "I do know why the library burned down. At least... I think I do. It's speculation."
This shouldn't be too hard. Evaline was barely revealing much information about herself.
It wasn't easy, but it felt right to lead up to what she wanted to say this way.
"There was a riot," she said after a long pause. "I don't know too many of the details, but I think... it may have partially involved me. Or rather, my parents. Because..." She sighed. "Because unlike the other towns, they didn't publicly condemn me for what I did. They wanted to protect me, even though they were in a leadership position and had to act in the best interest of the town."
She quickly added the next sentences to get to her point faster.
"That's why I understand if you don't want to talk about the people in your life before you were wanted. You want to protect them, similar to how my parents wanted to protect me."
James was listening with the intent to understand and empathize - and he did - but his heart began to sink as she turned it back to him again.
Was the story only ever meant to be a device for her to use so she could tell him she understood? Even though she didn’t know the full picture?
He didn’t want to think that, but he couldn’t help but feel a little tricked back into the conversation he though he’s narrowly avoided.
And yet, despite his discomfort, he didn’t sense any malice behind Evaline’s words. She was trying to understand. So was he, but he didn’t want to make assumptions with so little puzzle pieces and gaps in-between.
He scanned the land ahead of them.
The trees were thinning out. In the distance, the trees became so sparse, it would be an insult to call it a forest. They were entering the desert soon.
He sighed.
If he overthought it, he would never end up saying anything. He hoped he wouldn’t regret what he was going to say. But he needed to say something. He’s already kept Evaline waiting for too long.
“I do want to protect my family,” he said. “But that’s not the only reason.”
He paused, keeping his eyes busy as he looked around them. Just plants and dirt. And sun.
“There’s... there’s a lot of things in my past that I’m not proud of,” James said slowly, his voice low. “A lot of people just remind me of that, which makes it... hard. To talk about.”
Evaline listened patiently, doing her best to keep a straight face and bite down any words that she wanted to blurt out. James had been doing a good job of keeping her calm and collected throughout their time together, and she owed it to him to at least try to do the same. At least, while he talked about himself.
He wasn't proud of his past.
Neither was she.
It didn't take that long to figure out what to say next.
She kept her gaze straight ahead of her the entire conversation, avoiding eye contact. It was easier to not look at each other when talking about these things, and it was hard enough that they were walking side-by-side in daylight.
"If you could forget those memories—the memories you're not proud of—would you?" she asked after a collected pause.
Evaline hummed over James's answer. He answered rather quickly, like he had thought of this before, or it was an obvious answer that didn't need thinking.
"I agree," she said, formulating her next words carefully. "No matter how easy or hard it is, past experiences actively shape who we are. I'd rather be my true self than be someone I'm not."
James wasn’t just thinking about being his truest self. There were things he’d learned the hard way that he didn’t want to have to go through again. If he didn’t bear the weight of those memories he would be doomed to repeat history over and over.
This time, Evaline decided to let the silence sit between them.
There was a lot to think about now, but it wasn't anything bad. Whatever James kept hidden from her, she doubted it would change her view on him. She didn't want to push him any further than she did, especially if he said it was hard to talk about. Although he was good at hiding it, he seemed to get distressed from... sensitive topics.
She didn't want to hurt him.
Instead, she dwelled on other topics that came up in their conversation. And, towards the back of her mind, other questions she could potentially ask in the future.
And shelved at the very back of her mind, the memories of mage camp, replaying over and over, and what they could mean.
The day dragged on, and James didn't mind the silence that filled the morning. He was glad that with Evaline there was no pressure to fill it because he didn't have much to give by way of words at the moment. The previous days' events continued to swim around his mind like leaves in a whirlpool a pool of water, always coming back around to the moment by the horses, and the dance, and when Nathan healed his arm.
Interspersed throughout were plans to celebrate Evaline's birthday. He would give his best efforts to do something special for her despite their circumstances. They were limited by money, resources, time, and travel, but that didn't mean he couldn't put something together that would hopefully be worthy of Evaline's expectations.
James eventually broke the silence when they stopped by the stream - it had to have been the same one that the mages were using as their source of water because James knew it was going to be their only reliable source of water for a while.
And thus, came the dangers of their path to come. They would have to follow the flow of the stream - which would grow into a river, again - if they were to survive. But if Butch and Reed were still following them, they would be too. In fact, anyone who didn't want to die out here in the desert would be close to the water.
It was a necessary risk. But still, he wished there was more they could do to prepare for it.
James initiated light conversation occasionally, but the day was dominated by silence between the two of them. Evaline seemed to pick up on the fact that his head wasn't quite in the place to talk. Despite that though, he made sure they fit another riding lesson in. He wanted her to keep up the practice.
He wished he could shake it off faster, but that thought only brought a layer of guilt that clung to him like a wet blanket.
Finally, night fell.
They'd eaten some leftovers that Maisy sent them off with for dinner, which made the whole process move faster. They didn't have to cook this time, which was nice. James went through the regular routine of brushing Elliot down, checking his hooves, adjusting the saddle.
Things settled around the fire as the sun began to set, and James felt the silence growing between them become more weighty as the cold of the desert night started creeping in.
"I've been thinking about it," he started, deciding to cut to the chase.
"And I think... we don't have to keep playing the truth or dare game anymore," he said, looking from the fire, then up to Evaline where she sat on the other side.
"It was a good idea. And it was helpful at the start. But I think... we can just talk to each other as friends."
The day blurred by, and although they were both especially quiet, it wasn't tense. Evaline could understand how distracting it could be to chat if the mind was racing with thoughts, and it was clear from the start of their initial conversation that James still hadn't gotten over the events of last night. She wanted to give him space for that. Plus, she was lost in her own thoughts anyways.
Maybe they do make a good team.
Eventually, it was nightfall again. James started up the fire, which Evaline cozied up to since the desert night was chilly. Ordinarily the change of scenery may have wondered her, but the thinning plant life and sandy ground was a slow, gradual change that they were still going through. It was only a matter of time before they fully transitioned out of the forest. Maybe in a few days.
Her train of thought was interrupted when James seemed to perk up and talk about something that wasn't related to Elliot, or their hike, or nature, or resources.
He offered to end the truth or dare game.
She looked up at him and tilted her head in thought. The only reason she suggested they play was because James was so against the idea of the second verse of the note saying he had to open up too. It surprised her that he mentioned it now, though, considering that they weren't exactly that chatty today. Maybe he felt like she was getting close to the truth—was she?—and he didn't want her to prod any further.
Or maybe... he didn't care about the note. He only cared about preserving their friendship.
She chose to believe the latter.
"Okay," Evaline said with a small smile. "We can do that."
Still, she tried to read in his eyes what he meant by those words. He seemed sincere, and she almost felt bad for even doubting him.
"As our first game-free night as friends, what would you like to talk about?" she asked, leaning on one hand as her legs were bent facing one side.
James mirrored her smile with one of his own, and though it was small, it was genuine.
He found his gaze dropping to the fire and he propped up one knee so that he could rest his elbow on it.
"I don't know exactly," he said, finding his mind jump in a million different directions. He had to choose just one.
"I was wondering about your old friend who used to call you Eve," he said. "But I don't know if that's painful to talk about for similar or different reasons... in which case, I can easily come up with something else."
Evaline's smile faded at James's suggestion... for various reasons. One, she didn't expect him to bring this up as a first topic, or at all. And two, it felt almost insulting that he bring this topic up after she didn't prod any further than she did earlier in the day. She was beginning to think that they would never talk about the people in their past. Third, she didn't remember mentioning this to James. Did she? She shelved the thought aside for now so she didn't pause for any longer than what was comfortable.
Was it painful? No. It wasn't painful. But it was something else.
She hesitated before answering, trying to decide if she should take his offer to talk about it. But maybe her talking about this would help him open up, too.
"What do you want to know?" she finally answered, watching the fire lick its way into the wood.
The most important thing is to preserve the world we live in. Unless people understand and learn about our world, habitats, and animals, they won't understand that if we don't protect those habitats, we'll eventually destroy ourselves. — Jack Hanna
