In the Absence of Love

In the Absence of Love

When I look into your eyes and see nothing
but the reflected sky
when I hold your restless hands and feel only
the urge to fly away

When even in your dreams
there is no comfort
I cannot reach you, I cannot
find you, I cannot understand

I hear voices at night
amongst the soft, carnivalistic shadows
I see white doves falling
and metronomes swinging and

I am afraid to wait for you
to watch the world
pass me by
I am afraid of the distance

You have all these lines that start with "when I..." but they have no conclusion to them, drifting off to another "when I..." This is weird and makes the poem a little bit dreamlike. So you can do several things to make this a more solid poem...

First of all, you're going to want to make a more solid conclusion. Present us a solid, pretty imagery that sums up the hopes and fears of the narrator. This will give us something to fall back on. Next of all, make this little less vague. "I cannot understand" what? What can't you understand? Expound on your statements a little more and don't wander as much, and you've taken a good step into editing this poem.

I agree with the above reply....your poem is kind of all over the place. It's nice to leave things a little untied so the reader can make what they will of the poem, but it seems like it's just TOO untied for it's own good.

Also, the conclusion sort of lacks meaning, in my point of view at least.

But I think it has potential! Keep working on it!

cymbeline_x wrote:In the Absence of Love

When I look into your eyes and see nothing
but the reflected skywhen I hold your restless hands and feel only
the urge to fly away
When even in your dreams
there is no comfortI cannot reach you, I cannotfind you, I cannot understand

I hear voices at night
amongst the soft, [color=red]carnivalistic shadows
I see white doves falling
and metronomes swinging and

I am afraid to wait for you
to watch the world
pass me by
I am afraid of the distance[/color]

The bits I underlined I actually really liked. I liked the way that they work with the poem and flow well.
The bits in italics (the repaetition) I didn't like because it stops the flow and makes those particualr words jut out Nope didn't like that certain part.
The word highlighted in red "carnivalistic" I google searched it and I couldn't find any definitions? Is it actually a word and if so what does it mean?
Well done though, I liked this piece a lot.
Lexy x