Suicide

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When you're so drunk,
you cannot feel the
Cigerette burning your fingers.

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When you're lying down,
When your hearts gone cold,
When nothing's left.

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When the angels come,
To take your soul,
And you're dead.

What is it about that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?

Peacefulgirl27--


You let out some flarf;
I gasp, then barf.

Trash this.

Welcome to the YWS Poetry forums.


Best,
Brad

Mixed feelings about this. I can't think of anything to evolve from this.

I hope you can create something from this.

Sorry, but I don't feel anything flying off the screen and grabbing me.

Brad, you're cruel, God I love you.

... Feelingless?
... Seriously. Trash teh first 2 lines on the second and third stanzas....

I don't know, it had potential... but I didn't generally LIKE it, like smiley said, no feelings... I was feelingless for this poem. *ooh I'm terrible*

But... it had potential... take out those two terrible lines and expand it and make it better.... I'm not sure how, but just do so...

Thank you and welcome to the Jungle

I liked the third para.

Keep writing.

The main weird thing about this poem is that you're telling us what we should be feeling. What you should probably aim for, especially for a suicide poem, is something that shows us what we could be feeling. Note the difference.

Suicide is a very strong subject and you can do a lot with it and make people very twitchy about the whole thing, which is a good thing. But before you can do that, you have to provide a realistic backdrop on the nature of suicide. Do this and you have it made.

Good luck!

Contrary to what others said, I like this, I think you use the "do you ..." line a bit too much, but nevertheless, it's beautiful to me.
Pandora

I think I get what it is you are trying to portray through this writing...but I'm fairly certain it doesn't happen within the poem.

I, as well, am not quite sure on how to make it work for you...but possibly more depth?

The topic is always big in poetic writing, yet always hard to write about. I admire you for trying, but it just doesn't work for me

Peacefulgirl27 wrote:Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When you're so drunk,
you cannot feel the
Cigerette burning your fingers.

Do you like that feeling?Becoming feelingless?
When you're lying down,
When your hearts gone cold,
When nothing's left.

Do you like that feeling?Becoming feelingless?
When the angels come,
To take your soul,
And you're dead.

What is it about that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?

The stuff I have underlined (which is obviously the repetition) is actually something I liked about the poem. I thought for one horrible moment that your repetition would make the poem tedious and annoy me but actually it worked well.
The bit in bold though... you're finale wasn't actually the spectacular ending I was expecting. It kind of left the poem hanging as if its unfinished. Maybe because of its length??? But overall I liked it.... well done. x I like theimagery with the cigarette burning your hand...

No offense Chantel, but if you cant see what's wrong with it, well...**coughs** We can only hope that one day you do.

I'm sorry. I dont mean to be mean (Incan has already done that), but I gotta tell you, I'm not feeling it. The repetition bugged me, and the poem was surface stuff at best. Very standard suicide-poem fare, I'm afraid.

So, being the nice person that I am, I'm going to go through it all and tell you the bits I really hate. And then I'm going to tell you what to do with them. Because editing is what it's all about!

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When you're so drunk,
you cannot feel the
Cigerette burning your fingers.

First off - QUESTION MARKS! Urgh! Too many! So. To tidy this up, I would advise you dont put two questions together. Also, becoming feelingless is a feeling? Isnt that kind of a paradox? If I were you, I'd change "feelingless" (which is seriously way too long for any self-respecting word) and use something like numb, or - or - virtually anything else. Thus you get rid of the paradox and take us deeper into the emotion all in one stroke!

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When you're lying down,
When your hearts gone cold,
When nothing's left.

Mmm. Dull. I think you could remove this stanza without any detrimental effect to the poem as a whole. Also, what does lying down have to do with anything? Unless you mean when you're dead?

Do you like that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?
When the angels come,
To take your soul,
And you're dead.

Oh, you do mean when you're dead. How...nice.
Again, I'm sorry. Not feeling it.

What is it about that feeling?
Becoming feelingless?

A good attempt at an ending, but its not working. The two questions together make it seem awkward and messy. I'd remove this and add something else.

OK, I'm sorry if I've grumped at you. I've got exams tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous, and when I get nervous I tend to be overly critical. But, really, I have to say there was nothing in this poem that reached out and grabbed me. Try putting a bit of yourself in it next time.

I tend to think suicide poetry is overdone and very stupid at times, but this was okay. Well, it certainly wasn't the worst suicide poem I've ever read anyway. I think your repition of "Do you like that feeling? Becoming feelingless?" could have been repeated one less time. I think the fact that you did it three times instead of two kind of ruined your finale.