The Assassin King

Unless it is absolutely necessary for the story, you should name your characters. It is agitating for them to only differ between "young" man and "old" man. Seeing that you give a name to the younger one at the end, keeping the name from the reader at the beginning seems to serve no purpose.

Dialogue is great to start with because the reader automatically tunes in to what they are saying. I really liked your dialogue because it's very real and demonstrates character.

Good not to tell the reader who is speaking each and every time. Because, as they've said, it gets irritating.

“When will I know why?” the youngster persisted.

“You might not ever know.”

“Where are you taking him? He is my friend.”

“Somewhere he will be safe. Do not worry yourself. Everything is set in motion. All that is left is for the pieces to fall into place. Give it time. These matters do not concern you any longer.”

The man turned from the boy.

At the beginning of this text, I am already envisioning the older man walking away and the younger one pursuing him. Eh?

That's about it. Vague beginning but it serves its purpose.

As always,

Miss POKE

rosethorn wrote:Unless it is absolutely necessary for the story, you should name your characters. It is agitating for them to only differ between "young" man and "old" man. Seeing that you give a name to the younger one at the end, keeping the name from the reader at the beginning seems to serve no purpose.

Dialogue is great to start with because the reader automatically tunes in to what they are saying. I really liked your dialogue because it's very real and demonstrates character.

Good not to tell the reader who is speaking each and every time. Because, as they've said, it gets irritating.

“When will I know why?” the youngster persisted.

“You might not ever know.”

“Where are you taking him? He is my friend.”

“Somewhere he will be safe. Do not worry yourself. Everything is set in motion. All that is left is for the pieces to fall into place. Give it time. These matters do not concern you any longer.”

The man turned from the boy.

At the beginning of this text, I am already envisioning the older man walking away and the younger one pursuing him. Eh?

That's about it. Vague beginning but it serves its purpose.

As always,

Miss POKE

So, if you don't mind me asking, what changes do you think I could make to that section you quoted?

As soon as I fix that, I'll post the second part.

And I realised today this doesn't sound like a fantasy fiction. It isn't in the beginning, but once you get into the meat of the story, it reveals those particular elements.

Edit: Also, the reason I didn't name either of them was that I wanted the reader to make the connection when they both come up later on in the story.

Nicely done. You left the reader gueesing to what just happened and you gave only the info you needed. Keep righting