Becoming Part of Your Patriotic Show

I wrote this simple poem when I was a bit younger when I heard that there could be a military draft for the War in Iraq. Although I doubt it will happen now, I would still like to post this poem to see what everyone thinks.

Becoming Part of Your Patriotic Show

My brother is old enough to be drafted.
My brother is old enough to go.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to die fighting a nonexistent foe.

My brother is loved by many.
My brother is my idol.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to achieve the suicidal.

My brother has become a part of me.
My brother, if lost, would shatter all I know.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to become part of your patriotic show.

(Commas Removed!)

I'm totally have to relate to this poem because I'm so freaking nervous some of my family members are going to be drafted.

Anything can happen now...

This poem, although you used "My brother" a bit too much, did seem .. very deep and emotional.

I liked the last lines of all of the stanzas, but there was just something about the second stanza, second line, it seemed too short and cut me off beat while I read. Maybe add a word or something but this was beautiful otherwise

I hope there is no draft for "war" if you can even call it that.
Nice job.

Hi Jester,


Despite my usual objections to political poetry, you decently pulled this off. I could at least feel and read a real emotional attachment to the issue.

While the rhymes were not necessarily natural, they certainly weren't forced. The repetition of "my brother," like Elizabeth pointed out, becomes too much (at least for me).

My suggestion is you drop the form "my brother.../my brother.../my brother.../sent...," since it becomes old very fast. If you work at this, you'll have something.


Take care,
Brad

Thanks for the comments! You both bring up very good points.
With the 'my brother' part, I guess I was aiming for repetition for effect, but like you said, I must have overdone it. Thanks again!

I made the idol line longer and I broke up the repetition a bit, what do you think of it now?

Becoming Part of Your Patriotic Show

My brother is old enough to be drafted.
At any given moment he could go.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to die fighting a nonexistent foe.

My brother is loved by many.
He has always been my idol.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to achieve the suicidal.

My brother has become a part of me.
To lose him, would shatter all I know.
My brother may be lost forever;
sent to become part of your patriotic show.

(Commas Removed!)

Perfectly rewritten well use of the critiques Touching topic, as if it were my own brother

Nice Job

Well done.
I'm doing a oice segment in my blog and I'm going to recite your poem FIRST It's like the writers alamanac on the classical music station here... So... I hope you like how I read it.

I like this

Also I have to make a few grammatical fixes.

My brother, [Don't need comma here] is old enough to be drafted.
...
My brother, [Don't need comma here]may be lost forever;
...

My brother, [Don't need comma here]is loved by many.
...
My brother, [Don't need comma here]may be lost forever;
...

My brother,[Don't need comma here] has become a part of me.
...
My brother,[Don't need comma here] may be lost forever;
...

That was basically it...
I mean when I reading I didn't pause where the commas went, because it wouldn't seem right with the flow. But I loved it otherwise. Hope you like the reading I post.

This poem is great Jester i love the ending so true so true. Great job anyway i agree though brother bit repeated try something different great job again.

emotional attachment here. I like it though it works. A few too many commas though... but other than that. Great work. Keep it up

I like the first version better. It is more repetitive, yes, but at least it's a purposeful repetition. it's not trying to be non-repetitive, which is what your second poem is doing, and not succeeding very well, in my opinion. Though perhaps I'm wrong?

What you need to make sure of is the rhythm. Some of the words are too long and cumbersome to make too much of an effect. For example, this:

My brother, may be lost forever;
sent to die fighting a nonexistent foe.

Try saying the last line -- it's a tongue twister, isn't it? And not in a good way. Poetry should flow as easily off the tongue as it does off the page, and vice versa. This is incredibly hard to do, but you can help it. Remember to read your poem out loud several times before you begin to edit it. How does it sound? Forced? Natural? Think of adjectives for it. Now ask yourself, how do you want it to sound?

This proofreading can help it become smoother in the editing process.

The other thing is commas. Frankly, you have too many commas and they're used incorrectly. Forget the grammar behind it -- commas are used to indicate a slight pause. While periods indicate a full stop, commas should indicate a slight breath in between words, much like a musician who plays a wind instrument would breathe in between notes. Read like this, your poems, both versions of them, become worthless. Read it carefully. Pay attention to where you breathe naturally. This is where your commas should be.

Hope this helps...

I don't really have anything constructive to say, the other comment-ers already covered any changes that needed to be made. I just wanted to say that I really, really like this. Especially the line "sent to die fighting a non-existent foe." So true...

The repetition in the first version got tedious, but you used the critiques very well and the revised poem showed alot of improvement. All you need to do now is omit the commas in the places Elizabeth pointed out.

Thanks for writing this.